First post. Conflicted about how I feel. Whether to still care and try harder

[Tired11]

I am truly conflicted about whether to let go or to stay positive when she says she will try harder to change. I still love her but I am also very tired. I will be writing on both message boards because I still want to learn skills and make the relationship better but at the same time I am seeking emotional support especially when things seem to be blowing up for things that I perceive to be quite small and trivial. I try to see things from her perspective as she gets distressed quite easily but at the same time I do tell her that certain things she's done when reacting is unacceptable and not justifiable because she is feeling overwhelmed and emotional.

I'm wishing to see more improvements. Change doensnt happen overnight right...?

I have been focusing on making sure I'm ok with other things going on in my life and work and not have her affect me too much, however living together has it's own set of difficulties. It has come to the point that even me simply existing and doing things that make me happy during the day without her can affect her to a great extent that I can no longer feel at ease when I am away from her of if I have returned home knowing she was not happy since I was out..

 I want to describe more of those difficulties in another post but maybe in this one I'll just be looking to relate to those who are conflicted as well. What makes you conflicted?

For me, I'm starting to see that the negatives are outweighing the positives but I still have some patience.

I know nobody in my life would tolerate what I have get I've still convinced myself I haven't tried everything possible to be ready to make a final decision. I'm still being open minded and yet as conflict grows and nothing more is improving, I'm noticing that I am starting to care less than I used to.


My story
I've been with my gf for 6 months and she is living with me. I work part-time and she is currently unemployed and isn't looking for work (until she completes her studies). Like many stories you may heard, it started off super fast and we started living together after 1 month of knowing each other. When I met her she had issues with using illicit drugs and was homeless for some of the time after she was kicked out of her accommodation. Her relationship with her parents at this time was not good. They were pictured as monsters and she blocked off all communication between them. I often responded and looked out for her when she contacted me. I looked past many of her issues, came with no judgement and simply appreciated the time spent with her during this rough patch. I then came to fall in love with her. By the 2nd month of living together we were official.

I am aware of my tendency to take care of others or take more responsibilities to a degree that my friends or family or people I know would not. So far I have looked for advice and a listening ear through a close friend I trust. Nobody believed she could change or get better however, from the first month living with me until now she has shown tremendous improvement in flipping her life around, and being completely drug free. It was not easy but she was determined. She also removed other prescribed medications that was intended to manage anxiety (mirtazipine). She did not like it's effects on her functioning throughout the day, then eased off it and has told me she is happier without medication. She used to go to NA meetings, but finds it triggering now and has left it. She still smokes but has cut back to once a day.

She has also reconnected with her family and they're communicating positively on the phone with her on a daily basis. I find them very kind and generous (unlike first described), and I get along well with her family. We visit her parents once a week, they send a lot of essentials and material goods to her, however they check in with her daily through text and calling. They check in at least once every morning, afternoon and evening as to what she is doing and how she is feeling throughout the day. They also suggest things for her to do. She has also cut off all drug related friends (most of her friends) and is left with one online friend that lives interstate which she texts a lot.

Her over the phone drug counsellor stopped speaking with her too as they have determined she is coping better and does not require their service.

She mentioned she did DBT years ago and would not do it again unless she thinks things are unbearable for her. She mentioned to me that she will just read her books to refresh her skills.

I want to talk about issues regarding conflict and things blowing up where I think they could have been handled better. She has proven to me she can get better e.g. no more drugs  but the stress in our life has still sky rocketed regardless despite her ability.

Although I love her, my patience is wearing thin and I'm becoming very tired of the persistent conflict on a daily basis. I'm striving for more peace and harmony throughout my day and hoping that it gets better. I'm feel sad that I'm becoming numb to the drama, and leaning closer to not caring when I do love her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[legalboxers]

@tired11. I read your story. Echos same with mine. But with me, her mom died when I met her, and her father took off, she wanted nothing to do with him. We also moved fast. She would be mad alot because I did not move in with her immediately (I had to take care of my mom - who is 85, I have no family) she accused me of cheating multiple times and fighting with me. She got mad at my friends who texted me. And she was like "One more text message from someone and we are done" I said ok. So my close friend who has stage 4 breast cancer messaged me. And she went off on me and wishing the poor girl death. So I was like "You said one more message, and here it is one more message. So bye. Within 10 hours of the fighting or so I thought. she replaced me. She said in her post "he landed in her lap".. I changed my cell #. I wanted no contact with her. So this way, she cant find me. It took me time to forget her (Im battling my own health problems) so I guess in a way the pain Im dealing with my own health, outweighs her..

