Pretty serious, need thoughts on this

[Carguy]

So this is the story for those who don't know. My ex BPD and I have separated and recycled several times in the last 5 years. After 9 months apart we got back together last August.

During this time she friended me on Facebook again. After she did I noticed this guy kept hearting her stuff and a few things. I could tell he was kind of after her. I didn't say anything and eventually she brought it to my attention. It was making her uncomfortable.. It got really weird when he tried to friend me on Facebook and then he was asking her what to get her, her kids, and I for Christmas. He was chasing after her and yet trying to friend me and buy presents. Weird.

Anyhow, a few weeks later she told me he came through her line that she was working at Walmart. She told me that she told him that if things didn't work out between her and I. They would still not get together.

 in November she starts pushing me away and then gets upset at me and breaks up with me. A week and a half later I stopped by her apartment on her lunch break and knock on the door and he is there with her. I was upset and let her know it. I blocked her on Facebook for the first time and unfollowed her on another app. She was angry with me and told me she was completely done. I told her sounds good.

I guess she has been seeing this guy and I recently found out that he was convicted of two counts of second-degree felony child molestation. She has a young daughter age 10 and a young son age eight. I am concerned for these kids. I don't know if she knows this. I don't dare say anything because even though it would please me to see them break up because I am hurt, if I said anything it would look like I did this to cause problems. I'll admit, I was upset and Googled the guy out of curiosity when that popped up. She would probably wonder how I knew this and I don't think I really want to admit that as well. I am concerned for the kids though.

I would like to hear thoughts on this.

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[kells76]

Hey Carguy, I'm over here from Family Law.

Do you have a counselor/therapist that you see? Or a minister/pastor/spiritual advisor?

I ask because all of those roles are "mandatory reporters" as far as I know. That means, if they hear about child abuse, they MUST report it to the proper authorities.

I'd recommend getting feedback from a mandatory reporter about how to move forward with the info you have.

You can also search online for mandatory reporter laws for your state. Those should tell you (a) if there are more professions/jobs that are "mandatory reporter" jobs in your state (so it broadens the pool of people you can ask for advice), and (b) if YOU have to do anything legally.

...

Are you on "speaking terms" with anyone who is on "speaking terms" with her? I.e., do you still have any kind of connection with any of her friends or family members, with whom she is on OK terms and would hear what they have to say? If it were me, I'd also try that angle. Find someone you think she'd listen to, who also listens to you, and share that info with them. Maybe frame it as "This is an awkward position I'm in, but because there are kids involved, I needed to reach out. Would you be willing to share this information with her? I don't know if she knows, and I'm concerned for the kids."

This is hard stuff, and I'm glad you're reaching out for help to care for those kids.

kells76

[Carguy]

Kells, I sent you a P.M.

As far as friends, she doesn't really have any close friends. Most of them are distant friends and I really don't know them. The only family she has here is her dad and they are not on speaking terms.

I went into Walmart last night to do some grocery shopping and when I went to self check-out she was running it. I walked through to the first one that opened up which happened to be directly in front of where she was standing. While I was checking out I glanced over a few times and she was making sure to be looking off to the right or off to the left and avoiding looking at me at all. This is where we are at again. She is very angry at me. Part of me is wondering if maybe I should just stop by her place or wait for her at lunch and tell her I really need to talk to her. Tell her this is not about us but I am trying to have her and the kids backs. Let her know that I have not told anybody else this and I won't. Tell her that I don't know if she knows this but her boyfriend has this in his history. Tell her that I just want her to know so she can take any necessary precautions.

I honestly don't know how she will react to me saying anything to her. In the past it has always been negative but they were not serious matters like this. It makes me really nervous to even think about saying anything to her.

What do you think guys? Thoughts on this?

[kells76]

Hey carguy, got the PM -- thanks for the heads up.

