Living with a parent who may have a personality disorder

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,
I am an adult with a disability living with my mother, who I think shows signs of bpd and maybe adhd. I find it very difficult to communicate with her over even basic things. She gets angry easily.  I’m often nervous that what I say or do will cause her to snap.

I have some chronic illnesses that leave me dependent on others. I need to be able to speak with my mom, but I don’t know how. Sometimes when I speak, I’ll ask her to repeat what I said to know we’re on the same page. When she “repeats” it’s usually something very different. I sometimes keep repeating what I say, and ask her to say it back several times, but it’s always very different. I also try repeating back to her what she says, but she either says she didn’t say that, or that she meant something else and accuses me of knit picking.

I’m very frustrated and feel stuck.  The last therapist I spoke with just kept trying to get me out of the house, but I’m almost house bound and need others to go anywhere. 

Any suggestions about how to better communicate?

[Isis19]

Hello all,
I am an adult with a disability living with my mother, who I think shows signs of bpd and maybe adhd. I find it very difficult to communicate with her over even basic things. She gets angry easily.  I’m often nervous that what I say or do will cause her to snap.

I have some chronic illnesses that leave me dependent on others. I need to be able to speak with my mom, but I don’t know how. Sometimes when I speak, I’ll ask her to repeat what I said to know we’re on the same page. When she “repeats” it’s usually something very different. I sometimes keep repeating what I say, and ask her to say it back several times, but it’s always very different. I also try repeating back to her what she says, but she either says she didn’t say that, or that she meant something else and accuses me of knit picking.

I’m very frustrated and feel stuck.  The last therapist I spoke with just kept trying to get me out of the house, but I’m almost house bound and need others to go anywhere. 

Any suggestions about how to better communicate?

[Turkish]

Welcome,  Isis19!

That sounds like a stressful situation, especially since you are unable to currently rehome. Do you feel safe, as in not in danger?

I'm glad that you reached out to us.  We have many communication tools based upon that offered by professionals in BPD. A good, top level tool is SET. Let us know if this might be helpful. See the link at the end to a board discussion.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

What struggles, specifically, are you going through? It might help to drill down on one or two to start...

[stargazer95]

Hi,

this sounds like such a difficult situation. I am really sorry you are going through this.

Here are some things that have been helpful for me.
My mom also doesn't understand what I say and twists (or even says) things that  I have never said. Her memory of what has happened is terrible. I am reading walking on eggshells and am coming to learn that actually some of it is in her brain. She literary believes things happened differently.

So now I use written communication and oral communication so I have a record of what we said. I send it over email to her and my stepdad. And that's the other point. If there are others around during the conversation then there is third party validation but other wise it is very difficult.

I also live with chronic illness. I know the feeling. Thankfully I have found external support. I am sure you are brainstorming all kinds of options with your therapist about how to move forward and if you have options other than staying with her.

Stay strong!

[Isis19]

Thank you, both, for the kind responses and suggestions.