I realize my partner has BPD

[StormEye100]

I'm in a 3 year relationship with someone with BPD who is extremely intelligent but won't get therapy and is extremely risk averse to the point of being financially disadvantaged and not really being able to afford therapy. He's working side jobs to pay for a trip I really don't want to take and I think they're using it to distract me from not proposing and living together which is what I really want after 3 years. They're also verbally very mean to me. It eased up during the covid crisis because I work an essential job and could not be hyper focused on our relationship in order to survive. This week they started nitpicking me again and I'm tired.

 I don't want to just give up on this person if I can work on the relationship in a pointed way. I've decided though if by the end of the year things don't improve I'm moving on because it's not healthy for either one of us. It's hard to really get a sense of his emotions because he's always "joking" by insulting me or saying that his life is worthless. He uses dark humor to cope with life. His reactions to problems in our relationship are really creative and always seem to make the relationship last just a few months, but I'm starting to think this isn't sustainable and he has a psychological issue that's causing more problems than there needs to be. With him not wanting to go to therapy is staying in this relationship pointless because it will always be a roller-coaster?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

StormEye100, hi  I'm glad you're here. I think you'll get a lot out of this forum. I know how exhausting the nitpicking and rude comments are. 

With him not wanting to go to therapy is staying in this relationship pointless because it will always be a roller-coaster?

My H and I have been to marriage counseling, but he refuses individual therapy. I found validation and support, and I also learned how to respond better, and those things have helped our relationship enough that I enjoy it again. It'll always be a roller coaster, but I feel stronger now so I'm not shaken by some of it, I feel equipped to respond, and his behavior has improved. My H has BPD traits, or possibly a more mild version of BPD. Others here have had different outcomes and have decided it's too much. It will be up to you to decide what you need and what you want.

Bottom line: there is hope. It will really boil down to what you choose. And no matter what, you'll find support here.