adult child estranged

[carole57]

Hello, My adult BPD adult daughter has cut me off. This is not the first time, its still very difficult, but this is the first time I am attempting to take care of me. I've been doing a lot of reading and trying to learn coping skills. My dilemma now is the holidays are upon us and her birthday is shortly there after. my heart says to reach out with at least a card but my head says NO. A part of me feels it is up to her to come to me, although I know she never will. Ive always been the one to reach out. I just want her to know that I still love her very much and I'll never give up on her. I'd love some advice, comments, suggestions etc...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HurtBrooklyn]

carole57, Hello:  I also have an adult daughter who has banished me from her life. I missed her birthday and Thanksgiving.  I, too, was torn about respecting her boundaries, but wanting to let her know I cared. I did a lot of reading and finally decided to text her a very simple message that did not in any way require her to respond. I said something like, I respect your boundaries. I want you to know we love you and miss you. I received no response whatsoever.  Her lack of response was not unexpected.
I've decided to contact her in a similar way every few weeks or so. But, I will always have to brace myself for whatever she throws back at me, because it literally could be anything.  What response to you expect to receive after you contact her?
Good luck.  It's a very painful place to be.

[beatricex]

Hi carole57,
We are in the same situation except my stepdaugther has two children with birthdays around Christmas.  At first my husband was planning on sending the grandkids presents (both Christmas and birthday presents all at once).  After a long discussion about how she might send them back...and/or "file for harrassment" as she indicated she would do if we contacted her, I convinced him to let her come to us.

I said, this is a mental illness, she needs to feel like she's in control and we need to respect her wishes.  Let her make the first move.

I reminded him that my own Mom cut me and my siblings off from my grandmother for three years and I have a memory of her coming to our house.  I was playing in the front yard, and she hugged me so hard and cried and told me I was a good girl.  I asked if she wanted me to go get one of my brothers (the oldest and her favorite) and she said no.  She disappeared and left me with a bag of presents.  My mom couldn't return them because I had them, at only 8 years old.

   of course you will never give up on her, but this is a marathon not a sprint.  unfortunately, time is the only thing (if anything), I believe, that heals the hurt

b

[Tucus]

I am experiencing the exact same thing and the same emotions...not sure what the answer is...desperate for her to get help, but she is in control at the moment...so worried about her welfare but helpless to do anything.  If she does reach out, I will be there but still need to protect myself as well...

[carole57]

Thank you all for responding and I also am so sorry for the pain you are going through. This situation of mine is a bit unique. My daughter lives with my elderly parents and barely speaks to them either, only what is necessary. Yes they enable her but they are set in there ways and as unhappy as they are, they allow her to do as she pleases. My parents and I are very close and I visit them frequently. This makes it difficult knowing she's locked in the next room, but I still respect her boundaries and do not attempt to speak to her. I figure she knows I am there and she will come out and talk to me when she is ready...if ever. My heart is telling me to at least drop her a card ( especially with holidays upon us and her b-day the following month),since she has blocked my number and on all social media. Its so hard and I feel so torn...

[Swimmy55]

Hi and welcome.
You are not alone.  I am also dealing with estrangement from my adult son.  Here is a post that may help:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296973.0

It is my own opinion that our BPD kids instinctively feel we love them  and deep down inside they know.