Blindsided by BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all. First post here and I'm feeling my way through life after having a marriage of 23 years come unraveled dramatically. It's been a relationship filled with many ups and downs, and I'm virtually certain my soon-to-be ex wife has BPD. She is very high functioning; in fact she is a mental healthcare professional herself, though she primarily works with people with developmental disabilities. As such I think she has been able to largely mask this for many years, and of course, "love is blind", and thus was I.

I've read Walking on Eggshells and a host of articles on BPD, and I'm currently reading Splitting to learn how to deal with the actual divorce. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, learn how to deal with her, including co-parenting our two teenage daughters, one of whom may also be BPD, and I'm in the process of healing from the incredibly painful emotional toll that has recently been exacted by her behavior (which finally shocked me into the realization of what/who I was dealing with). I'm finally able to start letting go of the personal hurt that comes from both the realization of all of this, as well as the behavior that has come my way. But of course it's difficult. The main thing I'm trying to figure out is how to interact with her, set limits, try to get her to realize I'm not attacking her when I bring up what I see, and hopefully get her to acknowledge her "stuff", mostly to ensure she gets good treatment and not the superficial BS she has always sought, focusing on the co-morbid depression and anxiety.

I'm glad to have found this place (but wish I didn't have to).

[Crispy Waffle]

Hi all. First post here and I'm feeling my way through life after having a marriage of 23 years come unraveled dramatically. It's been a relationship filled with many ups and downs, and I'm virtually certain my soon-to-be ex wife has BPD. She is very high functioning; in fact she is a mental healthcare professional herself, though she primarily works with people with developmental disabilities. As such I think she has been able to largely mask this for many years, and of course, "love is blind", and thus was I.

I've read Walking on Eggshells and a host of articles on BPD, and I'm currently reading Splitting to learn how to deal with the actual divorce. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, learn how to deal with her, including co-parenting our two teenage daughters, one of whom may also be BPD, and I'm in the process of healing from the incredibly painful emotional toll that has recently been exacted by her behavior (which finally shocked me into the realization of what/who I was dealing with). I'm finally able to start letting go of the personal hurt that comes from both the realization of all of this, as well as the behavior that has come my way. But of course it's difficult. The main thing I'm trying to figure out is how to interact with her, set limits, try to get her to realize I'm not attacking her when I bring up what I see, and hopefully get her to acknowledge her "stuff", mostly to ensure she gets good treatment and not the superficial BS she has always sought, focusing on the co-morbid depression and anxiety.

I'm glad to have found this place (but wish I didn't have to).

[worriedStepmom]

Hi CrispyWaffle, and welcome!  I love your username.

You've found the right place - there's a lot of support here.

Where are you in the divorce process right now?  Are you still living together? Do you have a custody agreement ironed out for your girls?

There aren't magic words or actions to get your STBX to acknowledge her "stuff" or get appropriate treatment.  It's very likely she'll never be willing to go there - it is WAY too painful to confront one's own failings and how they've harmed those we love.  Part of this healing process for you is going to be radical acceptance, and learning to deal with her where she is, not where you want her to be.  My H and I spent 8 years trying to help his ex understand how harmful her behaviors were and/or trying to appease her.  Two years ago we stopped trying to change her and switched our focus to shielding SD(now13) and ourselves from the crazy.  Life is a LOT less drama-filled now!   

[MeandThee29]

There aren't magic words or actions to get your STBX to acknowledge her "stuff" or get appropriate treatment.  It's very likely she'll never be willing to go there - it is WAY too painful to confront one's own failings and how they've harmed those we love.  Part of this healing process for you is going to be radical acceptance, and learning to deal with her where she is, not where you want her to be. 

Also a good manta for the divorce process. They may throw everything at you, but all you have to deal with is in front of you. Don't overthink it. Take it step-by-step. I had a lawyer with a specialty in high conflict divorce. I'd meet with him at his office or via a phone call, we'd plan our approach, and he'd tell me to let it go. If they threw something else at us, we'd figure something out. If they accepted it, good for us. Nothing phased him, but there were still some things that he said were over-the-top unusual when it was all over. He said that if he ever wrote a book, my case would get a whole chapter, but he'd rather play golf in retirement (LOL).

[Baglady]

Hi CrispyWaffle 

Welcome - just wanted to let you know that unfortunately, you aren't alone.  I experienced a very similar blindsiding with regard to my exBPDh (my 21 year marriage imploded in a matter of weeks due to his mental breakdown/raging/intense hatred of me/blaming etc. out of seemingly no-where).  I didn't know what hit me and felt like I had been run over by a Mack truck.  I'm two and a half years out and feeling much stronger but this has been the most soul-crushing and emotionally painful event in my life hands down.  My teen son and many priceless friends have kept me going.  Most people have NO clue what we are going though - it's so bizarrely fantastical.  Many times I kept hoping that I would wake up from the nightmare that my marriage turned into seemingly overnight (although the signs were there all along in rueful hindsight  )

Take good care of yourself    - this is an exhausting road.  This site was invaluable to me as was a good therapist.  Keep reaching out - we uniquely understand and can relate to your situation.

