Intro and next steps?

[NorthernMom]

Glad to have found a support group as this is all new to me/our family.

Lonnnnnnnggggg story as short as I can put it:  My 17 (almost 18) year old daughter is now living away from home at university residence, is largely estranged from her dad and I, and left for school under very distressing terms.  She wasn't supposed to be there anyway as we had been preparing for her to go to 1st year remotely from home like many. 

Since early Sept when she left (pseudo-ran away with little preparation), we have been reeling with sadness and confusion.  But over the last month, I have been piecing together the puzzle that has come very clearly now into view, that she is, and has been, struggling with BPD characteristics.  What was originally a diagnosis of Social Anxiety ~ 2 years ago, progressed significantly since around May/June this past summer and she continued to deteriorate in ways that at the time, we just couldn't understand.  By end of summer she was chaos.  Had stopped all medication cold, had stopped all counselling.

She communicates with other family members, but not her Dad and I to any degree.  She left under a state of high anxiety and hostility...we are financially keeping our commitment to support her education, so what little communication we have revolves around those transactions.  But even in that space, there is alot of hostility towards me.

Through family we believe she is struggling with online learning, isolation on campus, and seeking counseling.  I have provided family history to the campus counseling service, got her current psychiatrist to refer her to the psychiatrist on campus (not sure if she will even go) and through those conversations, the reference to BPD came up.  I started reading.  She fits just about every single category.

Now I am aware of her struggle...but we are helpless.  I don't know how the concept of BPD can be revealed to her or whether she would see these behaviours in herself.  I don't know how to deal with the grief of feeling like I have lost my daughter and I worry constantly about what will happen if she drops out of or fails at university...not from an academic perspective but just the fact that is her shelter, food and source of support for her mental state. 

She has declared that she will never come home.  Her statements that she has no friends, no purpose at home, that there is no love in the home etc. are not new.  We heard them in the summer and I just couldn't figure it out at all.  But those statements couldn't materialize in anything because she didn't have any other place to go.  So university is that other place for now...unless she bolts from there too. 

Trying hard not to fall apart when there is an entire family being sucked into this massive black hole of her illness.  She has no concept of the implications of her actions and words, nor how much damage we are trying to heal from given the incredibly difficult and rollercoaster summer we had with her.

That's my "download".  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunny28]

Hello and thank you for sharing your story.    I read it with amazement as you could be telling my story.   We have very parallel circumstances.   My son just turned 19 and is starting first year of University.   He has struggled with BPD characteristics for a few years but has never been diagnosed.  He will not entertain the idea of any help or treatment (everything is wrong with us...not him).   He had always planned on moving to his campus which is 6 hours from home.   We welcomed the chance for him to experience some independence but I was skeptical and wondered if it could make things worse.  He took a gap year after high school which I hoped would give him time to mature.  I envisioned all of the crisis texts I would be reading from 6 hours away.   COVID happened and his studies are completely online but he had the option to still live on campus in residence.   He chose to stay at home.   2 weeks before school he changed his mind and after a huge blow up in the family - he was going and never coming back.   I was worried but wanted to save what was left of my family and our sanity at home.   Again he changed his mind and is at home.   The first month went fairly well but just today - the switch flipped again.  He was raging about some email from a professor (which was nothing problematic).   I am working from home and find myself to be his target, his audience and the direction for his rages and tantrums.         I've tried the supportive and validating talk and I'm just worn out.  The result was more rage, slamming, hitting furniture and yelling.    I left.    I have been dealing with a child of similar age and circumstance to yours and I don't really have great advice but can tell  you that you are not alone.     I have done a lot of reading about BPD and it all makes sense.   My son checks all the boxes.   I have read about how to communicate, validate, support.    I do try really hard but it does not come naturally to me and I have not been successful.      I feel like the good part of my son is in there and I see him from time to time.   The BPD son is wearing me down.  I'm exhausted and want an empty nest.  His outbursts, rages and treatment of others has destroyed my family unit.  He is full of hate for all of us.    He still might go to residence in January (my husband wants him out).    I'm afraid he won't cope and things will be worse and jeopardize his academic future.   He is extremely intelligent and wants to get an education.   My hope for him was to seek treatment and learn some coping skills to deal with his emotional dysregulation and negative thoughts.   He refuses.  My hope for you is that since your daughter has had some treatment, maybe she will seek more.   Please take whatever comfort in knowing that someone understands what you are going through.  My family is there too.

[NorthernMom]

Though I don't like to lean on the theory of 'misery loves company' ...there is a sense of relief in knowing others are sharing an experience and maybe we can help relieve the 'misery' and somehow move forward.

The guilt of actually feeling relieved to be away from the constant emotional roller coaster, turmoil and hostility is confusing.  It has to be better for all of us in some way to be in separate spaces..., but it also brings on the constant feeling of worry and loss...and waiting for a crisis to hit and a phone call to come in telling me something tragic.

I have resolved to starting each day fresh, control what I can, taking advice of self-care, and focusing on other family who also need attention. I am also relying on the faith that the family members my daughter is actually connecting with will continue to support with open ears/heart and advice.  They know of my thoughts on her having BPD characteristics and maybe...just maybe...something will land for her to bring this up with a counselor. 

I feel where you are at.  Every day with our daughter was a wonder what was next?  Which emotion was going to get set off, was this going to be a good day or not?...who was she going to blame for what today and what drama in her life was another crisis to be pulled into etc. etc.

Do you have any support groups where you live to have an outlet for decompressing?  Easier said than done but the outlet of physical activity each day keeps my sanity too.  Every day is a new opportunity somehow.