trying to relate

[Woody59]

My 31yo, highly educated daughter has BPD as well as significant medical problems. It is often difficult to know when her medical complaints are psychological and vice versa. She has been very somatic since childhood and this has been an ongoing issue. She is working now but is having trouble working to her capacity.
While I think her medical concerns are serious, sometimes I feel that she uses her illness as an excuse not  to participate in certain activities or to relate to family. She is very angry about her circumstances and I feel she is projecting some of her feelings onto me. She can be very hostile and provocative and I lose my composure sometimes when confronted repeatedly on the same old things. I don't feel I was a perfect mother but I bent over backwards to get help for her from the time she was 6 yo and had difficulty with other kids. She has a younger sister who she resented from the time she was born and their relationship remains tenuous. It is hard to be with her and the 4 of us together is more stressful.
My BPD daughter triangulates and splits my husband and me . He is much less able to set Limits so there becomes the "good" and "bad" parent. I want to have a relationship but I need more space and cannot contend with her anger

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Welcoming you Woody59

I remember way back when...our daughter was 12 and running away.  Our dog had a tendency to do the same.   I so wanted my turn!  I certainly hope when you write..."I need more space"...that you don't feel guilty when you have those thoughts.  Dealing with these difficult people who share our lives can be overwhelming...suck the air right out of us.

So now you are here and, in my opinion, a good thing.  I imagine you have spent some time reading the posts of others and you can see similarities.  You are not alone in your troubles.  In reading yours I do relate to much.

One of the first things I needed to realize was that any move towards positive change and a better life for me had to start with me  I had to learn not to react to those little/big explosions of hers.  I had to put into perspective what was my problem...her problem.  I had to learn that I was not the cause of hers no matter how much she tried to shoulder them on me.  I am now, and always have been, the best Mom I know how to be.  When I learn better...I do better.  I am a work-in-progress.

There are many words of wisdom written in this forum.  Sometimes it takes reading a different phrasing to get the point across.  A few days ago I was reading another member's take on setting boundaries.  She said the boundaries were as much for our well-being as they were for trying to help our children learn to rein in.

Oh, and the problem you find with your daughter working on triangulating and splitting you and your husband?...boy do I relate to that one!  A recent caustic email from our daughter to me included the statement that the only reason we were still together was that her father (my husband of 58 years) was honouring his marriage vows.  Ouch, huh?

This can be a long and tedious journey but it can get better.  First of all you get rid of all those dreams of what you would want life to be with/for her.  Instead you look in the eye what is...IS...and slowly but surely start making changes.  One biggie for me was learning not to J-A-D-E (Justify-Argue-Defend-Explain) when a conversation with her turned into a confrontation.  She expected some or all of that from me and when it didn't happen...she lost the wind for her sails.  Now, that is not to say you have to stay silent but you learn different ways to respond...to validate her feelings...move on.

Hope you keep sharing.  The support is here as you work towards a better future for you...for your daughter...for the whole family.

Huat

[Woody59]

thank you!

[Michelle-drained]

I feel the same! For me the book “ stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” has helped the most. In general, we have to stop caretaking them, and walk away when they are trying to engage in unfair conversation. One therapist ignored the BPds “Whys” and demands, and kept asking the BPD what are YOU afraid of. Talk to their fears, you don’t answer to them. Our home, our rules.  Do your best to get out of the crazy.