[Tired11]

I am very sorry to hear that. That sounds very controlling of her to say who you can and cannot text. She did not consider your feelings but I am glad to hear it is over  That's right, put yourself first now. So hurtful. You deserved better.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Tired-

Welcome to BPDfamily.  These are chaotic relationships that do take a lot of compassion and extreme amounts of patience, all at the risk of complete self-sacrifice if you’re not very careful. And you pretty much opened your home to a stranger from the get-go.  You’re correct, not many would do that.  Although if you read these boards, you’ll find that often these relationships do begin similarly to yours.  It still makes my brain freeze when I realize that within 3 months my exBPD/NPDbf had moved his things into my home (no discussion) while I was asleep. 

You’ve come to learn that your BPDgf  IS able to turn things around... stop using, etc.  You also know that she has done DBT in the past, but she says she will not re-engage unless things are unbearable for her.  What happens when things become unbearable for you?   Will that be enough for her  to re-engage?  I don’t know much (at all ) about DBT skills, but I thought they were “lifelong” (workbooks, etc)?

So my first question would be - when your BPDgf makes these “changes” to her life, is it in response to seeing a need for herself, or is this some goal to PLEASING a partner?  Did she clean herself up for YOU?   Does this have staying power if she finds every reason to seek no outside support and is leaning on you to keep her clean and upright?

There is a HUGE pressure on you to be the sole support to a person, a newly sober person, who you’ve known for 6 months... and who suffers from BPD.  That’s a big ask.  And it’s neither fair nor reasonable.  She already was who she is when you met.  Although she may be wonderful and awful, Please remember that.

How’s your communication with her?  This can improve with some work.  Please look at the TOOLS, WORKSHOPS sections and scroll through.  Take your time.  I’d begin with learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  And take it from there...

Since your Gf DOES take positive steps, your future may well look bright (tho’ she’s got to understand and face what make her use, and YOU cannot be blamed or threatened).

Finally, please please keep in mind that boundaries are vital.  You NEED to engage in self-care (your friends, your family, life beyond her) so that you’re not swallowed up.  You know this.  She needs to stay clean, whatever that takes... if it’s not a meeting, then therapy.  And time WITH her family without you, perhaps?  Hobbies of her own?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Tired11]

You have no idea how much I appreciate this post. Thank you I honestly wish I had someone to chat to while I was with her. It blew up today. Really bad but I still want to improve my communication skills for sure. I love her so much still after everything that has happened and feel so defeated.  She did show signs of turning around, she did prove she could get off drugs and she is trying her best.  This is my other post about the massive break up.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347146.msg13127960#new

I honestly don't know I wish I could ask her? Maybe one day when things are less heated I could. My only assumption is a bit of both. Its blurry to me because she did threaten to just to back  on drugs if it didn't work because what's the point without me that it's just a worthless life and that she never wanted to let me go Or imagine a life without me (at the time).
I knew she idealised me a bit at the start. I disnt have issues with mental health or drug problems nor abusive like she describes many of her exes so I was this "fresh start" and she was safe for some time.

It was a lot of pressure on me. I did fall in love with her in the process of making sure she was ok. At first I was just seeing her casually then I threw caution to the wind because I did genuinely start to feel more than just wanting to make sure she's ok. She did like proving herself. So yes to an extent it was for me but she also says she does things for herself. Again it contradicts depending on context since she does say at times what's the point without me in her life.

When the cops were called that was the final boundary crossed. She went to the point of no return I honestly felt that I couldn't do more to settle her down but get them involved which then resulted in our separation, her moving out suddenly. We were going to discuss our relationship but her sense of urgency for answers didn't compliment my talk about it later because I'm overwhelmed and need to think about how I feel and what I address approach. That's where we clash and the escalation begins.

