Gaslighting

[beatricex]

I have been thinking about gaslighting a lot lately, and wonder if anyone else has any thoughts on the topic. 

People with mental illness seem adept at it.

They love to make others feel as if they're "going crazy."

It is perhaps the hardest thing to put one's finger on because it's So subtle.  At times its almost hard to prove it's even happening.  Wonder if anyone else is being gaslighted and if so, how does this make you feel?

B

[zachira]

You are not alone in having many thoughts about gaslighting and wondering how to understand the sometimes subtle gaslighting. I find my challenge is wanting to see people and experiences in the most positive light, and not wanting to believe I am being gaslighted.

[formflier]

I'd be interested in an example from your relationship.

Best,

FF

[beatricex]

FF,
sure.  My step-daughter has made small but subtle remarks over the past several years about how I'm not part of "her family" (I'm married to her Dad).  Over time, it escalated into her one day demanding that her Dad leave me.  We are still married, of course.

But I can look back and remember the subtle gaslighting.  Like the Thanksgiving she insisted "only our family" be invited because it was weird that one of my relatives wanted to hold her baby the prior Thanksgiving (she made it seem like this is an odd thing because they are not in her family - like holding babies is odd).

The next time I saw my step-daughter, she asked if I wanted to hold her baby.  I felt strange like I was not worthy so declined.  Then, I realized I'd bought into the whole idea that I'm not worthy of holding a baby.  I'm someone defective. 

This is not really funny but is a concrete example.

B   

[jyllis]

Hello. This will be my very first post and I'm so happy to have found this site. My mother in law gas lights constantly. My husband isn't at all aware that it's happening. It's become intolerable and it interferes in our marriage.

[pursuingJoy]

My BPD mother in law is also adept at gaslighting and my H exhibits this behavior when he's backed into a corner. Before I knew them, I'd been through a good deal of counseling and achieved a solid sense of self and confidence. The two of them eroded my confidence over the course of a few years. It took work to get it back. Your comment about not feeling worthy goes to show that gaslighting is a powerful defense mechanism.

the good news is that we can activate mindfulness and combat the effects of gaslighting. I found solid ground in stepping back and limiting time with my MIL, counseling, reading/researching BPD, and listening to feedback from people around me. Regaining my confidence and finding my center was critical. Learning that her behavior probably isn't intentional, but a knee jerk reaction to shame or fear, gave me some compassion for my MIL and it took out some of the sting.

I really like this thread, Harri makes some great points:
 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340101.msg13081554