It's tricky when there are two goals running in parallel and all mixed up with each other. I'm seeing that you're here on "bettering" and wanting to work on things with her (if I'm tracking correctly). At the same time, you are concerned for the kids' safety. A big hurdle for you in sharing this info with her is how she may react.

Is that close?

I would recommend that you make an anonymous call to DCFS (or whatever the dept of child services is called in your area) and describe the exact scenario to them: You stumbled across some info about your ex's new BF -- he has felony molestation convictions in another state -- and you know your ex has young children. You are concerned she won't listen to you, and you're not sure how to proceed to keep the kids safe. You don't even know if abuse is happening, but you also don't want to have this info but not act in time.

You can even frame it to them more briefly as "If I found out that someone with a felony abuse conviction in another state is around minors in this state, what should I do?"

Like I mentioned in the PM, you may actually be a mandatory reporter. So, as scary as it may sound, you might be required to make the DCFS call. I believe you can stay anonymous.

That would put the kids' safety as the #1 priority, without you having to worry about her response to you directly.

I really want to encourage you to follow through on that call.

kells76

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Carguy:
Sharing a little different POW.

What are the actual charges: i.e.
    LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH A CHILD UNDER 14 YEARS OF AGE
    ANNOY OR MOLEST CHILD UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE
    CONTINUOUS SEXUAL ABUSE OF CHILD

What is the year of conviction/release?

In my opinion, you need to notify your ex, before notifying others.  The best way would be to print out the report from the National Sex Registry (that includes their photo, description and the definition of the offenses), and mail it to her by snail mail.  

She will figure it out that you did a background check on her boyfriend, so just be upfront about it and say so.  You might want to explain that you want the best for her & you wanted to make sure that her new boyfriend is a good guy, without baggage for her or the children. Since you discovered the offenses, you felt a duty to inform her, as you were concerned for her children's safety.

I suspect that no one wants a surprised visit from DCPS or authorities.  I'm wondering if there would be any coming back from that (as far as getting back together at any time in the future).  I think most women would be more upset with surprise visits from authorities. I'm thinking that you informing her & her knowing you are the informer is the better option.

If he is required to report his address to a sex abuser registry (and his address isn't current), then you should advise the local police of his current address & they will do what they need to do to get him identified and make sure he complies with any current restrictions he should be complying with. I'd advise her in writing first (with proof), then wait for a week or two & then advise the police (or perhaps an anonymous tip)

I'm wondering if you are stalking your ex?  Showing up at an ex's workplace doesn't make the heart grow fonder.  It's likely the reverse. Unless you live in a very rural area, I'm thinking you have other places to shop.  Be cautious, or you might end up with her getting a restraining order against you.  Absence can make the heart grow fonder, give her some space.

[Carguy]

Nibbler,

Thank you for the response. I agree with you on the DCFS route. Honestly I don't want to cause trouble for her. I do care about her as well as her kids. I also know that if I went that route and she found out it was me that there would be no coming back from that. Yes, I would like things between us to improve.

Looking at the registry in our state it just said that he was convicted in another state second degree felony child molestation. The first site I seen it on originally showed two counts of that. The conviction date showed 2013 or 2014.

I also seen that in our state it says protected areas he cannot go includes schools, daycares, public swimming pools, public parks, and public playgrounds.

As far as the address being current, it could be. It shows him living in another town in our area. I'm not sure if he is living at that address or not though.

As far as showing up at her workplace, we actually do live in a rural area. The town we live in has two grocery stores and I have shopped at both. I prefer Walmart because they have a lot better selection and lower prices. The other grocery store in that town is rather small and more expensive. They also don't carry some items I purchase. That town is basically the shopping center for our entire County.

I will be honest however, I have stalked her a little but when I went in the grocery store it really was to get some items.

My counselor has advised me to give her space and distant and quit talking to her again. A year ago when she was so cold and angry towards me I finally did that for a few months. When I would talk to her before she would just respond real angry and cold to me. After I did that for a while when I did see her again I talked to her she was a lot more open to talking and we work things out. I believe that is what I need to do again. That's what I was going to do until all this came up.

