Ending a cycle of heartbreak and broken family

[mySISTERnKID]

BPD has run in my family for generations. I grew up with an older sister with BPD, and now that we are grown we no longer have a relationship.

My daughter is 9 years old, and she is a lot like my sister. Given the strong hereditary prevalence of BPD, it is apparent to me that she is suffering and has been since toddlerhood. And if you're reading this you know that if she suffers, everyone suffers.

She is now distance learning at home due to COVID. She's on a meltdown cycle of about every 20 minutes. She has a 6 year old brother, also distance learning.

She has never taken instruction from her parents, any correction is perceived as judgment, that sends her into a rage/shame spiral. She's depriving herself of food now, because she's "so depressed and wants to starve." This is day 2. Like, only the 2nd day. So I'm pretty much just shutting down. I'm paralyzed in the middle of frustration, grief for my daughter's suffering, fear for her future, guilt for my son's present, and my anger at the unfairness of it all. Because I got out, I got away. I had to in order to care for my own traumatized child self. I grew up and curated my own, safe, environment. But here I am again, constantly in the midst of the bickers and screams, of cruel accusations, the slamming door, and suffocating tension.

I do have the advantage of experience, and an awareness of BPD that my mother didn't have when we were young. It also makes it that much harder when my daughter pulls away. I feel that much sadder if I flinch when she clings to me. Because I know what's at stake. I've seen this play out. And I'm terrified.

Psychotherapy has not been effective. The therapists we have accessed do not take the BPD seriously because it isn't diagnosed in children. And we can't really afford the therapy anyway. Teachers and school counselors have done what they can for the emotional dysregulation, but due to the stigma we haven't discussed
BPD with our education community. They haven't witnessed this behavior as she is very well behaved at school, and we don't want to poison the well for her as there is still so much stigma.

So, that's where we are.

Hello.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome.
 Here is something to peruse through:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

I am glad your daughter is holding it together in school. 
It is true many psych are loath to diagnose Borderline in minor children due to brain growth and changes, upcoming hormonal shifts, etc...

One idea is your local crisis line could offer lists of therapists on a sliding scale payment .
You also need to take care of you during this.  One thing that has helped that is free are online 12 step program meetings for families.  Codependents anonymous has been of help as it keeps focus on us, and also teaches detachment/ not allowing ourselves to get too devastated over our children's reactions and actions.  It also helps with the terror .  Please write back as you are able. You are among kindred spirits here. 

[formflier]

Certainly I would want to know more details before giving specific advice.  There are some broad truths to consider.

If you can't find a therapist that fits well with your child, perhaps you can find one for you or one that supports the entire family. 

While changing our reactions/responses to BPD doesn't "fix" BPD, in many cases it can reduce the "suffering" that the rest of the family experiences.  (and yes...we know what you mean by suffer... )

Last (for now):  I have to wonder if "shutting down" and "withdrawing" is a helpful response to the rages.  Have you considered that "getting you to go away" might what the child is after?    How do you think you could sort this out?

Best,

FF

[Michelle-drained]

Have you tried EMDR therapy? Research shows it works better than talk therapy.

[missymoo]

Friend, there is nothing you can do if genetically your daughter has a personality disorder, no different than Autism really. It's not fixable - BUT YOU ARE.
I raised a daughter who is now in her 30's and the has BPD. We do not speak.
All you can do is protect yourself emotionally so you learn to judge the source and not the comment.
It's not you - it is her.
missymoo