13 years with BPD ex. All becoming clear now about how destructive BPD is.

[Gavin Gallagher]

Hi all

I’ve been romantically linked to a pwBPD for 13 years now. Married for 3 1/2 of them. It had recently and finally completely ended to me but to her it ended a long time ago. In fact, it ended within the first few months for her. We were together with her living the charade for a while with cracks appearing and behaviours I found suspect but forgave or attempted to understand due to her past abusive relationship. She then fell pregnant with our first child and another soon followed. Two amazing kids. Since then it’s been a living hell. Post natal depression, a mother who never wanted to be a mother, blamed the kids for her unhappiness and myself for keeping her trapped in a life she didn’t want or choose. Often thrown at me that her life was forced upon her. I always empathised with her and tried to convince her she was a good mother and good partner and good person despite her repeatedly telling me she wasn’t. She’s High Functioning and knows all her behaviours very well. I look back and can see all the lies, distortions of the truth, situations we faced whether real or imagined to her, times she would show me glimpses of the person I once loved intensely then took her away again to keep me addicted or dependant. I now know was living with the love of my life and my greatest enemy at the same time. No matter how hard she tried, her disease just wouldn’t let her settle into any normal routine of life. She craved excitement and risky situations and behaviours, emotional adrenaline rushes and felt her family was stifling her true self. She complained of being controlled and yet wanted to have decisions made for her. She loved plans but hated plans. She constantly repeated she wanted nothing or no-one but her behaviours always suggested the opposite. In fact, everything she ever said her behaviours always showed the exact opposite. Especially when it came to the words “I love you”. They were said often but I now know they were never meant. Her actions always said the opposite but I hung on to the words. We broke up 2 years ago and then in that time we had moments. I never lost hope of remaining together as a couple and a family. She manipulated me by giving me the attention I craved then taking it away again just as quickly. I could never figure out why she was the way she was. I was tortured and abused psychologically for so long I lost all sense of myself, I plummeted into a depression myself (twice) but I finally kicked myself into wellness. Even when I got myself into the person I wanted to be, for her, it was viewed as a negative. It annoyed her. I realise now that it didn’t ever matter what I did or didn’t do. I would always be in her “black” box and winning her love back was never an available option. It was impossible for me to break free from her as my connection to her was constant for our 13 years. Recently we had a brief rekindling again but this time the ending was substantially damaging. I see the patterns the more I read. In the two weeks before the final nail was driven into our lives together she slept with me twice and was so lovely. Words said before, during and after we’re so heartfelt (it seemed) and she was just like the girl I met 13 years ago. I now know that was an attempt at control. Giving me what I had craved for so long then took it away the next day when she said “ignore her from last night, it wasn’t me”. Earth crushed! It simply was to keep me addicted incase she needed me when the time came to leave me, incase her new interest didn’t want her and she had no choice but to stay with me a little longer before the next opportunity came along. We have two kids, they are amazing, they are going to be traumatised from having her as a mother, I am from having her as a wife and I now have to focus on myself and them. I don’t know how it’s going to go in the future now as she’s their mother but she’s unstable and can be a dangerous influence. I’m not optimistic we will get anywhere amicably but that will be my main focus as my children don’t need any more upheaval or destructive behaviours from a parental figure. I’m hoping I can find some support in this community and help me best my final addiction in life, my wife.

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[grumpydonut]

but to her it ended a long time ago

Yep, but they don't let you know this until you're replaced. And there's always a justification for their push / pull.

Post natal depression

Or a handy excuse for the fact she actively enjoys her identification as a miserable victim.

I look back and can see all the lies, distortions of the truth, situations we faced whether real or imagined to her, times she would show me glimpses of the person I once loved intensely then took her away again to keep me addicted or dependant.

Isn't hindsight wonderful.

I now know was living with the love of my life and my greatest enemy at the same time

100%. Sleeping next to a wolf you believe is a sheep. But she felt she was a wolf pretending to be a sheep.

She craved excitement and risky situations and behaviours, emotional adrenaline rushes and felt her family was stifling her true self.

She craved because it's the only time she "feels" anything. Whether it be the high of the situation, or the low of shame that comes after it. They identify as bad / helpless / dominated souls. Their disorder is masochistic, and eventually turns sadistic once you've been identified as the "source" of their misery. Only, you aren't.

Especially when it came to the words “I love you”

She may have also felt this way in the moment, but her feelings are ever changing, thus so is her truth. Or she could have thought you were about to abandon her, thus used this to control you.

She manipulated me by giving me the attention I craved then taking it away again just as quickly.

Likely the push / pull phase where she cycles between feeling engulfed and abandoned. Also likely unintentional. Just the disorder (unless she's also NPD).

