tools to address paranoia

[HappyKJ]

My uBPD boyfriend makes a lot of statements indicative of paranoid thinking that fall into two main categories: 1) benign comments perceived as attacks; 2) threats to personal safety.

For the first category, he was once telling a true but outrageous-sounding story (about an alligator that ate a turkey, I think), and my mom said something like, "I can't believe it!" not in a literal way, but like, "Wow, that's amazing!" Because he already believes that she hates him, though, he perceived it as her saying she was a liar, and he wrote a long email to tell her so, which mostly just left her confused. Even without this lens, though, he often perceives benign comments coming from me as attacks on his character.

For the second category, he believes that multiple people are trying to kill him and won't let me tell anyone about my plans. He is also constantly worried that my parents will throw him out (we're currently all living together, adding to the difficulties), which I'm sure is triggered from very real abandonment issues in childhood as his mother abandoned him twice, forcing him to be homeless. He is constantly telling me to monitor my parents' tone, saying "we're in enemy territory," and expressing concern that food they give him is poisoned.

Now that I've read about invalidating, I realize that I have been invalidating. In my attempt to reassure him, telling him his fears were unfounded or he had nothing to worry about, I was invalidating him (and probably sounded a bit dismissive at times). Other times I simply go along with whatever he is saying or cave to what he wants me to do, which has led to resentment over time as well as me making decisions that are not in my (or his) best interest.

In reviewing the tools, I think the best tool would be to paraphrase what he is saying so he feels heard. How, then, do I move forward? Obviously I can't talk him out of his viewpoints, but they often result in actions that hurt both of us. For example, his deep distrust of doctors and authority in general prevents him from seeing a therapist (he believes that a therapist will lock him up or even have him killed). His constant talk of government depopulation plots (though they may be founded on truth) makes him more stressed, anxious, and prone to tirades. His distrust of people in general causes him to build barriers or engage in defense mechanisms that damage relationships or prevent healthy ones from forming.

What would be examples of "truth" statements for the above examples, and how can I deliver them without sounding condescending or making the problem worse?

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[once removed]

Other times I simply go along with whatever he is saying or cave to what he wants me to do, which has led to resentment over time as well as me making decisions that are not in my (or his) best interest.

you might think of this as "validating the invalid". in general, you dont want to fall into that trap.

the short answer is that there arent really tools to address paranoia, if by that you mean, assuage it, or fix it.

this is a part of him, and tools for coping are really the heart of the matter.

this is on a much smaller scale of course, but have you ever met some people that just love to complain? think of this as, kind of, a form of that. and then the question becomes how you deal with it.

sure...if you love him, you dont shut him down. you listen, within reason. let him talk, actively listen. paraphrase, ask questions.

it sounds though, at least a certain point, that you really arent comfortable with these conversations. thats key. it may be as simple as saying that, agreeing not to discuss certain things, like some families at thanksgiving avoid talking about politics. youll need to tread lightly if you choose that approach. it will not be as simple as coming out and saying youre uncomfortable with it...he will, like anyone would, experience that as rejection.

and if you see that discussing things just gets him further riled up, it may mean knowing when and how to disengage and exit the conversation artfully. i have a family member that is prone to talking my head off. saying too much or too little tends to just encourage them to talk more. sometimes i have to let them know i have to tend to something else, go to the bathroom, whatever. sometimes they dont even hear me and carry on, sometimes they get mad...anticipate this.

its a balance. in any or all of these approaches, personalize them in terms of what works uniquely between the two of you. it may take some trial and error.

[HappyKJ]

Thank you, Once Removed, I appreciate your input. Yes, I've found that changing the subject can work well when I see him getting amped up. Sometimes he even takes the cue himself that it's time to move on.