Assertiveness with BPD Partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone

Since my last post in June, I have been working on boundary and co-dependency work to help keep me from jumping in as the rescuer or fixer. I've been reading "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary & Joy Lundberg, I have the Winner's Triangle posted on my vanity mirror, and have been reviewing the Gottman Relationship Model. I feel like the models of assertiveness and the Gottman principles may need some adaptations when in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. I'm hoping some folks here can share if they have made any modifications, and if so which and how it's worked out.

One example is when my BPD partner approaches a topic, situation, etc from an aggressive/disrespectful manner toward me and I:

Step One: Try to respond assertively (all hell breaks lose). He accuses me of over-reacting, not being someone he can talk to, and ruining his day. (Nevermind that I'm the one who wakes up to a slew of emails on social issues that have triggered him and he wants to argue with me about).

Step Two: I practice not reacting to his reaction and calmly state what he said, how I perceived it (Gottman skill), and try to seek clarification in case I mistook his message. His response to me is more contemptuous comments and not providing clarification of my questions.

I guess I feel like some of the assertiveness communication and Gottman relationship skills are really helpful if your partner is not in the BPD spectrum. Any thoughts?

Thank you all in advance!

[Arizona]

Hello everyone

Since my last post in June, I have been working on boundary and co-dependency work to help keep me from jumping in as the rescuer or fixer. I've been reading "I don't have to make everything all better" by Gary & Joy Lundberg, I have the Winner's Triangle posted on my vanity mirror, and have been reviewing the Gottman Relationship Model. I feel like the models of assertiveness and the Gottman principles may need some adaptations when in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. I'm hoping some folks here can share if they have made any modifications, and if so which and how it's worked out.

One example is when my BPD partner approaches a topic, situation, etc from an aggressive/disrespectful manner toward me and I:

Step One: Try to respond assertively (all hell breaks lose). He accuses me of over-reacting, not being someone he can talk to, and ruining his day. (Nevermind that I'm the one who wakes up to a slew of emails on social issues that have triggered him and he wants to argue with me about).

Step Two: I practice not reacting to his reaction and calmly state what he said, how I perceived it (Gottman skill), and try to seek clarification in case I mistook his message. His response to me is more contemptuous comments and not providing clarification of my questions.

I guess I feel like some of the assertiveness communication and Gottman relationship skills are really helpful if your partner is not in the BPD spectrum. Any thoughts?

Thank you all in advance!

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[purpletac0s]

Hello Arizona

I have not read your previous post(s) as I am not sure how to find them, but I had a couple thoughts upon reading this one. Keep in mind I am also not aware of the severity of behaviors you are facing.

One of the top things that seems to be helpful with BPD spectrum issues and de-escalation is validation. Perhaps when a topic is brought up or a situation arises, first approach with stating something you understand or agree with or acknowledge their pain/frustration, then emphasize that you two are partners and how it hurts you when he displays the aggressive/disrespectful behavior towards you. A degree of empathy and validation is necessary or else it can exacerbate their fears; however, it's equally important that you are also heard and receive empathy as well.

Something important here for progress to occur is whether he also has desire for things to improve. Maybe you two can reach some sort of agreement or pact about what you would both like to see with each other's communication (in a goal-oriented way rather than an accusatory way), and it will create a sense of teamwork. If you are the only one reading up on and thinking about how to make progress, getting results may be rather difficult regardless of approach.

[Arizona]

Thank you Purpletac0s for your feedback. In our many conversations he says he’ll go to counseling, read workbooks, get on meds and then states “nothing works.” He’s been to several therapists and psychs and “they all suck at their work.” He also says that he can’t recall what he reads. Not sure if this is a sleep deprivation issue impacting his memory (he has significant sleep issues), if he’s subconsciously resistant to what he’s reading, or if he’s dissociating. Whatever the reason, “nothing works.”

Validation and empathy works great when he is not angry and not lashing out at me. When he’s angry there is NOTHING I can say that will help him. It’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.

The personal growth work that I have been doing has led to me practicing more assertiveness/boundary setting  (respectful and kind) was in order to protect myself from the splitting and verbal abuse.

[Babblingbrook]

One thing I remember about Gottman is the bank deposit analogy. So you try to praise your spouse or be validating or his or her cheerleader when he or she is having a tough time.

I think this works well when you know your spouse will also be able to make deposits in your account as well.

