His reality is different than mine.

[Heart of Sand]

This is my first post. I have a freakish memory, but my "beyond friends" of 5 years is saying things that don't quite add up. We had a falling out way back in 2013. We fell back in 2016. I wasn't great. I cheated on my now ex-husband with him in 2012. I beat myself up for destroying my family and at times I still do. I needed to leave my husband but he was a very nice man that I hurt badly. My "beyond friends" situation bugs me. I'd like to be partners some day but we are in an LDR and we were visiting but corona virus cancelled all of our trips. He is great when I don't question anything he does or says. He resents me for things from a long time ago. Like for having an affair with him, because apparently he was vulnerable from a break up and it caused him to go back in his shell. He thinks I throw things in his face but I do not resent him at all. I bring up things when I feel like he is going to do something that hurt me before because I don't think I'm going to stick around if he does things in this pattern anymore. I want him, but I don't think he likes me as much as he says. He knows me like a book, its classic love bombing and gaslighting possibly. Those are big accusations so I'm not sure. Why would anyone spend 5 years with a woman who ruined his life? He is diagnosed. He's in therapy as well. I have ASD and I have had to really watch out for myself about being manipulated. I thought I could do this, but he is waiting until after he goes to therapy to talk to me. I don't think I am ready to talk to him, he might break up with me or try to smooth it over. I'm not ready for either. Maybe not talking to him will help me feel more sure. Thanks for reading this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[once removed]

you have to first understand that a relationship borne of an affair is not built on a foundation of trust.

thats not a judgment. a lot of members here have found themselves in exactly that situation, and in my own case, i definitely went outside of my relationship in ways i consider inappropriate.

the point is that someone with bpd traits has inherent trust issues, long, long standing trust issues. and hes considering, on some level, the idea that it could happen to him too.

neither of you sound like you are in a position where you trust each other.

what are your thoughts?

[Heart of Sand]

Thank you for answering, admittedly I bristled a bit about the part of him not trusting me, but I think I should ask him. Oddly enough I had never strayed before, we were friends for years. He did end up in bed with a married woman before. I would trust him emotionally and we don't have the kind of commitment in that way that either of us couldn't see someone else. I haven't but he has, and that doesn't bother me if he doesn't do things that seem like he's pulling away or getting very angry with me over silly things. I trust him but I feel like he senses I'm comfortable and sort of starts doing little things. Then I point them out and he explodes on me. Not physically and he never would. We actually took a 3 year break and I thought we were starting fresh. I don't really understand why he wanted me back if theres a trust issue. He's the only one of us that has gone outside of the relationship. I feel like I really could trust him if he could reassure me a little. And not blame me for things that I haven't done. It makes me sad. I don't like anyone else. I would trust him if he wasn't so fickle. I don't know if I can make him feel trusted,  because emotionally I don't feel like there is a lot of accountability.