I have noticed some peculiar behavior from her as well though. A year ago when we were apart I noticed a few times that she popped up in some odd areas unexpectedly like she was trying to stay in my view.

The other day I stopped to get something to eat at a fast-food spot and parked in the parking lot facing the road. While eating I seen her drive by and go down the street and turn into Walmart. A minute later I looked out my side window and seen her coming through the petroleum company parking lot next to me. She turned into Walmart a few blocks down and then basically took the back road over to the restaurant coming out on my left just a little bit behind my car. She went got in line and I decided to leave. As I was going down the road I could see she was coming around the building to go by where I was parked instead of turning to the right and going out on the next street over. I have to question if she doesn't stalk me a little too.

I have thought about printing it too and somehow getting it to her as well. She has told me several times that she doesn't feel like anybody has her back. Including me. Honestly I do want to have her back. I want to make sure those kids are safe and I don't want to see her get herself in a bad position with this guy. Her ex-husband and her have frequent conflicts and if he found out I know he would cause her a lot of problems. He would likely take her right into court. I honestly would like to let her know so she is aware. I'm not really sure that she knows this guy's background.

[Carguy]

Ok so I went back and looked at the number on the offense and Google it. The state he was convicted in defines it like this:

Child molestation in the second degree.
(1) A person is guilty of child molestation in the second degree when the person has, or knowingly causes another person under the age of eighteen to have, sexual contact with another who is at least twelve years old but less than fourteen years old and not married to the perpetrator and the perpetrator is at least thirty-six months older than the victim.
(2) Child molestation in the second degree is a class B felony.

So the way I understand this, it sounds like he didn't actually molest a kid but rather he had one underage kid have sex with a younger underage kid. That's still not right and I think is still a concern for him being around her kids. With this information what do you guys think?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Looking at the registry in our state it just said that he was convicted in another state second degree felony child molestation. The first site I seen it on originally showed two counts of that. The conviction date showed 2013 or 2014.       

Try the National database at the link below.  Your state (or the state he appears in) may align with that database.  Perhaps it might have something extra to offer:
https://www.nsopw.gov/

I also seen that in our state it says protected areas he cannot go includes schools, daycares, public swimming pools, public parks, and public playgrounds.     

Tier II requires offenders to register for 25 years and have to appear in person every six months to verify registration.  Are his offenses Tier II?

If his current address references a city in your State (and not very far from your city), then he has likely updated his location.

My counselor has advised me to give her space and distant and quit talking to her again. A year ago when she was so cold and angry towards me I finally did that for a few months. When I would talk to her before she would just respond real angry and cold to me. After I did that for a while when I did see her again I talked to her she was a lot more open to talking and we work things out.     

So consider sending the letter & a copy of her boyfriend's profile from the Sex Offender's Registry, then give her some space. Give her some time, to hopefully sort things out & dump the boyfriend. Let her come to you.

If she doesn't dump the boyfriend, then you might consider other notification options.  From what you say about her ex-husband, I don't think she would chance staying in a relationship with the new guy.  Hopefully, she is able to make a wise and spontaneous decision to dump him immediately, and not take any chances.

I have thought about printing it too and somehow getting it to her as well. She has told me several times that she doesn't feel like anybody has her back. Including me. Honestly I do want to have her back. I want to make sure those kids are safe and I don't want to see her get herself in a bad position with this guy.     

I don't think you have much to lose by informing her.  If you don't do it, and something happens to the children, I don't think you could live with that.  I think you will end up respecting yourself more by just owing up to checking the boyfriend out & sharing the info. (with evidence).  At least that way you know she is informed and you don't have to worry about whether some tip given to some government agency is followed up on or not (or how long it might take).  It could take the immediate weight off your shoulders. 

