Do your friends understand what you're going through?

[Nala2020]

When you try to explain what happened in your breakup and what you're emotionally dealing with to your friends, do they even get it if they don't know anything about BPD?  Even when I try to explain to them about BPD, they don't listen and just don't provide helpful support.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Yeah, one of my friends would always blame me whenever I'd bring up how I was mistreated by her. No one really understood except maybe my mom and dad, since they lived with her. But the truth is no one really understands except people who have been through it and researched on it, it's a mind boggling and complicated illness, and hard for people to understand. Best support you can get is probably here or through a counselor.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Nala, No, friends generally don't get it, because BPD is so far out of the realm of what they have experienced in their own relationships.  It's OK; BPD is under the radar for most people, which is why this site is so valuable.  We get it!  BuildingFromScratch put it well:

no one really understands except people who have been through it . . .  it's a mind boggling and complicated illness, and hard for people to understand. Best support you can get is probably here or through a counselor.

Going through the BPD wringer, however, leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

LuckyJim

[Nala2020]

Best support you can get is probably here or through a counselor.

That's what I have found so far.  When I bring this up to my friends or mention BPD, they just think I'm trying to blame her or make myself feel better (which I suppose I am to some degree - but I'm really just trying to understand).  My friends keep saying things like, "my ex needs to take responsibility for her actions and get help."  When I try to explain to them that she doesn't even necessarily know she has a problem or doesn't perceive reality the same way that we do, they don't believe me; they think those are just excuses.  I know I'm being a little obsessive about this right now.  I'm replaying everything over again in my head to see the patterns and what could have been different.

It doesn't help that we were close friends for 8 years first and share lots of friends, so now even if I don't want to, I'm hearing about her and her new person that she moved on with in just 2 weeks and how very much in love she is with this person.

I just feel lost.  I am trying to use this forum to help and I do have a counselor as well.  But it's hard when your friends think you're the one who is "crazy" for reading up and learning about BPD.  They also say things like, "you can't help your ex, only she can, just move on."  But that's not the real reason I'm learning about BPD; it's to help understand what happened, and I'm finding it hard to just move on.

[BuildingFromScratch]

A lot of times friends will say "Just move on" because they are tired of hearing about it/dealing with it. Or they say it because they want you not to suffer and won't you to move on. I find the former is more common than the latter.

Truth though is, these relationships are hard to move on from and hard to unwind. Seek sources of support that are actually good for you. Your friends might not be the greatest source of support in this time.

[Nala2020]

Truth though is, these relationships are hard to move on from and hard to unwind. Seek sources of support that are actually good for you. Your friends might not be the greatest source of support in this time.

I think you're right.  I will continue to try to use this forum and my counselor to process.  In other break ups, I have been able just to move on, so to speak.  They never felt like this.  It's a new feeling for me, and I find the need to process it, even if I am bordering on obsessing about it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Nala,

I agree w/BuildingFrom:

these relationships are hard to move on from and hard to unwind.

They are, because BPD is an incredibly complex disorder which doesn't lend itself to normal analysis and rational explanations.

For this reason, Nala, I doubt you will ever fully understand what happened.  At a certain point, I determined that I would never "get to the bottom" of BPD and accepted that BPD had proved too much for me.  Maybe you can come to a similar type of acceptance?

In order to counteract "feeling lost," I suggest you get back to being who you are at your core.   Strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Put yourself first for a change.  Acknowledge your feelings.  Accept your limitations.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Nala2020]

Maybe you can come to a similar type of acceptance?

In order to counteract "feeling lost," I suggest you get back to being who you are at your core.   Strive for authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Put yourself first for a change.  Acknowledge your feelings.  Accept your limitations.  You get the idea!

Thank you, LuckyJim.

I think I can get to the same type of acceptance.  I'm not quite there, but I think I'm getting there.  It's been less than a week since I found out about the new relationship she is in.  I'm actually much more upset about the new relationship than I was about the break up because she had broken up with me so many times, I just thought it was like the other times.  Plus, I thought I'd have time to think about what I wanted to say to her and have a serious conversation before she moved on.  I never imagined she would actually move on so quickly when we were still trying to work things out.  I also can't believe she had someone pursuing her when that person absolutely knew she had a SO at the time (so not sure what's going on with this other person).

I think your advice is good regarding getting back to myself.  I'm sure I lost some of that along the way.  The reason I didn't allow her to move in when she demanded was that I was afraid I would lose more of myself, and I didn't want to live like that.  I have a job that I love, and I knew I couldn't have that kind of distraction around me all the time.  I couldn't risk it impacting my career.  I felt like my emotional needs were always second to hers.  At first, I thought I was just being too sensitive or sometimes I felt like maybe I deserved it because I had done actually something wrong, but there were definitely times when I knew that if she really loved me she should have been more concerned about my well being.  When she was mad at me (or I suppose had split me to black), she had no care or concern for my well being or safety in any way, and that was scary and really sad for me.  Is that normal too?  Are people with BPD able to provide anything that their SO needs emotionally on a regular basis (and I don't think I'm overly needy emotionally in general - just from time to time I want someone to care that I'm doing okay)?

[JNChell]

It’s taken some time, but my best friend of over thirty years is starting to get it. I’ve had to realize that I can’t push it on people. He doesn’t understand personality disorders, but he understands and believes what I tell him. We can’t push this stuff on other people.

I have another friend that is currently going through a divorce with a high conflict spouse. From what he’s told me, she’s high on the spectrum for narcissism. I understand him and we can have fruitful conversations. He’s been doing the research.

As a whole, yes, the people that I trust understand my deal. That also includes this community. The face to face support has been the most important for me personally. We can be watching a movie and break into meaningful conversation.

It’s a hard subject to get across to our loved ones. I don’t know how to do that. I guess that I was lucky in being able to do so. Do you have one person that would sit with you and listen? Someone that you know will understand?

[Lucky Jim]

I felt like my emotional needs were always second to hers.

Hey Nala, Right, your needs were second to hers, which is why I suggested putting your needs first for a change.  No, you couldn't risk the r/s impacting your career, which to me shows good boundaries on your part.  No r/s should carry that risk, in my view, which makes it a big red flag  .

Don't be so sure her new r/s is so great.  She still has BPD and will bring all of the same behaviors into her new r/s.  Don't worry about missing that serious conversation, as I doubt it would have made much of a difference.  Closure is rare in a BPD r/s.

The best plan for you, in my view, is to move on.  It's hard, but leads to greater happiness.

LJ

[zachira]

It really hurts and can be frustrating when your friends don't understand what you are talking about when you describe your relationship with a partner with BPD. In my experience with several disordered family members, some of whom would most likely meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis, the disordered family member is at their worst when with their immediate family and partner, and often times on their best behavior when with friends and others. Did your friends have a very different experience of your ex than you did, and did they ever really witness some of your ex's worst behaviors?

[JNChell]

z, you raise a very good point. Reflecting and seeing things through a different scope. It’s really something how perspectives can begin to become more clear after the exit.