Don’t have BPD diagnosis, but sure sounds like it

[Parents! Get help here!]

Just looking for words of hope or understanding, but advice would be great, too. Struggling w/19yo son living at home w/extreme behaviors. Tried therapeutic boarding school at 14 to restore peace in the home. Limped along doing our best since then.   Attempts to get help from
cops for raging or hospital for suicide threats resulted in both being deemed “not imminent threats”.  After latest multiple-day episode, and no sign of hope of son being open to treatment, we are at the point of saying that if the home contract “peace in the home” rules are broken again, he will need to move out (w/some $ support still for medical, education, transportation) w/use of a restraining order, if necessary.  Feeling terrible that this is where we are at.

[Katie McLady]

Just looking for words of hope or understanding, but advice would be great, too. Struggling w/19yo son living at home w/extreme behaviors. Tried therapeutic boarding school at 14 to restore peace in the home. Limped along doing our best since then.   Attempts to get help from
cops for raging or hospital for suicide threats resulted in both being deemed “not imminent threats”.  After latest multiple-day episode, and no sign of hope of son being open to treatment, we are at the point of saying that if the home contract “peace in the home” rules are broken again, he will need to move out (w/some $ support still for medical, education, transportation) w/use of a restraining order, if necessary.  Feeling terrible that this is where we are at.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome, even though we are sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.  In short ,our journeys seem similar including therapeutic hospital/ group home, etc and ultimately restraining order when he( my adult BPD son) got violent with me  ( you can click on my name to get more of my backstory).  Every boundary I gave him, he crashed through and upped the ante.   At first me calling the cops would sort of make an impact on him.  Until it didn't.  It is very difficult when they are adults and you can't force anything on them.   Up until that point, I was hellbound and determined to save my son until I realized I just couldn't .

What helps:
1. Build up your own network of support  . Coming here is a good start.  I would also add going to your own therapist, and going to 12 step meetings for family members ( like co dependent's anonymous) as they teach keeping the focus on ourselves and not the sick BPD.  The road ahead is going to be hard, but stay strong. 
2. Realize and believe you are as important as your adult child.  ( this was a hard one for me) which is why the COda 12 step meetings are good.
3. While there is also a small possibility your child may "see the light" and obey the boundaries put in place, there is a 50% chance he  won't get help still.  That has been the most incredulous part of this journey- seeing my son make choices I don't comprehend.  But that is ok- I don't have to understand him to live safely and in peace. 
Write back as you are able. This group is here for you.