20 years to realize

[darry]

So I was once again reading online to see why I feel my wife is bullying me or manipulating me and started reading about BPD and found the book.

My mood has improved immensely knowing I am not alone in this world, knowing it is not all my fault.

I have been thinking about divorce a lot lately but I have 3 children that I am very close to and I am very afraid of custody issues, or my wife taking my children to her home country and I came to the conclusion a few years back already, that to better stay married to my wife than being her divorcee.

We are from different countries and therefore live in a third country as expats, hence we have always been very isolated and living a codependent life. Me walking on egg shells, trying to please and succeeding less than half of the time. The other half I am frustrated, alone, horny, doing everything for the kids, work, family.

The most recurring pattern is that my wife is not happy with her life. We need to change schools, change house or change country because she cannot stand the current place anymore. She will rant about it until I make it happen. In 20 years of relationship we have relocated uncountable times.


I think over the past few years I have already improved my own life by realising that I have to take care of myself always in order to be strong for the family. Also I saw over time that actually I am calling all the shots. If I decide something it will happen. My wife will want to move and cry about it and complain, but only once I put my mind to something and start working on it, the change actually happens. So I feel that I do make all the decisions in oir life.

So I am now these days just understanding what my actual situation is. Reading the books and looking for help here to see where I want to go from here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

im glad you found us.

i learned about bpd under different circumstances, after i was broken up with, but i know how it feels to learn that there are answers, and that youre not alone.

twenty years is a long time. you share three children, and i assume, many wonderful memories.

at the same time, you describe some eroding, and you sound worn down.

it is hard to change the dynamics of a 20 year relationship. it is certainly possible. in some cases, change can be pretty dramatic. in others, it can be "good enough". in others, it can frankly be the start of the end of the relationship.

the question is...where would you want to start?