Spouse with periodic BPD flare ups

[BlueSkyBlue]

Hello,
My spouse has not been professionally diagnosed with BPD, but the signs are there, and I've been living with it since we were married in 2015.  I myself am fairly passive, and probably mildly co-dependent, so I walk on eggshells and go along with her most of the time, and things are generally on an even keel.  Sometimes though, situations erupt that involve a third party and I'm caught in the middle, and a big, dramatic incident occurs that lasts for days.  This happens every few months.
The main characteristics I'm dealing with are paranoid beliefs about the intentions of others, suspicions that others have bad intentions about her, misinterpreting harmless statements, and overreacting to perceived attacks.  There is always some basis in reality, so it's not outright hallucinations.  As far as her background, she was neglected by and did not bond with her mother and was molested as a child.  I love her very much, and operate under the assumption that love and respect and care will win in the end.  She has many many good qualities, but these episodes are taking a toll.  I usually spend the several days that we are fighting and not speaking fantasizing about getting a divorce.  So it's not a healthy situation.  I am hoping to find some insight on this board and possibly some support.  Thank you for reading.

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[pursuingJoy]

BlueSkyBlue, welcome to BPDFamily! This is so tough, isn't it? I've been in a marriage where I fantasized about getting out.

Sometimes though, situations erupt that involve a third party and I'm caught in the middle, and a big, dramatic incident occurs that lasts for days.  This happens every few months.

This is really interesting to me. Can you describe one or two of these third-party incidents and how you responded? Would it help to brainstorm different ways to respond that would serve to de-escalate as well as keep you out of it? What you're describing is triangulation. Have you checked out our article on the Karpman triangle? In case you haven't come across it yet, here you go:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

My husband has an enmeshed relationship with his mom. He has a deep desire to maintain his status as the golden child, the good kid, the preferred one. Over the years, they frequently triangulated me and made me the scapegoat. It almost seemed like a means of connection for them. They allied against me and it made them feel more secure in their relationship. I've learned some ways to step out of the triangle and slowly, our dynamic has changed.

Our situations aren't the same, but I want you to know yours can get better. 

[Oneschizoangel]

@pursuing_joy, i didn’t originate this post but I have some questions regarding triangulation. In reading the link you provided it appears as if you are expected to keep your expectations low. I have been reading about bpd and it keeps coming back to this. I am coming to a realization that the relationship I had been trying to build quite possibly will never exist. When it tells you to stop being one of the three Parts of the triangle,  I find that the only way to do that is to distance yourself because you cannot depend on your partner to make choices and do things that may have a critical effect on the family unit. Is this something that I’m misunderstanding?

[pursuingJoy]

When it tells you to stop being one of the three Parts of the triangle,  I find that the only way to do that is to distance yourself because you cannot depend on your partner to make choices and do things that may have a critical effect on the family unit. Is this something that I’m misunderstanding?

Staying off the triangle is something you control. It's not something someone else does to you. Sure, they can try to pull you in, but it's your choice to accept.

Triangulation is a reality. When a couple goes to see a marriage counselor, that's triangulation. When my daughter talks to me about her frustrations with her dad, (my ex-husband) that's triangulation.

Unhealthy triangulation happens when the marriage counselor takes the husband's side and 'gangs up' on the wife, or when I jump on my daughter's bandwagon and add fuel to the fire by telling her she's right and share my experience with her dad. Unhealthy triangulation is a result of poor boundaries and it happens when I step out of my yard. Unhealthy triangulation means you're playing victim, persecutor or rescuer, and it means you're imbalanced and no longer centered.

My husband and his mom share very poor boundaries and frequently scapegoat/triangulate others. It's frustrating. It creates conflict. But I can't control their actions. The only thing I can control is how much and how I engage with them.

Do you want to share an example of triangulation that you've experienced? Sometimes it helps to talk through something that's happened.

[Oneschizoangel]

Yes, one of my fiancé’s friends frequently calls on him to rescue her. When I asked him to set firm boundaries with her because I was not going to have her living with us and other inappropriate things she wanted, he tried to distance himself but In doing so he couldn’t say that he wanted to set boundaries, he put it out as I was making him set boundaries. So the cycle began. She asked again to come to our house to spend the night, apparently he told her that I fought with him for three days as a result of that. What really happened was that I told him that she was pushing boundaries again and then distanced myself because he was upset that I was upset. We finally talked and I explained that she’s pushing boundaries and each time she does it needs to be addressed. So I feel like this is an example of triangulation where I’m asking for boundaries to be set because I am the one who holds the jobs in the family unit, my boundary is, other ppl may not use my house as a crash pad and hang out all day while I work. So if I set this boundary and it keeps getting tested I almost feel like I have to distance myself from him or risk becoming a caregiver and provider for him and this other female.

[pursuingJoy]

Oneschizoangel, this would be a great independent thread! Do you mind copying what you wrote here and creating a separate thread? I'm sure others would want to chime in on this boundaries/triangulation conversation.