Just about to an emotional dead end in this marriage...

[HeRow56]

Hi, new here. I usually handle things on my own, and I'm pretty good at taking care of myself. But I'm starting to realize that I'm reaching a point where I'm just about to a dead end emotionally in dealing with my borderline wife. It's been a very lonely battle or lonely situation for very long time. I literally have no one in my life that understands my situation, I mean MY situation as the spouse of someone with a serious personality disorder. I have limited access to mental health help for myself, and my church leaders don't really understand what I'm going through.

I'm learning more about myself right now, how about my nature as an INFP. I'm high in trait agreeableness, so I'm a very caring person by nature, highly sensitive to other people's feelings. However, in this marriage, I am definitely not with someone who is sensitive to my feelings. I'm so bone tired of her thinking that I am her enemy, I'm so bone tired of getting into pointless arguments about the slightest things. I'm so tired of trying to convince her that I'm not her enemy, even though we've been together for 15 years.

To give one example from my daily life, in a minor effort to organize some of the chaos in the piles that she had made on our bed, I tossed one of the gloves into the cedar chest. I did this almost absent-mindedly, just trying to do some small act of organization while we were talking about something else. This was met by accusations that I was trying to be controlling about her gloves and that I was trying to steal from her. I spent most of my 15 minute break that I had from my dead end job trying to defend my honor, and in this pointless argument about a tossed glove.

I've lost almost everything of value in this move back to Utah. And now it's just me and her in this little apartment, trying to get through the pandemic, and I can feel my own mental health struggling.

At any rate, I'm trying to reach out to other people in a similar situation. Can anyone here relate?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

Of course, of course, of course. We can all relate or we wouldn't be here!

It IS exhausting trying to figure out what to say and what not to say and how to avoid setting them off...and that's BEFORE realizing they have BPD!

I'm not even a week into knowing, I don't think, and in some ways it does make me feel lighter to know. None of that stuff is about me. It's not about YOU either.

While it still hurts, I already grieved the relationship and marriage I thought I had last December when he came forward with his lifetime of cheating. I thought we were moving forward so well.

My therapist has been a big help. If you have the ability, I highly recommend finding someone for yourself who understands BPD. It will go an INCREDIBLY long way to hear you aren't alone in a different way.

Funny, we just moved to a different state as well. I miss my home. I would never have moved if he had said what he said earlier. But, other people own that house. And now we are all (two kids) uprooted and more isolated than ever.

I wish I had more advice or some magic way to feel better. But I don't.

Read and memorize all you can while you figure out what you want and what you can live with. And find an experienced BPD therapist for yourself. 

You aren't alone.

[Swimmy55]

Hi HeRow,
Yep we can relate!
 It sounds like  your well has run dry , and nothing can do that faster than interactions with a BPD.   So glad you are here as this forum can be  part of your network and tool you can use for inner resilience.   Another thing that has helped me is 12 step family support groups like Al anon or Co dependents anonymous(CODA).  These are free , online  and helps put our focus back on ourselves while detaching kindly from our BPD people. 
It is mandatory to put some effort into self care !  It is so easy to get sucked into the BPD vortex otherwise.  As you grow and get some inner core strength, rants about gloves won't take the wind out of you as much. 
Here's a link that talks a little of what you are describing:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339692.0
You are not alone and please write back as you see fit.