Just so exhausted

[greeneyes25]

Hey all. I have been looking for an online support group for partners of people with BPD. I was hoping to find a real video support group with weekly meetings or something but it honestly doesn't seem like that exists. I looked around this time last year too. I don't know if I have the energy to explain everything about my situation, but I can do my best. I am so so exhausted. My partner has  BPD. This began developing about 2-3 years ago and sometimes is so much better than others. It does seem cyclical, though. This time last year, my partner was constantly drinking, doing cocaine or any drug that he could get his hands on and constantly spiraling down every single day. I never knew what he would bring up or act like from any one day to the next. It seems that this is repeating now at the same time of year that it did last year. I have been with my partner for 4 years and have tried so hard to get him to try therapy. He tried once for a few sessions and I could honestly see such a difference even in just a few sessions, but he stopped going and refuses to go back or try again. When he is in this state, he is constantly paranoid that I'm hiding something or lying based on nothing in reality. I am doing my best to reassure him and be available to him to the extent that any human can, but it's literally so exhausting. It feels like he expects me to be this super human saint who is always calm and loving and always available to him.  I know that I need to wrap my head around how I should be communicating with him at this time and how I should approach conversations and interactions. I just feel too exhausted to even do that right now. I feel too exhausted to even think about asking him to go to therapy again. I want to stay with my partner and have made the decision to do so in the past. I just can't imagine what more I can give when he isn't even taking responsibility for his own emotions, actions or words. I don't even know what I am asking. I just feel like I'm not even capable of navigating this right now. It feels so daunting. And when it comes to his recovery, I always feel that I am working harder than he is to learn about BPD and understand whats going on. I just need someone to relate to or someone that has been in a similar situation or something. I feel so isolated and worthless. Help please.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scared2Lose]

BPDlovedones on reddit is a pretty negative group online, but they do hold weekly support meetings over zoom that are way more sympathetic to both the pBPDs and their partners.

Maybe post on that sub-reddit saying you heard about the support group.

[maxsterling]

Hi - 

So sorry you are going through this.  Yes, it is very exhausting, and I completely relate.  As I am currently realizing, I have been neglecting myself and my needs for too long, both physically and emotionally.  I, too, have very little left in the tank for my W.  I suggest you focus on yourself and your own self care as much as you can right now.  Even little things help, such as taking walks alone.

I assume you live together.  Are you married?