I plummeted into a depression myself

Well people can't make sick people well, but sick people will almost make well people sick if there are no boundaries.

Words said before, during and after we’re so heartfelt (it seemed) and she was just like the girl I met 13 years ago.

That's how she felt in the moment. Then she left, and she felt differently. They are dangerous and sick individuals, but they are rarely stable enough to plan anything ahead of time.

I’m hoping I can find some support in this community and help me best my final addiction in life, my wife.

You most certainly will. Welcome to the beginning of wisdom and healing!

[Gavin Gallagher]

I posted yesterday about my BPD wife and although the replies helped a little I can’t help but feel there’s a bit of hate going about. I don’t blame my wife for anything. I don’t hate her and I don’t wish her any harm or anything but good health and happiness (if ever achievable). She didn’t choose to be born with her brain. She wouldn’t pick to be the way she is. If there was a switch to make her BPD go away she’d flick it immediately. I hope when her therapy starts and she’s properly medicated until that time, that she find some form of happiness inside herself. That would be wonderful outcome of some miserable years. Years I don’t regret for a moment as they gave me 2 kids and I discovered more about myself than I ever thought possible. I’ve realised I am a whole person, my thoughts, feelings and emotions are real, I show them. If I show anger it’s because I’m angry, love because I’m in love, pain because I’m in pain etc etc. I’m a fighter, I’m determined, I’m passionate in what I believe in. My wife would give everything to feel like that but she can’t. I feel her pain and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

[Skip]

I’ve realised I am a whole person, my thoughts, feelings and emotions are real, I show them. If I show anger it’s because I’m angry, love because I’m in love, pain because I’m in pain etc etc. I’m a fighter, I’m determined, I’m passionate in what I believe in. 

This is good. Many of us show secondary (safer) emotions - like when we are hurt, we show anger (or hatred). It's complex for sure.

How re the children taking all that has transpired? How do you feel about it at this juncture?

[dindin]

Yeah, I noticed it as well. Internet is filled with hate towards all personality disorders. Depending of who got hurt, you'll find places and people who bash on BPD, NPD or even codependency. It seems people want to have a scapegoat.

But that being said there is a rather philosophical question about personal responsibility for abuse. Whose fault is it? Who should be the target of my anger? If someone mistreats me, are they off the hook because they have a nameable condition? How many of letter-soup diagnosis is enough to give them a pass? How many behaviours we now accept as someone being evil or an asshole, that will later be named and categorised as brain abnormalities?

Can we scientifically "pathologise" evil into non-evil? Into a fact? What about my hate and anger?

This is, I found out, an extremely complicated question. Because when it comes to my ex pwBPD, I kinda can see how I participated in all that to a degree, and how there was a fantasy bond. And as much as I think she was responsibble personally for not taking care of her disorder, I simply think she was incapable of it, and I should have left the stage much sooner having recognised that.

But let's keep that in mind, that I find her personally responsible, when we talk about thay my parents were most likely cluster B personality type disordered. Whose fault is it? They sure as **** didn't have access to theraputic help such as I, didn't even know a single thing about psychology. And yet they were abusive. And they were abusive, because their parents in turn were even more abusive. This chain of abuse and evil probably stretches generations and generations into the past. And who is responsible? Who can I be angry at? Who can I hate?

The more I think about it, the more blurry it all gets, and my hate subsides in favour of non-forgiving, angry compassion, if that term makes sense. I wish there was a word for it. But I can honestly see how someone could go to a different conclusion here.

[formflier]

I'm a big fan of "and also" rather than "either or".

I think it's possible to 100% let people be responsible for their own actions (regardless of disorder) and also for each person to have personal boundaries and also to have empathy and compassion for each other.

Yes it's possible that disordered people have a harder time being in relationships but if we give up and don't let them be responsible for their own emotions/actions/disorder...how will they ever mature?

Best,

FF

[formflier]

What if it is true that "in the moment" she said those lovely things about you..that they were true/honest expressions of how she felt?

What if it is true that when she said horrible things to/about you that those were also true in that moment?

I'm positive we can help you work through this.  We get it!

Best,

FF

[grumpydonut]

Wow, come to a forum for support and get called hateful. Nice form.

[Skip]

Don't be grumpy, 'donut. 

[grumpydonut]

I wouldn't be the donut I am without my grumpiness. I am appreciative of my new character, though

[formflier]

What if it is true that when she said horrible things to/about you that those were also true in that moment?

 

I don't want anything to be misconstrued. 

I probably should have said...what if it were true "to your pwBPD" in that moment.

The point I was making is "in that moment" their feelings are massive and crowd other things out...that moment passes and they can have dramatically different feelings and may not even remember the old feelings.

What would the impact of that (if true) be on their relationships?

Best,

FF