Struggling with Undiagnosed BF

[Vic43]

Hi, first time posting so hope I’m doing it right. I have a boyfriend who 100% has bpd, hasn’t been diagnosed as yet. He has had every single sign and symptom, but a every attempt he has made to seek help has not eventuated due to his anxiety of attending appointment, perceived weakness of mental health issues, lack of insight into his own behaviour, and poor attitudes from professionals he has seen (gp told him his ex gf was gaslighting him based on the information he’d presented from his distorted perception, other dr told him his depression was from his drug use.
 My first question is, how to successfully support someone to seek help, and where to go? He does not have a regular GP so I have booked him in with mine, but unsure after that, how do you find someone that specialises in bpd?
Secondly, when he turns on me, I can understand his feelings and empathise and remain calm however I am unsure how to respond, for instance he’ll say he feels this way because I said abc, or I did xyz (these are usually in the distant past). I know in that moment he believes what he is saying but I am unsure how to respond in a way that is helpful and doesn’t make things worse. For example “I’ve seen you flirt with other guys in front of my face” etc when I’ve never done anything remotely like that but I don’t want him to feel invalidated? Or he twists statements I’ve made and I don’t want to argue but sometimes I try and correct it - this doesn’t work either. Any advice appreciated

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[start_again]

Boyfriend>BPD>Drug Use... Where does your wellbeing fit in this equation?

[Vic43]

Sorry should’ve clarified, the drug use is not current. He has attempted to seek help many times over the years, doctor told him thoughts/feelings were from drug use, however the symptoms were present from early teenage years (prior to using any substances) and have continued after getting sober.
I have my own self care strategies and do not take anything he says personally. Im good. I’m just hoping to gain some guidance on how best to support and respond in a way that is helpful Smiling (click to insert in post)

[Melissinde]

Hey Vic!
Do you boyfriend comes back to a more lucid state after he accuses you of things you haven't said/done or twists your words?
Because mine does so when I see he is dysregulated, I know -in my case- that there is absolutely no use in trying to discuss anything. At the moment he is completely unable to think rationally and all my attempts at validating or apologising (only when I think I should apologise) result in him trying to find another reason to blame me for something. So what's working best for my boyfriend and I is for me to not engage: I validate his feelings ("I understand you feel angry right now" for example) and leave as kindly as I can ("I'd rather not discuss that at the moment but we can talk about it later on").
This only works because my boyfriend comes back to a place where he is very self-aware when the crisis is finished and more in touch with reality and facts.

[Vic43]

Hi melissinde thanks for your response. He generally does however sometimes the episodes last only a couple of hours, up to 24hours, and he will immediately apologise, however my concern at the moment is this time it’s been going for 4 days and it doesn’t seem to be subsiding he seems to be becoming increasingly angry at me and accusing me of things every time we speak. I’ll definitely avoid getting in a back and forth and hopefully things calm down soon and we can talk.

[Vic43]

Also i think I find it hard because he usually doesn’t just start accusing, he starts calmly asking questions which build up and up into accusations, like I can see where it’s going to go but I don’t know if he can