Hi all,
I'm puzzled about a part of the situationship dynamics with my uBDP-partner or uBDP-ex (hard to say, depending on the mood of the day), that frustrates me to no end.
In short, it's this: while I keep on fighting, fighting and fighting (for her, for our relationship), I always get the feeling that my uBDP has zero fear of losing me. And this leads to a very toxic dynamic that leads me to 'lose' every conflict we are in.
Some examples:
A) Whenever she does something wrong that really hurts me, and I rightfully speak up, she immediately goes into a child-like sadness where she states "oh no... I'm so sad... Now our relationship is damaged beyond repair... That means there is no future for us anymore..."
Predictably this has me going into a "no don't say that, I still love you, we are still a beautiful combination, we can deal with this" type of reaction. In other words: she harms me, and immediately abandons all hope, I swoop in to defend our relationship and say that everything is still okay, that this one thing doesn't destroy all that we stand for.
Obviously, this means that her behaviour is not addressed, I don't get a true apology or sense that she's willing to change and fight for us. She messes up and gives up, and as a result I step up the efforts I put into the relationship, and am not consoled for the hurt she caused me.
B) Another variation: whenever I do try to set my boundaries and call her out on her actions, her go-to reaction is always "you are right... I did treat you badly... I should just bear the consequences and leave you alone..."
The main theme is a sort of "when you call me out on how I treat you badly I will give up the relationship without even blinking." Of course this makes me feel like
PLEASE READ. Because there's no making amends on her side, and because it makes me feel like our relationship means so little to her, that she's willing to let go so easily.
And in the end, of course it just enables her to keep on doing what she does. Because ultimately I will always forgive and fight a little bit harder - even though she's the one hurting me, and who should be fighting harder. But she never does.
C) Situations where she knows a certain occurence is super-important to me, and would sort of prove her commitment in some way, and she always bails at the last moment. The sort of thing where she should know: if I mess this up, it's going to be a biiiig breach of trust. And then she messes it up, and comes up with a big sob story of intense emotions, about how she just couldn't do it. About big stress, big sadness, big big emotions. Bigger than mine, you could say. Which immediately puts you in a position where you're kind of forced to be understanding. Even though in the big scheme of things, you're the one being hurt and disappointed, time and time again.
D) edit, I forgot this one: things are volatile of course, so 'small break ups' occur. Whenever she says "this is it, I don't want to hear you anymore, things are DONE." she always pops back into my life a couple of days later, or I respond that I really don't want to lose her. However, when I say something like this, she really disappears. Not a single reaction - making me feel like I'm worth nothing to her of course. When I then predictably stumble, reconnect and ask why she didn't respond at all, her hard-to-find-fault excuse is always "well, you said you didn't want to hear from me anymore so I wanted to respect your wishes." Somehow it doesn't feel like respecting my wishes (as this is the only situation where she does so), but more like a power-struggle, like "So you're pushing me away? Okay then, see how it feels when I don't respond at all, ever."
Does this sound familiar to anyone? This type of conflicts where you feel that no matter what happens, you always lose? And even worse, you're even the one that ends up making more of an effort than before, as crazy and unfair as it sounds.
Summed up briefly: the kind of stuff where your only options are 'accepting her
PLEASE READ' or breaking off the relationship. And because the isolated incidents are always just too small to break up, you stay and give up on the consolation you actually deserve.
Somehow it feels extremely manipulative... And it rots your soul to always feel that she's one inch away from breaking up in a big show of tears, because "she realises she's not treating you right, and maybe you are better of alone, deserve someone who is more stable..."
Thanks for any insights / shared experiences.
T
p.s. by the way, this is puzzling, because although she's undiagnosed, she is (quiet) borderline to the max. And I always expect her fear of abandonment would cause her to come through with big big gestures and promises, to keep me from leaving, but no... It's as if she's willing to wrap up everything without even thinking about it, as soon as she hurts me and I speak up about it.