Sad thing she told me today is that her friends were right about me that I'm not self aware enough to care about her point of view and unfortunately I wasn't able to prove her or them wrong. I admit I'm not perfect and I might not know how to handle certain situations at times but I tried to let her judgements way me down and try to pat my own back.. That I did care and have self awareness..   I'm here because I care not only to have benefited our relationship but to better understand our dynamics and my own reactions. I avoid conflict I know that about myself and me walking away when things were too much for me to handle was the strategy I knew for myself. For her it was running away and now I realise she might have a lot wrong going on in how she sees things but what about me? What could I have done? Everyone in my life thinks nothing could have made her happier but for whatever reason I still want to improve my approach with or without her

[Tired11]

I forgot to mention she's very isolated at the moment. She removed all her drug related friends. She fought with some friends online 2 days ago? They never want to speak with her again. I think she's left with one online friend but in my opinion she has not been helpful to our relationship, causing trouble based on her telling my now ex that I've gaslighter her this whole time and that I'm making out that she is the problem. I told her her issues especially the lashing out in my opinion outweighed my walking away (which noone saw as an issue). Her friend thinks I'm the kind of person to say she's wrong and I'm right and that is not what I intended. I just meant she work on those lashing out behaviours and i can try and work on being present and not easily scared off. My own trusted friend said how is my behaviour wrong when it's only in consequence of the stress she gives? This is a friend i have a stable relationship with and never truly fought with for the 8 plus years of being best friends. I could still tweak myself but somehow my exes friend got it twisted saying I'm bad for making her feel worse about herself. It becomes this cimparison game I don't want to participate in. "Oh you think you're so great huh". I don't go out looking for flaws and again another destructive thing she does is find faults even to the point there isn't any for her to feel better about herself.   I told her well I know my friend isn't perfect but I don't find reasons to look for a flaw, he just doesn't stress or bother me and I just enjoy who he is and wish it was the same for us.
Sorry for the rant...

So she has 1 online friend and her parents support. She currently lives with them now and is looked after. No job. No particular hobbies..   Netflix and food from when we lived together and excessive cleaning and a lot of boredom..

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey there-  (Sorry, my Post is a bit out I’d order)

I’m so sorry... so sorry.  I saw your post on the other board about the frightening experience you went through this morning (and your post below this one).  You don’t know this today, but you will, that this is for the best, for now.  She is responsible for her adult relationships and you are responsible for yours.  Expect that of ANY person you CHOOSE to be in a relationship with.  Adult relationships ARE a choice and not an obligation.  Know that, my friend.

I understand you feel love for her.  Of course you do.  That doesn’t die because bags are packed, she screams names at you and the door slams.

Here’s the thing.. A huge break in trust has taken place.  On both sides.  But your concern right now has GOT to be YOU.  And this is NOT SELFISH.  Apart from everything you’re telling yourself about all the stuff you “could have, should have” done better, taller, wider, stronger, deeper... you did do the BEST you could for who SHE is today.  And who YOU are today.  And that’s it.  Radical Acceptance.  That’s what you can trust right now.

So what to do?  I’d say.., find out why your mom said you don’t need to be a hero.  Interesting statement from your mom.  Why did she say that?  What does mom know?  What is it in YOU that requires you to SAVE someone?

Understand the meaning and real threat when your GF stated that she would use drugs again depending on YOUR behaviors.  That’s a huge message, no?  As in... “I did this for you...now you REALLY owe me!”... that’s my take.  

I declined a marriage proposal years ago from an alcoholic man I loved dearly.  We were young, in love, had so much fun, but I knew that would lead to a life of heartache.  That was in the 80’s.  About 9 years ago, when he’d been sober for 8 years he found me to make amends.  We’re good friends now and yes, his life and marriage was filled with heartache... separated several times blah blah blah.  He “says” he’s going to divorce, but I doubt it.  And he STILL behaves like an impulsive addict in many ways.  He’s 64.  So think good and hard about it.