If she appreciates your efforts, she may eventually come back to you (at her speed, when she might be ready).  If not, you can feel proud of yourself for doing what needed to be done.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Ok so I went back and looked at the number on the offense and Google it. The state he was convicted in defines it like this:

Child molestation in the second degree.
(1) A person is guilty of child molestation in the second degree when the person has, or knowingly causes another person under the age of eighteen to have, sexual contact with another who is at least twelve years old but less than fourteen years old and not married to the perpetrator and the perpetrator is at least thirty-six months older than the victim.
(2) Child molestation in the second degree is a class B felony.

One variable I read is "if the person has" (perpetrator has sexual contact).  So, if the perpetrator is 3 years older than the victim, and the victim is at least 12, but less than 14, everyone involved could be underage.  i.e. perpetrator is 17 and the victim is 13 or maybe close to 14.  If he was underage at the time, then I see it as less of an issue.  If he was 18 or 19, I guess he was leaning towards being stupid.  If he was in his 20's at the time, or older, then he could be a threat to a young teen girl.

I'm thinking it would be good that your ex becomes aware of the situation.  It needs to be clarified.  His age at the time of the event (s) needs to be clarified. Was he just being young and stupid, or was he way older and too attracted to young teens.

[Carguy]

Hmmmm good point! I didn't read it like that. Okay, so I went back and looked at the conviction date. He was convicted in June of 2013. Looking at his date of birth that would mean he was convicted at the age of 30. If it would have happened in his teens or early twenties wouldn't the statute of limitations have ran out by then? If this is the case that he was the perpetrator then the dates I would think would likely put him in his mid-to-late twenties when it happened?

I questioned the statute of limitations because my ex-wife was molested by her stepfather and they were only able to get him on the molesting of her younger sister. The molesting had stopped with her a few years earlier. That's what she told me, that they only got him on her younger sisters abuse because of that.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Carguy:

If this is the case that he was the perpetrator then the dates I would think would likely put him in his mid-to-late twenties when it happened?  

The age difference is troubling, and a problem, as I see it. In your ex's situation, he could be presented with another opportunity, with her young daughter or son (depending on his attractions).  Your ex needs to know.

Although her boyfriend may not have had a repeat, since 2013, if he is presented with an opportunity to reoffend (home alone with the one or both of the children).  I don't think those type of sexual attractions go away.

He was convicted in June of 2013. Looking at his date of birth that would mean he was convicted at the age of 30  

I read that Tier II offenders have to register for 25 years.

You might want to think it over for a few days.  My vote is that she needs to know.  It's good that you now have more specific information.  It would be good to give her the website addresses, along with printouts, so that she can verify things for herself.

[Carguy]

Ok so update.

This morning I decided to stop by her apartment before work and talk to her. She was actually pretty decent and let me in to talk. I told her that what I was about to tell her was because I care about her and the kids and I want her to know. I told her about his past and she told me that she already knows. He had told her. It sounded like she started to tear up a little when I told her. Not sure.

After that the conversation went a little bit into discussing our relationship and the things that went wrong. A few times during this part of the conversation she said that even if they (her and this guy) were together...

It sounds like they are not together but I am 100% sure that he is pursuing her. She maybe seeing where things are going or just trying to be friends. I don't know.

I guess our discussion went okay?

Part way through our conversation she started asking me how I knew his name. I told her because I seen him putting hearts and commenting on her stuff and chasing her when her and I were friends on Facebook. She kept insisting that they were never friends on Facebook. I kept telling her that they were. Then I told her that's how he knew my name. Because he sent me a friend request. That must have sparked something because then she was like oh yeah! I noticed she forgets things like that at times.

Anyhow apparently she knows about his past. I am not sure if she brings him around when the kids are there or anything like that. I'm not sure if they are spending much time together or not.

I think now I need to go back to keeping a distance from her. Beyond that I'm not sure what else to do at this point.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'm glad you talked to her.  Sounds like things went as well as they could have.  It's good that this male friend told her about his situation.  Did she offer any clarification on the circumstances?

I think now I need to go back to keeping a distance from her. Beyond that I'm not sure what else to do at this point.  