Warmly,
B 

[Crispy Waffle]

Thank you all for the welcome and for sharing your thoughts.

worriedStepmom, your message was especially valuable to hear. "...the most soul-crushing and emotionally painful event in my life hands down." That so completely encapsulates what I'm experiencing currently. It is especially raw when my uBPDstbx describes herself as an empath, and nearly breaks her arm patting herself on the back for being so empathic. What she is, is codependent and enmeshed (especially with our older daughter). There is zero empathy when she is at the center of the distress of another.

I keep bouncing back and forth between anger, sadness, and radical acceptance. Just when I get unstuck, I find myself stuck again. I had a bit of an epiphany this morning regarding this. I get triggered when I have to deal with her, especially when she says or does something that reminds me of how she has been able to discard me and our marriage and move on. I'm grieving and she's constantly reminding me of how she has devalued me and our marriage. I know it is the disorder and her maladaptive coping mechanisms, but it is impossible not to take it personally. And the inner conflict of still loving the woman while also finding her literally repulsive (due to her behavior) It is such a mind*%k! I hate that I feel hate for her.

If we didn't have kids I could just walk away and not have to constantly be reminded of all this. But I have to coparent for at least the next 5 years (when our younger daughter graduates HS). And of course even then we will still be bound by our two kids. I can only hope that she sees the light, but I'm going to accept the fact that she likely will not. I'm so ready to get on with my life, and have been working on my own issues (with considerable success), only to have to constantly get pulled back into the BPD quagmire.

Thanks again for the welcome, words of support, and for sharing your stories and perspective.

As for the name, I kind of borrowed it from a song by Adrian Belew.
"Like a breakfast at the egg house waffle on the griddle, I'm burnt around the edges but tender in the middle."

I've always felt it was a good representation of me. Now I feel like that more than ever, and I need to figure out how to get to that tender middle. It's in there somewhere.

[AnuDay]

You're not alone.  Take it one day at a time.  Trust us...it gets easier.  The quicker you learn to detach emotionally, the faster your repair course will be. 

[Goosey]

Detaching is hard no doubt.
  It does get easier everyday. N/c helps. I find the urge to break that easier everyday.
  But I’ll be honest. She has made that possible by moving on with another. She is busy.
  In hindsight the last three years are embarrassing. I can’t believe I allowed myself and our daughter to be subjected to such outrageous crap. Letting go is hard. I realize I may have to face her in court or whatever one day but she has no power over me anymore.Her Lies are so thick it’s comical in retrospect.
  Today I actually can’t wait till divorce is done. Some days I cry about the whole mess but more and more “it is what it is” rules my thoughts.
  It does get easier. Hang in there.

 

[Crispy Waffle]

Goosey, maybe I am crazy, because if I didn't know better I would swear that I wrote several of your posts!

It really seems like we are both at the same point along this path, with similar histories, and similar trajectories. I'm starting to feel empowered, letting go of the guilt of "how could I have let this happen" and similar thoughts. As you note, some days I get emotional, but by and large I'm very at peace with the decision to let go, get the divorce out of the way, and rebuild from the ashes. Some days are good, some are bad. Every now and then I find myself with very dark thoughts and have to consciously turn away from that and get myself back on the path.

The hard part is when the craziness reinserts itself into my life and knocks me off balance, pushing me off the path I have charted to recovering from this. But I sent her an email covering a bunch of stuff, setting some hard boundaries, and telling her I am taking back control over my life.

We will all get through this, with mutual support. That's the value of this community. Peace and strength to you.

[livednlearned]

The main thing I'm trying to figure out is how to interact with her, set limits

That can be a pretty brutal transition for many of us. Boundaries sure seem to piss pwBPD off. What kind of limits are you setting and how has it been setting them?

try to get her to realize I'm not attacking her when I bring up what I see, and hopefully get her to acknowledge her "stuff"

I'm going to guess that feels good but probably doesn't unlock a ton of self-awareness on her part 

What are some of the behaviors of your daughter that concern you?

[Crispy Waffle]

That can be a pretty brutal transition for many of us. Boundaries sure seem to piss pwBPD off. What kind of limits are you setting and how has it been setting them?

I'm going to guess that feels good but probably doesn't unlock a ton of self-awareness on her part  

What are some of the behaviors of your daughter that concern you?

lnl, I've been setting various limits; some more effective than others. She knows my triggers and likes to push my buttons. She has been very manipulative about money for our entire marriage. She has considerably more assets than I from her family, but she doesn't manage them well. I've invested more for retirement and for our kids education. I told her I wasn't sharing the 529; she consulted with a lawyer but the courts aren't consistent on how they handle that. I told her she was welcome to spend money on her lawyer getting a judge to issue a ruling. She seems to have dropped it for now.