Back to you.
So my friend... do yourself a solid and learn about you.  Take some time apart and find out your “whys”.  You can tell your GF  you need some space to think, pray, learn about yourself, your true wants in life or you can go quietly.  Your life your choice.   My belief is that when DV enters, and her threats to violence ARE DV (Domestic Violence), your safety is the only thing that matters.  Don’t let her twist that one on you.  Remember you WERE afraid.

And I’m sorry, but you need to divest yourself of the thoughts around how many friends she does or doesn’t have.  You didn’t make her this way, and you’re NOT responsible for her.  One step at a time.  Your pain is okay.  But you cannot take on her pain.  It’s time to learn why you think you “should”.

Warmly,
Gems

[Tired11]

No need to be sorry. When she crossed a fine line, although I wanted us to work it out right now, I did let that go for my own safety. She did say she wouldn't hurt me but I did see a change in her eyes I have never seen before. She was at her angriest that I've seen her, and I didn't know what to expect next. I didn't believe she'd stop and I was scared and I had to make that choice for myself and just didn't want to give in. It came to a point I just kept quiet while she kept going on and it getting worse because she needed me to cry or react or yell or something and I was being very very careful in defending myself in a way that wouldn't result in what you call DV. I couldn't force myself to give her a definite answer when she wanted one. It did feel selfish as I always want to reassure her that I care but I kept telling myself it would have allowed things to get worse if I didn't put the STOP sign and end things. I always has this feeling that if I never stood my ground and just pacified the situation for her sake she would become reliant on that instant gratification and expect me to drop everything, including any boundaries and own values and comfort just for hers and I wouldn't be contributing positively to her recovery any more. It feels like a either you or me kind or thing and if I pick me I don't care and insensitive and selfish etc.  She needs to feel in control and at the same time I am making sure I am not just a doormat. I reckon if I became one shed lose a lot of love and respect for me even if it's pleasant at the start.
You are right that this is best for us for now. I can't live in a state of fear and high stress on the daily anticipating the next fight and she can't feel like a horrible person either and compare herself to everyone including myself. Someone has to look bad or be bad for her to feel good I've gathered and it's been hard for me to figure out how to get her head out of that mindset as an outside influence. She does need to work herself but we can't do that together it without clashing heads and her getting angry that it's "always her fault " and try to find something wrong with me. I've never told her I was better than her but she's made the assumption perhaps that I think I am to the point of arrogance if i can't pinpoint my own flaws to her.  I asked my friends and family and they say my flaw is being "too nice" and giving out countless chances but I could never articulate "my flaws" to her as in how that aggregates our relationship when I'm consciously making sure I'm not being too nice and also doing things that please me even if conflicts with what she prefers at times e.g  I'll go out watering the garden at my parents and she gets upset because she prefer I spent that whole time with her.. Then that goes on to the assumption that gardening is more of a priority than her. Her recurring issue with me is saying that that I run away from her and don't take responsibility. I am confused by what she means by responsibility. That is all I had from her as feedback.
As for my mum, I did ask her why do you think I am the way I am? She didn't say i turned out to be a doormat, she told me I do stick up for myself, I do love myself and have respect for myself but that I got it from her she thinks that our patience is just a lot longer than others and not quick to judge people. A longer threshold for patience and understanding is not necessarily good or had to have as a personal quality.  Thoughts ?

[Tired11]

I will ask her though what she means by don't be a hero. You can't save everyone and try yourself for a start. It does stick with me because I've always read quotes and I am aware it's a common theme on these threads about trying not to save someone. When does supporting become too much responsibility is the question I ask myself? My friends tell me it doesn't have to be until DV. It can be way before. I did think they were being too judgemental to start with but they also tell me that if I also need to stay clear of trouble. I do enjoy offering help, it does make me feel good about myself and that I'm capable of improving things and I feel a lot of wotth. I am quite sensitive to the needs of others but I am trying not to just feel like my sole purpose in life is to be at service to people just because I'm so passionate about caring about people's feelings and wellbeing for my own happiness too..