Sounds like a wise plan.  How will you go about keeping your distance, i.e. when you feel tempted you will ______ (i.e. journal, postpone).  Perhaps, you explore a strategy with your therapist.

Giving her space, is your best chance for a renewed relationship.  Best that she NOT feel pushed back into it. Let her step back and think some things over.  In the meantime, continue working on yourself and your communication skills and strategy.  You will either make yourself a better partner for your ex or someone new.

[Carguy]

She didn't offer any clarification and I didn't ask. I just told her I wasn't sure if she knew and wanted her to know so she could take any precautions she felt necessary. I also told her that I know things are bad right now between us but that i still care very much about her and the kids. She did say thanks too.

My plan is to just go back to what I was doing before when I basically disappeared for a few months. I just do big shopping trips on Saturday or Sunday when she doesn't work and if i just need a few small items I can go to the other grocery store or go to Walmart when she's gone on lunch break or in the evening when she has gone home (that's a pain though cause I live 20 miles away). I also have projects I need to get back to doing. Building my car and this spring setting up my new hot tub. I want to get back to reading the self improvement books I bought like 'Codependent no more'. I also need to get back to my workout routine so I'm ready to compete in my Highland games again come spring.

[Infern0]

All I will say is in my experience with my ex with BPD my gut instinct was ALWAYS right. It's funny as soon as you see those "likes" on Facebook it's such a small thing but it usually leads somewhere.

Also she didn't forget anything she just got caught in a lie. Mine used to "remember" things I caught her lying about too, it's the same way an 8 year old gets out of lying.

It's sad that she's sunk this low to expose her own children to a child offender but that should be your warning if she cares that little for the well being of her own children it doesn't bear thinking about where your wellbeing ranks.

[khibomsis]

Weĺl done Carguy! Nice work protecting the children  I agree with Inferno,  while enjoying your you- time, spare a thought for whether another recycle is really in your best interests.

[Carguy]

Thanks Khimbosis! How have you been?

I have questioned times like that if she really was forgetting or if she was lying. I was also surprised when she told me she already knew. I wasn't sure if they were still hanging out or what. She made it sound yesterday like they were not together but I truly believe that he is pursuing something with her and she is encouraging it.

Yesterday morning when I stopped by to talk to her she had found a few more of my things that she had and gave them to me. Last night I was in town i had remembered to grab some of her things and was going to drop them off. As I got up to her apartment complex his truck was there. Wow! I just drove on by. Maybe I'll just mail her the rest of her stuff.

As I sit here this morning thinking, I don't know if he has been around her kids yet. I know while we were together and planning holiday things that her ex had them from Christmas on through the New Year. Seeing that this guy was there last night and knowing that she knows his past, I'm shocked. She is putting her kids and a bad situation. I don't feel like she is thinking of anybody else but herself. I have felt that way at times in the past with her and I but now her kids? Not only that but the other day when I found out about his past and I was doing a reading online I know that her husband has very good reason now to try to go after custody of those kids. He has threatened to in the past. He also could become the custodial parent and her visitation could be very limited including no overnight stays as long as she is with him. She is risking a lot by associating with him and having him at her apartment. I don't even know if she is aware of how much she could lose by being with him.

I also see him as a low-life even before i knew about his criminal past. He is no better than the low life that broke up my marriage and my ex-wife was cheating on me with. This guy knew that my ex-bpd was with me and yet he continued to flirt and chase after her and entice her. To me that says a lot about his character. He has no respect for someone else's relationship. Right now I feel angry at both of them and I honestly feel she gets what she deserves at this point. Him too. I just hope nothing happens to the kids.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Carguy:
What happened to the plan below?  Seems like you did an about face? If you had something important to give back to her, you would have brought it with you during your visit/chat or long before that.  Also, she would have likely have asked for anything significant, at the time she gave you some of your things back.

