Help maintaining a friendship with a BPD

[Cass1979]

Hello BPD Family!

This forum is kind of a last resort for me...maybe it should have been my first resort, idk.  I have a friend who has BPD and I do not know how much longer I can maintain the friendship.  I know a lot about her and her past and have done quite a bit of research and reading to understand her condition, triggers, etc. so I am well versed in the disease.  I have empathy for her and let a lot go that I would not otherwise let go b/c of that, but I am tired of always feeling like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't in the instances were I do not feel it is okay not to speak up.  I feel like I have 2 choices at this point, take anything and everything and keep my mouth shut about it (which is obviously super unhealthy for me), or walk away from the friendship.  It does not matter what I say, or how I say it, if I try to address situations in which she has done something that was hurtful to me, it never leads to resolution.  She only ends up upset and I get hurt a second time. I know that guilt is a huge issue with people who have BPD, but it is almost impossible to avoid that entirely when trying to talk to a BPD about things that they are doing that are wrong or hurtful to other people.  My goal is never to make her feel bad or guilty, but it seems impossible to avoid.  And the thing is, I'm not even necessarily looking for an apology, I'm just looking for a recognition and acknowledgment that she understands that her behavior is hurtful, but I can't even get that, usually she just twists and warps things in an effort to act life she did nothing, sometimes even turns things around on me.  Over the course of our friendship I have apologized over and over for things that I should not have had to apologize for just to keep the peace and keep the friendship from falling apart.  You could count the number of times she has apologized to me on half a hand.  I am always the one to reach out when we have a disagreement about something (which is usually her doing something that is hurtful to me or just wrong), to try and smooth things over.  The sad things is, as much as I do not want to lose the friendship, b/c it is real, I know in my heart that would be harder for her than me.  I know she will likely have strained relations her entire life, will have many people walk out b/c it is too hard, I don't want to be one of them too, but I just don't know how much longer I can do this, something has to give!  She is an individual who is very impulsive, will always make a decision that will get her what she wants in the short term, even if she knows in the back of her mind that it might be a bad decision in the long term, even if it screws over other people in her life.  She is smart and she says things to me that lets me know she is aware of what she is doing, but she almost always does it anyway.  It is hard to watch that, it is hard to be on the receiving end of that!  And while I know that I cannot make decisions for her, she has to learn from her mistakes, etc. etc. there can often be a lot at stake that makes that approach more complicated that just saying "oh well, not my problem".  When you are talking about someone making poor relationship decisions that you know in your gut might to lead to a potential bad marriage, that is no joke.  That's not like, "oh you shouldn't spend $300 on that dress you can't afford".  Sometimes it is irresponsible to do or say nothing when it is big time life decisions that have the potential to impact the health and happiness and mental stability of this person (as well as others) far into the future!  Idk, I need advice on how to successfully make this a healthy friendship for both of us.  In all of the literature practical, practicable advice is THE ONE thing that is lacking the most! Thank you in advance for any and all advice and tips!   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[schwing]

Hi Cass1979 and

Do you understand what you are getting out of the friendship?  Friendships are a choice.  They aren't like family where you are born into them.  And there are no legal obligations to being friends. I figure, as long as both sides are "getting" something out of it, then seems alright to be friends. I think I can guess what your BPD loved one is getting out of the friendship with you, what benefits are you receiving?

I feel like I have 2 choices at this point, take anything and everything and keep my mouth shut about it (which is obviously super unhealthy for me), or walk away from the friendship.

Either my way or the highway... that sounds very black and white.  Doesn't seem like much of a choice.

And the thing is, I'm not even necessarily looking for an apology, I'm just looking for a recognition and acknowledgment that she understands that her behavior is hurtful, but I can't even get that, usually she just twists and warps things in an effort to act life she did nothing, sometimes even turns things around on me.

It may be that her BPD condition precludes her from being able to see that her behavior is hurtful to you.  Her own (disordered) feelings take priority over what you are experiencing.  It sounds to me that you would appreciate having a friend who can validate your feelings.  Your BPD friend may not be able to do this for you.

Over the course of our friendship I have apologized over and over for things that I should not have had to apologize for just to keep the peace and keep the friendship from falling apart.  You could count the number of times she has apologized to me on half a hand.  

Are you hoping that maybe your BPD friend will take turns apologizing?  I don't think this is ever going to happen.  Or if it does, it won't last beyond her immediate fear of abandonment.

The sad things is, as much as I do not want to lose the friendship, b/c it is real, I know in my heart that would be harder for her than me.  I know she will likely have strained relations her entire life, will have many people walk out b/c it is too hard, I don't want to be one of them too, but I just don't know how much longer I can do this, something has to give!  

What makes your friendship real?  Do your (and her) feelings make it real?  Or do your (and her) actions make it real?  Do not underestimate the ability of someone with BPD to take care of themselves; they are very good survivors.

I have had my share of BPD friendships.  And in the long run every single one of them petered out.  I was "friends" with one since middle school; and the last several significant times we interacted was mostly me supporting her through some difficult times. The minute I realized that I was almost always putting in more effort into these BPD friendships, and started investing more time/effort into other non BPD friendships that had more healthy boundaries and more rewarding reciprocity, then it became apparent my BPD friendships were pretty bad arrangements.

But I grew up around a lot of BPD behaviors and that was what was comfortable and familiar to me for a long time in my life. The thing is, as long as there was something I still had to learn through my friendships about my familial relationships, I still had something to gain in having these kinds of friendships.

Please, for your sake, figure out what you need to learn.  For every effort you put into trying to understand your BPD friend's issues, try to spend an equal amount of effort understanding why you feel this attachment towards her.  Whether you pull the bandaid off quickly or slowly, either way it's still going to hurt.

Best wishes,

Schwing