She is horrible about boundary violations, including entering the house and taking shared items that are still here. She is now forbidden to enter the house, even with the kids present if I am not here. I've told her the discretionary spending that she uses to curry favor with the kids is on her; I'm not agreeing to more spending.

Most significantly I've told her "no" on several things related to the kids. No, she may not have her new boyfriend around my girls. Period. Long story behind that, but I called her out hard over all of that mess and said I would not compromise on that issue. I also pushed back on her desire for me to tell her when the kids said something about her so she could address it with them. Nope. I wasn't comfortable and my therapist agreed; it gives them no safe space to confide in either one of us about the other parent.

After she started playing the greed game, I told her she needed to provide a full inventory of marital assets she took from the house when she moved out. She left a bunch of antiques from her parents and wants a bunch of stuff now. She gains no access to any marital assets until she provides a list of all items she took, along with values on items in need of appraisal. I was going to let a lot of that slide, but once she started getting greedy, I decided I'd give her a taste of reality and no longer be the compliant spouse to avoid conflict. She's going to have to work for it.

A blow-up last night will result in some new rules about communicating events that effect the other parent. I'm tired of her games and efforts to trigger and manipulate me. I'm not sure about how to enforce that however. I need to give it some thought.

I need to keep developing a parenting plan to cover all the bases.

As for my older daughter; my wife has always been very enmeshed with her. She sees her through her own eyes and has relived her own trauma as a result. And sadly she has contributed to some of D18's issues via that projection and enmeshment. Suicide attempt, cutting/self harm, promiscuous sex, major non-conformity and identity issues (changed her name unofficially, piercings, tattoos, etc), boundary violations, lying, rage, defiance. Fortunately she has gotten really good therapy for several years (it better be; it's cost me a ton out of pocket). She has come a long way and has a lot of insight. Her therapist is also aware of my thoughts on mom's undiagnosed BPD and wasn't surprised. It's all disheartening, but all I can do is support her and encourage her to keep working hard on herself. I think getting away at the end of this month for school will be good for her. I think she is eager to get away from some of the nonsense.

When I told her I was concerned that her going away to school might trigger her mom and spiral her downward, her response was "oh well". I can't help but think she kind of wants her mother to slip further to hopefully realize she needs to fix herself. But will she?

[david]

My ex ran away back in 2007. She took both of our boys (7 and 5 at the time). I went to a friends a week later and came home around 2 am. Ex took most of the things in the house. She took all the door locks too so I went to my brothers that night. I returned two days later and the house had new locks. We were going to court so I waited until then. The court gave me the house since ex left. That is considered abandonment in legal terms. Ex wanted me removed but that didn't go her way. The next day she showed up with the poliuce, She convinced them I had to vacate the property. I literally called my attorney in the driveway and gave the phone to the police. Ex said she misunderstood what the judge said.
A few weeks later I recieved a letter from our homeowners insurance. I had to read it three times because I couldn't believe what it said. Apparently ex filed a claim and said I emptied the house and made it look like she did it. The letter said, since both our names were on the insurance, that you can't rob yourself and then make a claim. It took three times before it sank into my head and then I laughed so hard my sides hurt.
We finally divorced in 2012. She filed in 2007 but kept stalling things in court ? I will never understand that. During equitable distribution she claimed we had 1.2 million in assets that I took from the house. Fortunately, when I got access to the house in 2007 I found a disposable camera. I had the photos developed and one was a uhaul truck in our driveway. I went to uhaul , told the guy we lost the reciept, and needed oit for our taxes. He gave me a copy. Ex also rented a stotage unit for all the things.
We were still friends on facebook in 2007 and she started posting pictures of her new apartment. Every photo had things from our house. I printed them all out. Her petition for equitable distribution listed things she claimed I had taken back in 2007. It was four pages long and in her handwriting. The photos showed, if I recall correctly, about 70 % of the stuff on her list. I actually wrote the reply to her petition. I agreed with her 1.2 million evaluation and said she could keep it all and just give me my half in cash. It honestly was worth no more then $25,000. My lawyer liked it so much we went with that. We had sold the house and had the money in an escrow account. Because of the photos and exs paper trail, her attorney wanted nothing to do with going in front of a judge. She took ex out of the conference room. When they came back we settled for what I actually wanted. Her attorney did not want to get in front of a judge.
Dragging things took a toll on me emotionally. However, once I got past that (2010) things started getting better. Ex no longer triggered me and I could think clearer. I got very good at anticipating things she would do. She only has a few tricks up her sleeve and once I realized thatshe couldn't do anything to get me. I rarely communicate with her. Its been months. Our youngest is 17 so I don't have much longer to go.
I have stepsons. They are her kids from her first marriage. They have no contact or very limited contact with their mom. One moved out of state and I talk to him and his wife on a regular basis. Another lives nearby. I see him about once a week. His mom last saw him Christmas. He had a Christmas party for everyone but his mom. He had a second dinner for just his mom. I don't what happened but I don't think she will be over for this Christmas.