My plan is to just go back to what I was doing before when I basically disappeared for a few months. I just do big shopping trips on Saturday or Sunday when she doesn't work and if i just need a few small items I can go to the other grocery store or go to Walmart when she's gone on lunch break or in the evening when she has gone home (that's a pain though cause I live 20 miles away). I also have projects I need to get back to doing. Building my car and this spring setting up my new hot tub. I want to get back to reading the self improvement books I bought like 'Codependent no more'. I also need to get back to my workout routine so I'm ready to compete in my Highland games again come spring.

If you are honest, you used the items as an excuse to go to her apartment again. You don't know whether the children were with their father or not, when you drove by and saw her male friends truck at her apartment.

As I sit here this morning thinking, I don't know if he has been around her kids yet. I know while we were together and planning holiday things that her ex had them from Christmas on through the New Year. Seeing that this guy was there last night and knowing that she knows his past, I'm shocked. She is putting her kids and a bad situation. I don't feel like she is thinking of anybody else but herself. I have felt that way at times in the past with her and I but now her kids? Not only that but the other day when I found out about his past and I was doing a reading online I know that her husband has very good reason now to try to go after custody of those kids. He has threatened to in the past. He also could become the custodial parent and her visitation could be very limited including no overnight stays as long as she is with him. She is risking a lot by associating with him and having him at her apartment. I don't even know if she is aware of how much she could lose by being with him.

She knows about her friend's past.  If she continues to see this person, on weekends/times that the children are with their father, then there is no harm to them, or basis for her to lose custody.  I'm not hearing that you have proof that the children have ever been alone with her male friend, or that they have ever been in his presence.

[Carguy]

Nibbler,

Ok my last post might have seemed a bit harsh. I am a mix of emotions lately that change back and forth. I was responding from hurt and anger from last night. I feel she lied to me and this guy, the circumstances,  the way things happened, and the anger it stirs in me I know comes from when this happened in my marriage.  Actually my ex-wife left me 3 different times for two different men. The first was out of state but the second was a neighbor and he caused problems even after she left me. He was on the border of abusive to my oldest son and tried to egg me into a fight a few times. As much as i wanted to, I knew it would end me up in court and i possibly would end up with limited visitation. This brings up those same feelings and feels the same way for me.

As far as the items, yes, there is always that part of me I have to fight that wants to see her. The items were actually Christmas presents she wanted me to buy for her and the kids when we were together. A few weeks ago when she was so angry at me and was texting about giving me the rest of my stuff I asked about these presents and she told me to send it all back. I didn't. When I went to talk to her it was a spur of the moment thing because I couldn't sleep. My anxiety had been sky high over all this. I decided the only way to get rid of it was to just go talk to her and get it over with. I honestly thought it would go bad. The presents weren't even on my mind. When things actually went well and she found more of my things and gave them to me i thought as a good gesture and to start back on the track of being on good terms I would drop off those presents. When I seen him there it just put me back into those feelings of being lied to, cheated on, and him pursuing her and trying to break us up. I just kept going and went home.

As far as the kids being with their father, I'm 99.9% sure they are. We only broke up right before Thanksgiving and we were actually still together spending nights and weekends together until the first part of December. Before we broke up we were planning holiday family fun together with our kids. We planned around the holiday custody schedule because he had them from noon on Christmas day to just after New Years day. I also remember last year she had them New Years so it was his turn this year.

As far as him being around her kids, I don't  know and that's what I have been saying. I don't know how often they are together, how much time they spend together, and yesterday morning I didn't even know if she was still seeing him. Last night i guess I found out. What I am saying is yeah, she may be seeing him when the kids are not there but that would be only every other weekend. As with any relationship, as it developes the couple spend more time together. Since she is the custodial  parent she has the kids most of the time. He likely will eventually start being around the kids. I hope that since she knows his past that she wouldn't leave him alone with the kids but what if she steps into the other room for a few minutes? What if she runs to the bathroom? Maybe she jumps in the shower? I feel it is not a safe situation for the kids. Maybe he won't reoffend but maybe he will be tempted. Also what I'm saying is being with her for five years and knowing her ex-husband I know he will go after her if he finds out. He doesn't even have to go to the offender registry to find out.  I didn't. Also his wife is a police officer and we live in a small community.  She possibly could recognize  him. He is a sue happy "I'm going to take you to court!" person and they bicker and do not get along at all. He has threatened to go after custody in the past. When her and I first got together he even told her to tell me "If he hurts my kids I'll call the cops!" I had never even touched them and they even told her that. He had said the same to past boyfriends and even her father.

