I don't know what to do or say...

[Lindsay1111]

My daughter has not officially been diagnosed with BPD but she does have all the classic signs and symptoms. Right now she is down a very dark path and I am so drained emotionally,  mentally and physically. I don't sleep and I'm constantly checking on her. She is suicidal and refuses help. Where I live, I can call police but she manipulates them stating she isn't a threat to herself or other. They have little power and cannot do anything as she has to be honest for that.  I've taken her to the hospital and they have also released her home.  She is much worse now and has been vocal with how she wants to leave this world but we won't let her. Today I saw on her arm a line dotted out along her artery from her wrist to forearm.  I confronted her on this and told her she needs to see a doctor and she said " they won't do anything, I will just tell them this is what I do to avoid self harm" etc... She is right,  they won't do anything and they hardly ever do. Unfortunately they need the person to actually admit they are in harms way before holding them on a 72hr hold. This is

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Gosh your situation is so difficult. You are being pushed into  a corner - being asked by your daughter to carry all her pain and be her only source of attention.

I imagine you are going over and over in your mind about what you can do as you lie awake at night - the stress and lack of sleep will take it's toll on you mentally and physically.

What I have learned from coming here is - especially when in a situation like yours - put the focus on yourself for a brief moment. It is like the drill they do in the aeroplane: when the oxygen mask falls down, put your own on first, then put one one your child. Makes sense; if you pass out you can't help your child.

The thing people suggest here is to get counselling yourself. Perhaps first talk to your GP, fill them in on what is happening for YOU. If you don't know a counsellor
your GP might be able to help.

Not sure if you work outside your home? Think about whether you are eating properly - exercise etc. Some exercise might help the sleep?

When you have made an appointment with a counsellor, think about whether you are going to tell your daughter ie 'I know you are hurting badly, but I can also see that you are not ready to do something about it. I love you very much and this situation is very painful for me so I am going to see a counsellor myself to make sure my health holds up'.

My feeling is that your daughter would not like this - other people involved is not what she wants. So don't know what you think about that idea ie telling her before you see a counsellor.

Perhaps others here have an opinion on that?

[old97]

I am no expert, but my thought is talk to your therapist about how to talk to your daughter.

When looking for a therapist, we've been asking candidates if they have experience with caretakers of people with BPD. Therapy specifically for people with BPD is highly specialized, but counselling people who care for others with BPD is (I think) less so. Therapists can be familiar with the symptoms of BPD, and how to act/react to them, without being experts in Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

I think it's important to be upfront with your therapist that your loved one has BPD and it's causing you stress. Some of the rules for dealing with "difficult people" don't apply to BPD, but some of them do. I think solid boundaries, consistently enforced, can make a huge difference when living with a person with BPD.

Just my two cents. As I said, I'm no expert. I just know what I've seen and what I have read.

Please keep coming back to this board. I have found the insight and support to be very helpful!