Help? New here. Looking for advice/support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I am new here.  My spouse either has BPD or BPD traits.  We have been together for almost 9 years.  Married for almost 1 year.  I just realized what has been happening in our relationship every month (the volcanic eruptions over nothing, constant blame and criticism, the accusations of imagined wrongs, etc.) are traits of BPD.  Currently trying to decide how best to proceed through the current crisis.  Thanks!

[etoile]

Hello, I am new here.  My spouse either has BPD or BPD traits.  We have been together for almost 9 years.  Married for almost 1 year.  I just realized what has been happening in our relationship every month (the volcanic eruptions over nothing, constant blame and criticism, the accusations of imagined wrongs, etc.) are traits of BPD.  Currently trying to decide how best to proceed through the current crisis.  Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are difficult. https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

How would you describe your current crisis?

[etoile]

Gosh... where do I start... (sorry in advance if I ramble) a month after we got married, she threatened to annul the marriage and even called the county office to see if it could be done (it could not).  This was her out-of-proportion response to the trigger that my children were too messy.  Since then, that has been her go-to for blowing up.  She has become more and more critical of their messiness and this has led to my kids (and me) walking on eggshells.  And every month, she blows up with another volcanic eruption threatening to leave/divorce me. She says some pretty horrific things during these eruptions.  And lately, she has started burdening the kids with "if your dad and I get a divorce, it'll be your fault."  My kids are basically terrorized by all of this.  She has said things like "I can't stand your kids" and this is really out of proportion as they are actually pretty good kids (well-behaved; good grades, etc.)

So this past weekend, I made dinner for my kids (she was isolating herself from us because she has a hard time hiding her disdain). They asked if they could help clean up. I said "no thanks, I got it.  Go do homework." My wife then enters the kitchen and sees me cleaning up and she starts yelling at my kids for not helping clean up.  I told her I told them I would do it and let them go.  She blew up saying "why didn't you tell me this before I yelled at them?" This of course led to her throwing a rage-filled tantrum and screaming at the kids (in front of the nanny) and again telling them that they are the only reason we fight and if we get a divorce it will be their fault.

eventually, I sheperded the kids away and she stormed off.  She went to another couple's house who we are friendly with but haven't spoken to in a few months (she has no friends, but her family is in the area). When she came back, she started telling me she didn't love me, she resents me because I promised her we would have a baby (which she really wanted) when we first started dating (I did no such thing) but then I didn't do that.  And she falsely accused me of not taking care of her and her kids. And then she has moved into one of my kids bedrooms and forced that kid to bunk with her sister.  And now we are separated in our home.

And now I don't know whether to stay together or just file for divorce.  It's been 9 years and it seems like it's getting worse.  Even her family is concerned.  I am unsure what to do next.  She doesn't speak to me. I don't know whether to stay (and let her keep emotionally abusing my kids) or leave. I have read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book.  Just trying to figure out where to go next or what to do.

[maxsterling]

Well, I can say the nature of the arguments you describe are nearly exactly what I have experienced with my W.  Example, W may step over her own shoes to complain about my shoes being on the floor rather than in the closet.   Or complain about a mess in the house that she herself made.  Or yell at the kids yesterday for not being fully potty trained, then this morning yell at me for trying to put my daughter in underwear rather than a pullup.  And if I try to explain that it is not my mess, the complete meltdown happens.  And lately, if I say nothing the meltdown happens. 

In that sense, it sounds very much like your W has BPD.  Now you are faced with some tough decisions.  Did she have these behaviors before you were married?  Did you live together prior to marriage?  My W had a breakdown a few months after our wedding.  I think it is the classic BPD push-pull.  They want commitment at the same time they don't.

How old are your children?  Remind them that they have done nothing wrong.  Do you have a therapist for yourself or your kids?  Does your wife seek any kind of counseling or therapy?  It is a tough situation.  I am glad you found this place.

[etoile]

Thank you for your reply. It is unexpected how comforting it is to know that others are dealing with the same things. I did not expect how comforting it would be.

Yes, we lived together for 8 years. Yes, she exhibited similar behavior before we were married. But I did not know that it was a diagnosis with a name. I thought it was just her anxiety and PTSD from having essentially been abandoned as a child.

My kids are 12 and 15. All 5 of us have therapists. Her kids are 18 and 13. I have told my kids this past weekend that they did nothing wrong. And now I will remind and reinforce it to them as much as I can.

My wife was seeing a counselor who specializes in trauma. But then her therapist’s husband was diagnosed with cancer. So she has not seen her therapist for several months. Not sure if she has a plan to go back.

I realized I can take a lot of abuse. But I am drawing the line when it comes to the kids.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s surprising how many of us here will tolerate abuse, but draw the line when seeing children become the target of abuse.

Here’s a 3 minute video on ending conflict

Something to keep in mind is that you are a role model for your children regarding romantic relationships. Seeing you being abused is not healthy for you or them.

Perhaps you can improve your boundaries or improve your communication skills

[etoile]

Thank you for the links. It’s helpful to have any information about ending the cycle of conflict. Will practice and give these techniques a try. And you are absolutely right about modeling being a sponge for abuse being a bad idea for the kids.