BPD and gender identity

[Lelly Pop]

My 23 yr old son struggles with  their gender identity as well as emotional dysregulation.S was diagnosed at age 17 with BPD. We are unsure if the gender identity issues led to the development of BPD.Growing up S was bullied at school and was very anxious.S was full of shame and visibly anxious and depressed.We fully supported him when he told us he was gay at 15 and then later when S disclosed they felt female and may be transgendered ,we sought support and linked S to the appropriate therapist as well as an endocrinologist. That was 5 years ago. S still struggles with outbursts and "not knowing who I am" and has not made any decisions re their gender identity and can't cope with school or find a job fearing others  are judging them. There is a lot of self hate and disgust. S says they were traumatized by their childhood and blames us for not being supportive. We were busy with 4 kids-S has 3 older sisters.We tried since the age of 8 -going  to different therapists searching for answers.S couldn't open up and bottled their emotions as a child and we feel suffered complex PTSD. We are at a loss for how to cope with the bad temper and outburst and blame for what we did wrong as parents.S is currently in a DBT group  and weekly therapy-its helpful but often doesn't use the strategies learned.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

welcome!  Great news that your adult child is getting help! 
Sometimes gender identity issues stem from BPD, as this illness makes for a fragile sense of self. 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209415.0
My adult son struggled with from college onward and was in torment despite me being supportive .  He wasn't supportive of himself. I guess he couldn't be. 
Blame , rage are Standard Operating Procedure for BPD unfortunately.   

What has helped me 1. I read up on BPD .  Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good starter . There are other book suggestions in the Library section of this forum.  2. I had my own therapy as well in order to cope.  3. I went to 12 step meetings for family members such as Alanon and Nar anon. These are free and are online; they teach some tricks on how not to get too enmeshed with the BPD illness.  4. I've read things on this forum , such as the topics on the pull down menu .  5. I am slowly realizing that I have the same rights as the sick BPD adult child.

The unfortunate thing is this illness is long and there are no short guaranteed answers.  Lowered expectations helps, and that is sad but true. 
Please feel free to write in.  You can also click on anyone's name here to get their previous posts/ backstories. Know that you are not alone.

[Lelly Pop]

Feel so much support from this site.Such good info and I don’t feel so alone in my grief.