Hi,
I started dating someone at the very beginning of the pandemic. Things have gotten.. pretty bad. I’m trying as hard as I can to make this relationship work, but I’m also feeling exhausted from enduring verbal abuse (on one occasion physical), emotional manipulation, etc.
My partner was physically abused as a kid by her mother who was a Jehova’s Witness and spoke little English. Recently W told me that she thinks her mom has undiagnosed BPD. Over the past couple weeks I’ve read up a bit on BPD, and I honestly feel like this describes a lot of W's behavior toward me.
As far as I know, W has not been diagnosed w/BPD or bipolar or any other kind of personality disorder. She is prescribed antidepressants, although I recently found out that she hasn’t been taking them. She has been in psychoanalysis before, but it’s been at least a year and half since.
I have asked her if she’s considered going to therapy (in the kindest most careful and respectful way I know how), but she responded very antagonistically - “Obviously, why would you even ask me that? You really think I’ve never considered going to therapy?”
We did recently meet with a couples therapist and the first session went surprisingly well. W agreed to seek out her own therapist and also touch base with her pharmacologist. However the second session was much more tense, especially when the therapist pointed out that W was interrupting and being reactive. After it was over, W put on her jacket and said she was going to go home. I told her that I was sorry it was a difficult session and that if she wanted to go home that would be okay, but instead she stuck around and told me that she thought the whole idea of talking to a couple's therapist was a waste of time and that she doesn't think we should do it anymore.
For about 2 weeks now, W has been saying things that I sometimes interpret as her wanting to break up, or her wanting me to break up with her. Stuff like, "I don't think things will work out between us. You're pathetic. You don't know how to talk to me. I deserve better than you. I hope you don't have kids because you'd probably forget about them. I don't like you. You don't treat me well." Usually I respond by saying that I'm sorry she feels that way, and that I believe we can work through these things and that I want to make the relationship work. On a couple of occasions I've tried to be extra clear to her, saying "I think we can work through this, and I don't want to break up with you. You've told me repeatedly that you think this isn't working out; is breaking up something you want to do?" And usually she responds by saying that yes, she is considering it. I try to be kind and to let her know how much I love her, but sometimes it feels as though there's no room for me to say anything. During our 2nd couples therapy session, I mentioned that I try to deescalate things during arguments, and she interrupted me because she couldn't stand that I would narrativize our arguments in a way that paints me as the victim/deescilator and her as the bully. Even when the therapist pointed out that she didn't hear me say that, W was still very upset. I know I'm not perfect, and I have said things that I'm not proud of during our arguments. I try to acknowledge these things and to not describe our dynamic in a reductive or black & white way. However, it feels sometimes that W will hear what she wants to hear - or maybe it would be more accurate to say that she hears what she's afraid of - and then she lashes out.
I'm trying really really hard to be patient and loving, but I'm also beginning to worry that this is more serious than your average rough patch. I'm worried about our relationship, but I'm also increasingly worried for W's well-being. On a couple of occasions she has said that she wants to hurt herself and that she doesn't want to be alive. I know that in high school W cut herself, and I believe there was one serious attempt at taking her own life. If anyone has any advice for me, please reach out. I want to make this relationship work, but I feel like I'm about to collapse.
best, K