The best thing to do when there is anger or lashing out is to get out of range. I fall into defensiveness and then sometimes full on anger when things are brought up that aren’t true but at the end of the day, I feel so much better if I just walk away, and find a safe place to be or another positive activity to nurture myself.

I commend you for working on your communication skills. I am trying to read Marshall Rosenberg’s Principles of Nonviolent Communication from front to back and it’s all about observing, feelings, needs and requests. I think the D.E.A.R. Analogy is similar. I tried that with my BPD today and got nothing. I got an apology but I didn’t get anything besides excuses and blaming and evading responsibility and finally, the truth: I want it my way or I don’t want it at all. Not your way. The old way where I didn’t have to be held accountable for my actions.

So whatever works for you, do that. But stay out of range when he’s raging. Don’t take that on. Tell him you will return when he is calm and kind, then exit.

[Arizona]

Thank you Babblingbrook. Yes, you're correct. I get taken by surprise (yes, still) with his out-of-nowhere verbal attacks, which then triggers me to respond defensively. I find that he has trouble holding on to what he knows to be true about me, which then causes him to become paranoid and start splitting (hating part of splitting). I would love to see Gottman's skills of seeing your partner through rose colored glasses and the positive sentiment override help him hold back from spewing all these paranoid, critical, and hurtful comments. I use these and they've helped me see the illness separate from his positive qualities.

I also often catch myself feeling like he behaves like he doesn't know me (personalizing his comments)...but I'm working on remembering that 1) this is not about me and  2) I cannot fix it...I can only take care of me and work on my reactions.

Thank you again.

[once removed]

Step One: Try to respond assertively (all hell breaks lose). He accuses me of over-reacting, not being someone he can talk to, and ruining his day. (Nevermind that I'm the one who wakes up to a slew of emails on social issues that have triggered him and he wants to argue with me about).

Step Two: I practice not reacting to his reaction and calmly state what he said, how I perceived it (Gottman skill), and try to seek clarification in case I mistook his message. His response to me is more contemptuous comments and not providing clarification of my questions.

tell us more.

for example, what does responding assertively look like from you/in your relationship? when he responds in the way you describe, what do you do?

generally speaking, the tools work with anyone, but maybe the most important thing is to personalize them. for example, i might write a sentence to you that someone else would find especially validating, but that you might find incredibly condescending and, therefore, invalidating.

[Arizona]

Hello

Thank you for your response. A recent example in response to an angry email he sent with an article and telling me that i was misinformed and surprised that someone with my education would think the way i do:

My response was: When you speak to me in this way I feel hurt and misunderstood, and then struggle to understand your needs..

His response: You’re too sensitive. It’s f**** crazy that I can’t just talk you without your permission. I can’t be with a person like this. I don’t know you anymore.

Hope this helps. I’m open to feedback on anything that o could be doing differently or if I’m still regressing back to codependency.

Thank you!

[once removed]

yours is a good response. pretty hard to improve on.

reading between the lines, his response is probably about him feeling rejected.

its sort of like by asserting your autonomy, and not accepting his advice, or education, or whatever, he feels rejected, his ego wounded, and so he talks down to you.

it would still help us to know more.

is this a typical exchange? what was the angry email about? is it a touchy subject, something the two of you fight about often? it may be a subject thats best avoided.

it may be that when you say you feel hurt, he doesnt know what to do with that, so he punches down. if thats the case, vulnerability may just make you a target, where being unphased and lighthearted might work better.

again, its hard to say.

what did you say to his response?

[Arizona]

Hello Once Removed

Not sure how I missed your reply and question...but it still applies months later. His emails can be related to politics, finances, or anything he is feeling upset about at the time. Usually without something. leading up to it, hence why I get taken by surprise. The most recent example was him forgetting our agreement about how we split our household expenses. He sends an email stating that he feels “taken advantage of” financially. When I try to explain to him details so he can see that we are paying fair shares he glosses over it and gets more upset. This recent conversation led to him taking off his ring. When I shared with him that it bothered me because that’s a simple of our commitment he shut down and hasn’t talked to me for days.

Second example is me sharing with him that I had started attending a CODA group. His demeanor changed immediately and angering stated “i don’t have words.”

I’m practicing to just let go and fight the urge to reach out and fix. It’s super hard though and really need some cheerleading.

Thank you