I put phone down on uBPD M. Now what?

[chayka]

Hi guys,

It's good to be here!

I just had a short conversation with my mum which ended with me putting the phone down.

This has only happened a few times before, and the last time was years ago.

Tonight, I just couldn't stand her controlling, insulting, disrespectful bs anymore.

Now I don't know what to do next!

She lives alone, is in her 80s and is only in contact with a few other people by phone. She's vulnerable and I worry about her. I know putting the phone down will have triggered her abandonment fears.

Tomorrow I have an important funeral (a close friend) and I'm wondering if I will be able to get much sleep tonight because of worrying about the consequences of dropping the phone call to my mum.

Any advice or sympathy welcome!

I live in the UK, so I'm going to bed quite soon. It may be a while before I can comment on here. On the other hand, you might see me at 4am needing to talk some more!

Much love to you all 
Chayka

[Turkish]

Chayka,

What transpired that you felt the need to be safe and put the phone down?

[pursuingJoy]

Chayka, in addition to what transpired, I'd love to know if you're worried about anything specific? You said your mom is vulnerable and it may trigger her abandonment fears. How has this played out in the past?

I hope you got some sleep last night, and that the funeral goes as well as possible today.

pj

[chayka]

Thanks, Turkish and Pj.

The funeral went really well this morning and I did get some sleep last night.

My mum texted to say that she had hardly any sleep because of my "snub" yesterday.

I'm planning to speak to her again this evening and see if we can work something out. This thought does not fill me with joy but I feel it has to be done.

I don't have much time right now but will try to answer your questions either tonight or tomorrow.

I really appreciate your support.

[chayka]

Here's what happened on the phone yesterday. There were two things my mum said that caused problems, but I'll just describe the second (and worst) one.

She started by picking up on the fact that I'd mentioned our robot vacuum cleaner. First she said, "Well, I hope you've been keeping up with the dusting and there isn't dust everywhere like there was in your other place!" This with a sneer in her voice, followed by a derisive laugh.

Okay. This would already be inappropriate in a normal situation when the daughter she’s addressing is in her 50s. However, you also need to know that I've had a chronic illness for most of my adult life that severely limits how much I'm able to do.

The time and place she was talking about was many years ago. I'd had a very bad relapse that year, had lost a great deal of mobility and wasn't able to do much at all. She still refers to my room there with disgust, talking about how "filthy" it was when she and my dad came to help me move out. At the time, I'd already told my parents and friends that I'd not been able to clean it and had asked for their help in advance.They agreed, but my mum has never let me forget it.

She has a way of interpreting the past that shows me in the ugliest possible light by distorting or suppressing facts.

Anyway, back to the phone call of yesterday evening. I said something like, “I’m doing as much dusting as I can, but I can’t manage as much as I’d like to.” (I know. JADE. My mistake.) She replied, “Dusting’s nothing! I’m 83 and I can do it!”

Thankfully, my health has improved again in recent years and I’ve regained the ability to do some things. Sadly, though, I’m still very limited. Doing all the dusting is beyond me, as are many other things, and that’s a fact that grieves me deeply. Usually we have cleaners to help us, but since the beginning of the pandemic we’ve been unable to do that, so my husband and I just get by as best we can.

Than she started telling me, “You just have to take a cloth and wipe along the shelves with it…” What? So I said, “Mum, you don’t have to explain it to me! The problem I have is that I’m not well enough to do all the dusting!”

She replied, “You don’t even know how to dust!” (Reality check: I did all my own cleaning before the big relapses I had in my mid to late twenties. These days, I do whatever cleaning I can. So yes, I do know how to dust. I'm not a small child.)

This is the point where I lost it and hung up. I felt angry, hurt and humiliated. I was tired and all of this stuff was coming out of nowhere (though none of it is new to me – she’s said it all before). I felt as if things had slipped to a point where I couldn’t pedal back and be patient. So instead of swearing and hanging up, I hung up and swore afterwards! It seemed the better option of the two.

Thanks to everyone who has read this for walking alongside me. It makes it all less painful knowing that you’re there.

Chayka

[pursuingJoy]

Chayka, I would have felt angry, hurt and humiliated too. I've been derided for things like that and there just isn't a good reason to do so, ever.

If you could hit the rewind button, what would you say/do differently next time, and at what point? Does it make you nervous to think about a different response?

[chayka]

Thank you, Pj.

I've been thinking a lot about what I could have done instead. Looking back to previous times when something like this has happened and things have gone better, I generally refuse to rise to the bait. I either don't respond at all, say something neutral or change the subject.

Sometimes I feel quite calm and don't take it to heart, other times I'm seething with anger but succeed in keeping a lid on it while I do some mindful breathing and simmer down.

On this occasion I was hot, tired and had my friend's funeral coming up the next day. Also her comment came right out of the blue and took me by surprise. I never really relax when I'm on the phone to my mum because I know it's not safe, but still this caught me off balance.

I guess I might just have to accept that I'm human ! 

To answer your previous question, I was worried that my mum might attempt suicide or go into a complete emotional meltdown and end up in hospital. She has never attempted suicide, but often talks about it. And having seen some of the emotional states she's been in when triggered, it's conceivable that a rejection from me could push her over the edge into a breakdown.