The reason I feel she is risking a lot is these reasons and also when I found out I was worried what kind of trouble it could land her in so I did some looking on Google. It popped up a bunch of attorneys and law firms and they were all saying for dads in these situations to get a family law attorney and get the order modified so the mother had very limited visitation and no overnight visits. They said of course that the judge will look out for the best interest of the kids and if he feels it is a bad situation he will do this. I feel that if the judge knew he was a convicted child molester-second degree felony and from what it says he would have molested a 12 or 13 year old then I feel he would probably question the safety of these children. I feel that she is risking a lot from the things I have read.

As far as me, I'm not sure I want anything to do with her at this point. This might change or it might not. I don't know. Right now I just don't want to even be around her. I had a birthday party to attend today for my adopted grandson and my son and I were going to stop at Walmart to get a few items. I didn't know if she worked today being it's New Year's Day. When I seen her car I decided I would wait. I don't even want to go on the store if she's there.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Carguy-

Like you, I am deeply upset over the fact that she’s even let this guy past her door after knowing what she says she knows about his felony child molestation convictions.

I was victimized from 7-8 years old... a little girl, at the hands of my best friends’ father.  And I can tell you that is something that you do not EVER forget or fully recover from.  I was obviously NOT however repeatedly assaulted in the safety of my family home.  Your ex is potentially setting up a very dangerous situation, IF this guy is in fact who you think he is.

Have you confirmed whether he is required to and if so, HAS registered as a convicted sex offender at his current residence?

Finally, IMO if your ex truly understands the nature of his criminal behavior and she chooses to see this guy, and potentially expose the kids, then she DESERVES to lose custody of those precious children.  She is completely disregarding their safety and well-being, not only now, but for their entire lives.

I’m sorry that I’m coming across as harsh.  I normally feel more compassion toward disordered people.  But in this case, I cannot help but engage in some very VERY black and white thinking.  To my way of thinking, there’s just NO grey area here... at least none that she seemed to provide you... correct?

And yes, I’d completely steer clear of her if I were you.  Return none of her things to her unless she specifically asks.

I am so sorry.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Carguy]

Hi Gems!

I'm so sorry this happened to you! My ex-wife went through sexual abuse too from her step dad from ages 8 to 12. It's  been almost 35 years ago now and she still struggles with depression, alcoholism (she's been sober 5 months now, proud of her!), and with romantic relationships. It's a horrible thing for a child to go through!

As far as who he is, I don't know him. All I know is what I found. When I did a Google search it popped up on one of those sites that want you to pay them for information on people. I didn't pay but when I looked at the little information they provide to entice you to pay, it showed two counts of child molestation 2nd degree felonies. So I found our state's sexual offender registry and looked in our area. He's on there listed as living in a town in our area. Charges are the same. It even says what he drives and gives plate numbers! I didn't  know that!

Then someone on here asked what exactly it was he did. It didn't say beyond child molestation so I went back and googled the number in front of the charges. It brought up the description of the charges in the state he was convicted in.

Child molestation in the second degree.
(1) A person is guilty of child molestation in the second degree when the person has, or knowingly causes another person under the age of eighteen to have, sexual contact with another who is at least twelve years old but less than fourteen years old and not married to the perpetrator and the perpetrator is at least thirty-six months older than the victim.
(2) Child molestation in the second degree is a class B felony.

Also looking at the dates he was convicted at the age of 30. I would think that puts the offences happening in his late 20's?

