Looking for guidance , support and resources

[rundeep]

I've been married to a hard working, creative, extremely intelligent, kind-hearted man for the last 7 years who I believe, after reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, has high-functioning BPD and I'm exhausted. We've come a long way in our marriage but it still feels like an uphill battle with more set backs than progress. I'm worried about my physical and mental health. I'm in emotional pain and recently dealing with anxiety that prevents me from sleeping at night on occasion. I'm much more irritable and have developed back pain in the last couple of years. I've had unexplainable weight loss off and on throughout our relationship. My family says I'm different around my husband and that I've become more on edge. I've done a lot of work on my own self-care / boundaries in our relationship, have been in individual counseling, have sought support from a domestic violence center at one point in our marriage, and am now an active member of CoDA (Codependents Anonymous). My husband and I have dealt head on with domestic violence issues and went through a temporary separation last year where we spent 9 months living separately and working separately on ourselves in counseling. My mother said I seemed happier when we were living separately. The feeling I felt immediately after he moved out was relief. My husband completed a domestic violence course and an anger management course, is currently taking medication to help with his moods/anxiety and is in individual counseling. We tried couples counseling a few times but it never lasts more than a few months because my husband usually has a reason why he no longer trusts the therapist. We've worked so hard but I'm still feeling disconnected emotionally and less and less motivated to keep working on the relationship. There have been lots of really good times, but the bad times are so bad. I really do feel like I live with two different people and that any little thing could result in him having an anger outburst or verbal confrontation that sends my heart racing. I still experience feeling blamed, shamed, and criticized weekly and I'm constantly feeling like we experience two different realities. We are able to repair after conflict more quickly and my husband does take ownership of / responsibility for what he feels is his part in a conflict. But our conversations are often long and draining and weekly. I'm feeling uncertain whether or not to try to make things work or begin the process of separation. We have a two year old daughter who we are both on the same page about protecting and doing our best to maintain a safe home environment, but I know she's affected by our struggles. I'm in search for a new therapist for myself who understands BPD and/or resources for how to navigate this relationship. Any recommendations welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.