Ex broke no contact again (2.5 years out)

[oofheregoes]

I'm not sure I'm in the right section of this site, happy to move it if I am.

My ex, who I asked for no contact from, emailed me (again). First time was 2 months out and was an "apology for everything." This time was 2.5 years out and a kind of apology, but then also "you hurt me too. Here's what a transformative justice community accountability process is."

I'm still terrified of being in contact with them. Mostly because of how much they lied. I feel like I can't trust a single word they say. And more than that, I'm scared to go places they might be - in person or online, because of what they might say (aka lie) to other people about me. It's felt like anything they touched I got iced out of. I don't want to keep loosing aspects of my life that are important to me.

So I'm sad and scared that they contacted me. But part of me is also wondering, could it be possible that I could get confirmation that they'd stop doing the things that could still hurt me? On the one hand I feel stupid for even thinking that they'd be trustworthy if they lied constantly when I knew them. But the point of community accountability that they asked for is that it's part of the community. I don't trust their word at all, but if they had to say it in front of the people they would lie to about me... does that help at all? Stopping harm is a prerequisite for these community accountability processes. For me step 1 is knowing that if I run into them (after covid or online) that they'll leave me alone. I would ask/require that they use an intermediary instead of contacting me directly.

Is this a totally ridiculous idea? My partner has had a job for 10 years and it just so happens to be in an office 500 yards from my ex's relatively new job. I go to my partner's office all the time (non-covid). I'm constantly terrified of running into my ex. I wear huge sunglasses, pull up my hoodie or wear big floppy hats. I want to just be able to walk down the sidewalk without having a panic attack. Anyone have any ideas of how best to do that?

[khibomsis]

Oof, that must have been some kind of relationship! To be still afraid 2.5 years later is quite an indication of how bad it must have been. I feel for you.  
There is an existing community accountability justice process,it is called a restraining order. Get one. If there are things about the past you need to lay to rest, therapy is a more appropriate place. Do not get caught in your exe's wiles. Tell yourself "not my circus not my monkeys." You will be surprised how well this works.
Have you talked to your current partner about this,?

[oofheregoes]

Oof, that must have been some kind of relationship! To be still afraid 2.5 years later is quite an indication of how bad it must have been. I feel for you.  
There is an existing community accountability justice process,it is called a restraining order. Get one. If there are things about the past you need to lay to rest, therapy is a more appropriate place. Do not get caught in your exe's wiles. Tell yourself "not my circus not my monkeys." You will be surprised how well this works.
Have you talked to your current partner about this,?

I have talked to my current partner about this. I think the main reason I'm so scared is it feels like a lot of the damage can still happen. The foundation for most of it was lying, which impacted a lot of things. What I'm worried about now is the repeated pattern of saying nice things to me (to win me over) and then terrible things about me to everyone else to deflect blame away from themself. Even if they stop the gaslighting, and don't say nice things to me, they can still lie about me to anyone who interacts with both of us. We don't overlap that much, but we have enough overlap for their new instagram to come up as a recommended person to follow - which feels wayyyy to close for me. Them recommending transformative justices practices now makes me worried that all the workshops, that I'd been going to before covid, might be somewhere I'd run into them.

As tempting as a restraining order might be, I don't think it would effectively get them to stop talking about me. I used to do PR for an organization I helped start, but now I don't participate for fear that they'll try to publicly try to drag me for being "manipulative" or "guilt tripping them" with out of context, spun, exaggerations, of me setting boundaries. Where then defending myself usually only results in throwing gasoline on the fire instead of helping at all. I just want them to forget I ever existed.

[khibomsis]

Oof, I understand that all this feels overwhelming.  One can only speculate how much drama there must have been for you to still live in fear all these years later.
It is good that you and your partner are communicating. What is her stance on this? The reason I mention this is because the emotional energy you spend fearing your ex is emotional  energy  not spent on your current relationship.  The situation needs to be handled carefully so as not to cause distress in what you have now. The reason why I am hesitant  about a community accountability process is because it would feed the BPD energy , whereas what you want to be doing is to starve it.
Seeing as you appear stuck in some form of interaction  you might want to have a look at some of the tools on this site about how to engage with pwBPD, especially not JADEing.
Exes are always a complex terrain to navigate and nowhere more so than with BPD. But if you want her to leave you alone the way to do it is not to engage in a process that will give her more attention. Your thoughts?

[once removed]

two people will rarely agree on how a broken relationship transpired.

one or both people will suffer over that.

2+ years later, its really unlikely for both of you to come to similar terms, and probably best not to try. it sounds like youre not interested in him seeing your perspective, and id encourage you, at least in terms of directly engaging, to decline to see his.

at the same time, it sounds like you both have held onto your hurts and that this has not been let go of for either of you.

i dont think that seeking accountability or public affirmations is likely to resolve that for you.

so, what is?