I understand you feeling upset as well. When I confronted her all she told me was she knew cause he told her. No attempt to explain or defend him. Nothing. During our conversation she repeated a few times "Even if we were together..." (her and this guy) so she was basically telling me they weren't. I wasn't sure at that point if they were spending time together still. When she said all this I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe she found out and stopped seeing him. That night when I went by and he was there I got my answer.

I have decided to just stay away. I agree on the presents too. I am not only hurt and angry with all of this but very disappointed with her.

[khibomsis]

I am all good this side thank you Carguy! I am with Gems on this one, what your ex is doing shows a complete lack of compassion.  I wish you the best in your resolution to stay away from her. Glad you have family around to support you during the holidays! Hugs Khib

[Carguy]

Thanks Khib!

I'm just really surprised and disappointed by all of this. A few months ago she was sharing things on Facebook about protecting children from sexual predators and child sex trafficking and now she is spending time with someone who has a record for child molestation. I don't know how much time they spend together or what the nature of the relationship is but I'm willing to bet it's romantic.

As far as me, I have to step away now. I'm not sure what to do now but knowing that she knows and from the way it looks chooses to pursue something with him makes me think maybe I should call DCFS anonymously and talk to them. Not even tell them about my ex-girlfriend. Just ask them if a situation like this arose what would be my best course of action? Maybe I could get some better direction that way. I also see my therapist this Thursday. I'm going to run it by him as well.

I truly wish she could see what she is doing.

[Carguy]

Update:

I contacted DCFS anonymously and told them the situation. They said I needed to get a hold of the agency over the registry and see if there was any extra rules like he couldn't go around others children or stuff like that. I called them and asked if they could tell me anything on this perpetrator. They said the only thing they could tell me is if the victim was under 14 then there is a law saying they have to have a permission slip to go around any other parents kids. I asked if they had to have it signed by both parents they said no. Basically she has to sign a paper giving him permission to be around her kids. They said it has to be for each occurrence that he is around them though. And really there is no way to know for sure if they have done that or if he has been around her kids yet. Apparently there is really nothing else that can be done. They said the only other option would be to notify the other parent to let them know what was going on. I would have to figure out a way to get in contact with their dad and I know he would have her in court real fast. I really don't want to cause problems for her though.

[kells76]

Carguy, I'm glad you contacted DCFS. In this case, that is a move that shows you're trying to put the kids' safety as the #1 priority. It is right and appropriate for adults to care for kids in that way.

I want to gently challenge your thinking here:

I really don't want to cause problems for her though.

Who is actually causing the problems for her in her life?

Who decided to date a guy with this background?

If there are natural consequences to this choice (such as, the kids' dad gets custody), who chose the natural consequences?

--> What if something that is "a problem for her" is actually the best thing for the kids? <--
...

What do you think?

[Carguy]

Kells,

You do have a very good point. I have felt that she brings on a lot of her own problems in other things. Her narcissistic side won't let her see that however.

The biggest thing that scares me about this option is I know that she will know I told him. This would completely destroy anything between us ever. I'm still unsure about a future relationship with her but at the moment I don't feel that she is angry and hateful towards me like she was at one point. If I do with this option there will be no going back. I would be permanently black and doubt she would ever forgive me.

It is an extremely hard position to be in. I care for those two kids and want them safe but I care about her a lot too and don't want to destroy everything with her.

I do finally get to talk to my therapist tomorrow. It's been a month because he was on holidays. I'm glad I get to because he is good at providing me with guidance.

[Carguy]

Update:

I had a long talk with my ex BPD and found out she was never dating this guy. I didn't even ask. We were talking about a lot of things and she brought it up. She told me she was never dating this guy. He basically has very few friends and he was looking for friends. She was just befriending him. She did not bring him around her kids and told me that she made it clear to him a few times that they were not going to date. She told me she was not going to risk losing her kids. I am relieved to know she was not willing to put her kids in that situation.