First time here and looking for advice

[TheOneYouKnow]

Hi everyone,
I am writing today to get support, advice, and insight on having a SO with BPD. I have been dating my SO for 2 years now, in what has been a wonderful, yet tumultuous relationship. My SO is a very caring, lovely human being with difficult mood swings, and I believe addictions (alcohol, weed), and perhaps an inability to be honest with me. He is very caring and (other than dishonesty, which is huge) treats me well.
Ok, here is what I am struggling with in terms of our relationship...
1. I believe he is hiding things from me, but then being very honest about other issues. He has intentionally kept meeting up with exes from me. He is also a freelance photographer that enjoys boudoir photography. We had an agreement that if he were to continue with the occasional boudoir shoots that he would discuss them with me first and said I could even go with him to one to see how they are. Long story short, he's scheduled to do one for an acquaintance of mine (he doesn't know we know one another) and hasn't told me about it, but she did. Yet he will be honest with me about his drug use. I have tried to be open and honest and accepting with him, but he sees things in black and white and says that because I'm uncomfortable with his photos, that I'm jealous of every female (which I am not, but he is very extreme in some of his thinking).
2. I am worried about his alcohol and weed consumption. He drinks a lot but rarely gets drunk as he has built up quite a tolerance. I also believe he uses weed most nights. I am concerned about him not dealing with issues, his health, and numbing out.
3. I'm worried b/c I feel as though this is beginning to affect my mental health in a bad way. I'm not sure I can trust him due to his past dishonest behaviors. I've become anxious b/c of his mood swings (ie: what's he going to be like when I see him today) as well as if I can trust him not to cheat.
I'm really not looking to be judged by any of this, so please be kind. I have never been in a relationship like this before and honestly, would normally think I would just walk out the door when dealing with these behaviors, but he's also so good and kind. I'm incredibly conflicted and also looking for some hope.
Does anyone have experience dealing with dishonesty from their SO? I think part of it is we think so differently and he doesn't see anything with his behaviors, so why should he stop? But then he breaks our agreements and I don't want to be with someone like that. I also have such strong feelings of love and admiration for him, that it's hard to just walk away.
Anyway, thanks for reading and for any responses.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mamascomeundone]

 
baileyrose36

I was married to someone with BPD but did not know it at the time. We were married 14.5 years and together 2.5 years before that. He lied, cheated, had me feel like I was going crazy, and I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. He hid so many things from me and blamed me for everything, even if it was something that happened at work. He would twist my words around, and I eventually stopped telling him things or even trying to work out our issues because I felt like nothing I did was ever right, or good enough. I finally found the courage to divorce him. We had 3 children together and all of our children have been diagnosed with BPD, along with other comorbidities, as well as physical illnesses, yet he is in denial and will not admit there is anything wrong with any of them.

I cannot tell you what to do but I will say that if he is lying to you and hiding things from you then you need to ask yourself if you really want to continue to put up with this kind of behavior. Would you want your daughter to put up with that from a boyfriend? Or your sister or a best friend? Do you not think you deserve honesty?

The truth is that you will have to choose for yourself. Does he acknowledge that he has BPD? Or that there is a problem? Because if he doesn't and is in denial, you may want to leave. I can tell you from my experience that I went through living hell with my ex, even after we were divorced. Do some serious research and reading about relationships with someone who has BPD and then make a decision. Obviously, I have stuck by kids and it has been the most difficult, challenging, roller coaster ride of my life. I am exhausted, burnt out and pray every day to the universe to keep them safe and to ease their burdens.

Each situation is different, but I guarantee none of them are a walk in the park. My daughter's boyfriend has been with her going on 10 years and I know he has been through hell and back. She doesn't cheat or lie or hide things though. And she has been through DBT and CBT, has a therapist, did group therapy and has medication for her depression, anxiety and OCD. So, that makes a huge difference.

No matter what you decide to do, make an informed choice.Know what you are getting into and be prepared either way.

Best of luck.