Hi McCone!
I'm familiar with this dynamic on a few fronts.
I have become the new 'Mother'.
First, does your SO recognize the damage done by her mother? Has she processed and grieved it? Can she recognize her wounds and name them? If she's not there yet, she will be soon.
The wounds we experience from parents can heal but we're usually left with sensitivities and scars. The trick is recognizing them, respecting them, and learning to talk about them.
Ideas on how to proceed? I do not want to play the Mother part. It's not my part to play but how do I get into the play that has my part to play?
I know you don't want to play that role, and you don't have to internalize it. What you can't change is that your wife sees you that way.
I've been cast into mother role by my H, who was raised by a BPD mom. He sees me as an extension of her. When I get sad and share hurts, or get frustrated with him, even in the most healthy ways, he hears punitive, scolding mom. At first this creeped me out. I did not want be cast in that role.
I worked hard to simply accept the reality. It is how he views his world and I cannot change that. It allowed me to take things less personally, not react, and live out a truer form of me, regardless of how I was being cast. I can thoughtfully share hurts and at the same time, internally reject the role of punitive mother. My responsibility is to communicate with emotional maturity, and that's where I spend my energy.
On the flip side, I was raised by an NPD dad. I never consciously or verbally compare H to my dad, but at times when I get emotional, H gets defensive and points to my past as the wrongdoer. He says he doesn't want to be accused of wrongs he didn't commit. (Not sharing to say that's what you're doing, I want to share what I do that helps.) I say, "I am aware that I'm sensitive to being mocked or belittled. When you laughed at me for making the mistake, I felt small. I know you didn't intend to make me feel that way." I own my sensitivities, regardless of their source, and I let him know that I recognize he's a good person, because that's a trigger for him.
This may not apply to your situation, but because I've spent a good deal of time in therapy for my parent wounds, I don't apologize for my scars any more. I explain them, I take ownership, and I ask my loving husband to treat them with care.
Can you try something like, "Wow - I can imagine how upsetting it is that you think I'm trying to do these things. I know I would be super upset at that. I will try to pay attention to my behavior more carefully to make sure I am not doing that as it is certainly not my intention."
That way, her feelings are acknowledged and you're not admitting to doing anything you haven't done.
I'm a second vote for this!
