Update on how boundary setting went

[SteelGeraniums]

Finally got a chance to talk to my pwBPD last week, and I got through about 2/3 of my written message before she yelled "I knew you were pushing me away!" and hung up. She's called several times since, but on talking to my therapist, I decided to wait until she's out of the hospital to speak with her. I need the space, and as my therapist pointed out, she's been using me as an on-call crisis counselor and therapist. I really want her to turn to the resources she has in the inpatient program she's in. She's been there almost 3 weeks now, and I hope that means she's getting some real help this time.

I think the hardest thing to deal with, other than overcoming the feelings of guilt for not picking up the phone every time she calls, is dealing with the fact that I can't lay out the full reasons that I don't want to have her over right now or want to talk to her in the hospital. It wouldn't help, and it would only set her off more.

[formflier]

Can you share those reasons with us?  For not laying it all out?

Perhaps we can help you craft a message so that you can deliver it...at the appropriate time.

Best,

FF

[Methuen]

I think the hardest thing to deal with, other than overcoming the feelings of guilt for not picking up the phone every time she calls, is dealing with the fact that I can't lay out the full reasons that I don't want to have her over right now or want to talk to her in the hospital. It wouldn't help, and it would only set her off more.

You're right that trying to have a rational conversation would set her off and escalate the situation.  Can you lay out your reasons here?  Many minds working together can perhaps help you find a path through this current crisis . At any rate, let us know how we can best help.

[SteelGeraniums]

I spoke some with my therapist about this too, but it boils down to: how do you tell an emotionally draining person that they're an emotional black hole without hurting them? My therapist suggested focusing on my side of it - explaining how I have limited emotional resources, and I have to prioritize myself and my family first.