Welcoming you
Boops75 
I guarantee that many here have nodded their heads when reading your post. Having a relationship with a loved one who suffers from BPD is certainly not a walk-in-the-park. It can be like walking in a mine field...never sure when a wrong step will result in an explosion.
I remember one of the many incidents with our daughter. We, too, had had a lovely dinner celebration at her house. When we left, all were smiling, hugs were exchanged. Aw...our world was wonderful...life was great! The next morning I answered the phone to hear..."I hope you are proud of yourself!"...the only words said before she hung up and another long period of being estranged followed.
Needless to say, I so understand your feelings of hurt and being lost. That is no way for us to live. We don't deserve that kind of treatment but it is up to us to get it under control.
You write that your daughter has BPD. Was that an official diagnosis? Has she ever had treatment...counselling or meds? Have you, yourself, ever had counselling to learn how to better handle her BPD behaviours?
I have participated in this caring community for over 4 years now. It was the best thing I did to get me started on my healing...get myself to the point where I no longer cowered under her rages and false accusations. My daughter, like yours, fights those inner demons and one of the best things we can do to help them is to set up boundaries...help them to corral those demons.
With all that said, Boops75, so much is now up to you. Your daughter either can't or won't change her behaviours...but you can. Think back over the times she has snapped and then try to remember how you handled it. Do your homework here. Take advantage of all the information available to help YOU start to make changes. Progress towards better tomorrows can be slow but bit-by-bit you can learn to become more empowered in warding off her blows and getting on with enjoying those other aspects in your life.
Hope you keep sharing. We learn from each other here. It is comforting for each of us to know that we are not alone in our troubles.
Huat
