Very Sudden Crisis Part 2

[Turkish]

Extra-marital affairs typically take a while to wind down. They are still together. What do you think about inviting her back, and would you be ok with the added dimension of navigating their break up?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DS2020]

Oh I think they seem to be fully broken up. That's not really the issue. The issue is how much harm she has done to me and the rest of our family with her actions. In addition to the challenge i  would have in trusting her or being intimate with her, I would wonder whether this would be repeated.

More than ever, I believe my original theory was correct. In an effort to avoid the emotional stress and psychological trauma she was facing with our son moving out for college, she reverted to her old psychological escape - an inappropriate relationship with another man. He happened to be in the right place (or the wrong place) at the time. In order to justify what she was doing in her head, she had to create a narrative in which I was a husband who did not meet up to her expectations. Now that reality is setting in, she is desperate to get back to what she had.

I am in a situation in which I would have a myriad of pre-conditions to even consider taking her back, but we know how pwBPD deal with ultimatums. I have told her mother, who I have a close relationship with, that at a minimum I would need to see her fully committed to ongoing regular counseling, she would need to stay away and work on herself for at least another month, she would need to stop any and all relationships, even just flirting, with all other men, and she would need to agree to an ironclad post nuptial agreement that mirrored what we have agreed to in this pending divorce. We would also need some pretty intense family and marriage counseling to try to heal the wounds. How that will be received is yet to be seen.

[Turkish]

How do you think that all would be perceived by her?

[DS2020]

I'm guessing that at the moment (and we all know what that means), she would be good with it. Problem is I don't want it to come off as an ultimatum. Trying to utilize her mom as a conduit and for her mom to offer these things up as suggestions to her.

[Turkish]

Be careful communicating though her mom. That triangulation could get messy. Things will get lost in translation, and your wife will likely feel different emotions hearing it from Mommy rather than you.

[DS2020]

Legitimate concern Turkish, despite the fact that MIL and I have a very close relationship. Any advice on how to have those discussions without it sounding like an ultimatum? To this day she resents deeply my resisting initially the engagement because I was concerned about her mental health and her rage. I said things like "I need us to be able to go a month or two without any big blow-ups before I get engaged, because I had obvious concerns about her then undiagnosed BPD traits. In her mind, I was committing mortal sins by dangling the engagement in front of her, and rather than view it as me having justified concerns about her rage issues, she viewed it practically as abuse on my part.

[Turkish]

The lessons at the top of the board are helpful material.

The communication tools in Lesson 3 detail how to communicate better with a pwBPD. 

1.15 | Communicate - Listen and Be Heard

I know that's a lot. There are top level summaries in the green pull downs at the top of the site "Tools" in this case.  SET, for example:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I'm not sure how I would react in your situation if my wife showed some remorse or contrition, but a good start would be opening a dialog. Start there.

My ex-MIL liked me a lot and even told her daughter to stop, but in the end, she made her choices and I made mine. At the time, she showed zero remorse, quite the opposite, so you have something to work with.

[DS2020]

Thanks Turkish. She called me bawling last night from her new apartment, lamenting what a mess she has made of her life, how badly she was doing mentally, how she did not know what was wrong with her. Her "boyfriend" broke up with her because he couldn't take the chaos. She asked me to come to see her because she wasn't doing well. I calmly but sternly told her I would not go to her apartment. I told her the problem is obvious to me and those who know her best. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and her behaviors are textbook. I told her that she needs to work on herself and get to a point where she can love herself, and that if she continues to jump into new relationships thinking she will fill some void in her life, she will continue to follow the same pattern of splitting, push/pull, sabotage, break ups, chaos, and the resulting depression and continued degradation in her self esteem.
I also told her that any reconciliation on our part would require a whole lot of commitments at a minimum before I would even consider it. That would include a commitment to ongoing intensive therapy (weekly at minimum), continued self-help, eliminating all extra-marital relationships, dating, flirting, etc. (obviously), some pretty significant marriage and family counseling, and an agreement to sign a post nuptial agreement that spells out settlement terms for any future divorce. It would mirror the terms in our current divorce agreement that is underway right now.

I once again complimented her on all her attractive traits that made me fall in love with her, while also acknowledging how awful and destructive her behaviors can be. I tried to be compassionate, yet stern, sticking to facts. We did end the call amicably and she had stabilized by the end of the call. Apparently she reported to her mother how much better she felt after talking to me.

Ultimately, I am comfortable and feeling good about my situation. I can accept divorce and moving on, and I can accept a reconciliation, but only on the conditions I laid out above.

[DS2020]

I hadn't posted in a while. My separated BPD wife has continued her descent and is now having the breakdown that I assumed was coming. She has sunk into a deep depression, barely eating or drinking, feeling very sorry for herself, but also totally remorseful (at the moment) for all the damage she has caused. Her extramarital relationship (which was just a symptom of her BPD and a reaction to her inability to cope with her son leaving for college) has failed. She is in a very dark place. She has begged repeatedly to be able to come back, and I have stood firm and said no. She has finally agreed to enter an intensive inpatient treatment center. She goes in tomorrow. In addition to BPD, she has very significant obsessive thoughts and fears. She also is ADHD and while I don't think she meets all criteria of bipolar, certainly has manic episodes.

She is obviously terrified, and I am crossing my fingers that she will not back out. Her mother and I are taking her tomorrow morning. I have repeatedly told her that she needs to get better not just for any future relationships with me, our kids, or anyone else, but most importantly for herself. I agreed to slow down on the divorce which was what she was really pushing for initially. I have explained that this intensive therapy will need to be accompanied with the correct medication, and lots of ongoing therapy and hard work on her part.

Anyone here have any luck with inpatient intensive therapy? I know it is not a panacea, but hoping it will get her pointed in the right direction