Both of these seemed unlikely, but possible, especially as she has been struggling a great deal with her emotions during the pandemic, and has sadly become more isolated than before.

As it happened, she had a really bad night but managed to get it together by the next morning. We spoke on the phone in the evening and kind of patched things up. I explained why I put the phone down, she did some gaslighting but was nicer to me than usual. (Yes, I know it won't last.)

I'd like to avoid hanging up on her again if I can, because I don't want to put her through unnecessary suffering; but I also need to accept that I can't come up with an ideal response every single time. Her behaviour can be so appalling, I think even the most saintly person would freak out occasionally!

Thanks for helping me through this. It has been really productive setting it all out so that I can see the situation more clearly. 

Any further comments or questions would be very welcome.

Chayka

[zachira]

My mother with BPD who was similar to yours in some ways died last summer. I found it worked best to let her contact me, let her do all the talking, and not tell her anything about my life. In my experience, trying to have a dialog with a person with BPD, is a complete waste of time, and they only know how to talk about themselves, and anything you say about yourself especially if you are their chlild, is threatening because you are suggesting that you are abandoning them by being an independent person from them.

[Methuen]

Hi Chayka,

Could it be that your mom knows exactly which buttons to push to get an emotional response from you...?  eg “dusting”

Why do you think your mother does this?

Mine did this too.  Like a fish, I used to always take the bait.  The trick for me was to understand the game, and stop taking the bait. 

Realize that you are a rational thinker.  BPD’s act on their emotions only (whch are diven by their BPD), so using rational thinking and JADEing is very invaliding to them.  You will lose every time to their meanness if you fall into the JADE trap.  It sounds a wee bit that your illness and all its effects have got you in a defensive position to your mother’s “barbs” ( eg dusting), and her comments are “biting” and hurting.  Is that about right? 

Since she’s never going to change,  what can you change about how you respond to her?

[Sylfine]

My mother with BPD who was similar to yours in some ways died last summer. I found it worked best to let her contact me, let her do all the talking, and not tell her anything about my life. In my experience, trying to have a dialog with a person with BPD, is a complete waste of time, and they only know how to talk about themselves, and anything you say about yourself especially if you are their chlild, is threatening because you are suggesting that you are abandoning them by being an independent person from them.

I'm going to second this statement.  This tactic works best with my uBPD mother as well.  Deep breaths hun.   

[chayka]

Thanks, guys. As said in my comment above, I don't usually take the bait these days, but lately it's been more difficult.

Thinking more carefully about it, it seems to me that a big factor in this is that my mum has become more vulnerable in the last couple of years. She's had an operation, lost some of her independence and has been very distressed at times, especially during the pandemic, which has made her even more isolated than before.

As a result, I've got partially sucked back in, and I need to regain some healthy emotional distance.

Why do you think your mother does this?

That's something I've been reflecting on. There may be various reasons for it, but the main one is probably quite simple. I think putting me and others down and treating us with contempt gives her a feeling of power and superiority, which counteracts her underlying perception of herself as powerless and inferior.

Severe chronic illness can be infantilising, so my health problems are a convenient way for her to try to reestablish the old parent-child relationship and abuse it (just as she always did when I was actually a child).

Of course, she can't afford to let herself be fully aware that she's doing this, because it's clearly dreadful behaviour. Any time she starts to see how badly she has behaved she will find a way of disowning it by projecting it onto someone else or completely forgetting that it happened.

What I think I need to do is to go through some of the basics of acknowledging, understanding and dealing with BPD behaviour, get some distance and put the boundaries back in place. If on any level I expect her to behave like a mum, or even like an ordinary, healthy human being, I can only get hurt.

Thanks again to everyone for your help with this! 

Chayka

[pursuingJoy]

Thinking more carefully about it, it seems to me that a big factor in this is that my mum has become more vulnerable in the last couple of years. She's had an operation, lost some of her independence and has been very distressed at times, especially during the pandemic, which has made her even more isolated than before.

As a result, I've got partially sucked back in, and I need to regain some healthy emotional distance.

So much wisdom in your post! I think you've got a great handle on this.

Most of us haven't dealt with aging parents before, and it can be more complicated with BPD. This is a great place to get some practical feedback on how to set boundaries with a BPD parent. Methuen, Kwamina, Turkish, Notwendy, Telhill, GaGrl and others have great stories to learn from. Check out their posts, and make sure to share some of your wisdom with others! It's needed! 

[chayka]

Thanks so much, Pj! That's very affirming. 

[Methuen]

Thinking more carefully about it, it seems to me that a big factor in this is that my mum has become more vulnerable in the last couple of years. She's had an operation, lost some of her independence and has been very distressed at times, especially during the pandemic, which has made her even more isolated than before.

. What a thoughtful reply this is.  Your circumstance sounds vey much like mine with bpd mom.  In my case, mom has had 4 surgeries, is 84, physically frail, Cognitively declining (undiagnosed-my opinion), quite demanding of me (only cild living in same town), and refusing to go onto a waitlist for assisted living (which she qualifies for).   She has definitely worsened with age, so I feel your frustration and where you are coming from.

You are right that boundaries are key.  So is taking care of yourself