Coronavirus and Family

[Sylfine]

Anyone else having issues with their pwBPD due to the virus?  I'm probably on the other end of the spectrum from most, but here's my situation.

My H and I seem to have some co-morbidities.  We also have a 2YO.  We have chosen to completely isolate ourselves.  Have not had physical contact with any other humans since March 13th.  We get everything delivered and disinfect before bringing inside (including food).  We do not get within 50 yards of anyone when we occasionally do something outside the boundaries of our property.  This is our choice to keep us and our loved ones safe (all our parents are above 65 and my Dad is super high risk).  My uBPD mother does NOT understand this.  She wants to see her grandchild which I understand but my responsibility is to make sure my family stays safe.  She's not being overt anymore since I shut that down (this was the breaking point for me when I discovered BPD), but now she's constantly trying to say how "safe" they're being (spoiler alert - it's not nearly what we've been doing).  She's trying to wear me down and convince me that they're being safe so she can see us.  It's hard to hold my ground.  I just want to give in to make it go away but I know that's the worst thing I can do. 

How do you all stay strong against your pwBPD especially when they know how to make you agree?  And thanks for letting me vent.  Sorry, I seem to be doing that a lot here

[pursuingJoy]

Sylfine, glad you're here and sharing what's going on.

Boundaries are worth revisiting, that's pretty normal. Doesn't mean you change it. In fact, sometimes revisiting your reasoning can make you feel more resolve about keeping it.

What are your reasons for keeping this boundary? Is her pressure enough reason to consider changing it?

This part of our boundaries article (under the tools tab) talks about independent vs interdependent values:
Independent core values 
It's important to not only identify core values, but to live them. Independent core values should guide important  decisions in our lives. Our values should be clearly reflected in the life choices we make.

Those who value their individuality take responsibility, are self-reliant and act with self-respect. Those who value truthfulness cannot bring themselves to tell a lie. Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others. Those who value goodness cannot bring themselves to do something they know is wrong. We express values in our relationships with other people when we are loyal, reliable, honest, generous, trusting, trustworthy; feel a sense of responsibility for family, friends, co-workers, our organization, community or country.

Inter-dependent values 
Being realistic about values is important. If we have an unusually large number of uncompromising independent values / core values, we may be too dogmatic to have a relationship with very many people. At the same time, if we have so few independent values, or such a weak commitment to them, we will then be "undefined" to ourselves and to others and the only values that matter are those of others. The latter is common in codependent or enmeshed relationships.

[Sylfine]

Thanks PJ    You are such a light for me on these boards and I thank you.

I'm still working on identifying my values and creating boundaries.  It's hard to know what your own values are when you've been enmeshed for so long.  Am I agreeing because it's right or because I'm being manipulated?  Am I disagreeing because it's wrong or because I don't want to agree just to be different?  Is doing what my mom wants my value (Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others) or am I only going along to get along and at what cost (my marriage; any idea of freedom I have - fwiw I'm on marriage 3 because of many reasons, my enmeshment being one of them)?  Can you value your immediate family and sacrifice for them without having extended family as your value and not sacrifice for them?  How much sacrifice is enough for anyone? 

On this particular topic, I know in my heart I'm doing what I believe is best for my family and family health and safety have to come first (H and child) before anyone or anything else. 

I'm not expecting answers to all these questions, but if anyone has any insights, similar stories/situations, this newbie would greatly appreciate it.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm glad you're here, Sylfine. I really admire the way you jump in to support others and let them know they're not alone.

I'm still working on identifying my values and creating boundaries.  It's hard to know what your own values are when you've been enmeshed for so long.  Am I agreeing because it's right or because I'm being manipulated?  Am I disagreeing because it's wrong or because I don't want to agree just to be different?  Is doing what my mom wants my value (Those who value family or friendship sacrifice their personal interests for the good of others) or am I only going along to get along and at what cost (my marriage; any idea of freedom I have - fwiw I'm on marriage 3 because of many reasons, my enmeshment being one of them)?  Can you value your immediate family and sacrifice for them without having extended family as your value and not sacrifice for them?  How much sacrifice is enough for anyone?  

You asked ALL of the million dollar questions.  

I'd get so lost in the wrong and right of it all, trying to balance ALL of the things. I started asking, "Do I like this?" If I liked it, I'd go for it. I practiced it with small decisions throughout the day. It felt selfish at first, but I knew that was only because of the way I'd been conditioned. I learned that I have a good heart, and pretty good intuition, and I could trust myself.

This way, if I made a concession for others, it was a choice, because I wanted to, not an obligation.

On this particular topic, I know in my heart I'm doing what I believe is best for my family and family health and safety have to come first (H and child) before anyone or anything else.  

I fully support your choice. Keep it up.  

[Sylfine]

I'd get so lost in the wrong and right of it all, trying to balance ALL of the things. I started asking, "Do I like this?" If I liked it, I'd go for it. I practiced it with small decisions throughout the day. It felt selfish at first, but I knew that was only because of the way I'd been conditioned. I learned that I have a good heart, and pretty good intuition, and I could trust myself.

This way, if I made a concession for others, it was a choice, because I wanted to, not an obligation.

THANK YOU!  This is a great way of tackling the issue.  I'm going to put this on my inspiration board

[zachira]

The pandemic has forced me to pospone wrapping up going no contact with my sister with NPD and brother wth BPD. We own properties together, have my mom's estate to settle which my brother who is the executor refuses to do; it is just a nightmare. There are many things I can't get done while I am stuck staying home and not traveling. My sister and brother are just getting meaner and meaner as I try to have as little contact with them as possible. I have a new phone number which I will not give to them. In the meantime, my sister has apparently persuaded the HOA of the cottage we own together, to let her make all the decisions for the property. I just can't win when I am being gasligted and my siblings are determined to trample on my rights and dignity in any way they can. I get up every day just trying to be the best person I can, and am doing what I can in the present moment to speed up going NC permanently with my siblings. I know I only have today right now, and I am far from alone on PSI as there are so many members here who wish all the trauma of dealing with disordered family members could be in the past. I realize I need to go NC with nearly all the extended family when I can as most of them enable my siblings.

[Sylfine]

I get up every day just trying to be the best person I can, and am doing what I can in the present moment to speed up going NC permanently with my siblings. I know I only have today right now, and I am far from alone on PSI as there are so many members here who wish all the trauma of dealing with disordered family members could be in the past. I realize I need to go NC with nearly all the extended family when I can as most of them enable my siblings.

This right here!  Relatively speaking, my mother is easy to deal with.  I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  Big hugs!