Grandson in jail due to BPD mother

[Atlmags]

I am not sure how to deal with my feelings surrounding this mess (apologies for the length). Most of this is out of my control, but I just need to express this to folks who will likely understand. My 38 YO BPD daughter is a single mother to 2 children (different fathers, neither in the picture), an 18 YO boy and a 7 YO girl. She treated the boy terribly during his childhood and adolescence. She constantly verbally and emotionally abused him, and at times physically abused him as well. I spent a great deal of time with him as he was growing up and tried my best to be his 'safe haven' and guide him in a healthy direction, but of course he developed poor self esteem, dropped out of school after 10th grade (he did get his GED with my assistance), ended up with a meth addiction by age 16, and hung out with an extremely negative peer group for the past 2 years. He was arrested 4 times in 2020 (all at age 17) for felony drug charges, and currently has been sitting in county jail since Sep 30 without bond waiting for the justice to start moving again as everything is on hold due to COVID. He turned 18 in jail and of course missed Thanksgiving and Christmas. He could potentially face a 10 year mandatory sentence. Unfortunately, Georgia is one of only 2 states that treat 17 year-olds as adults, and while I know he must pay the price for his criminal acts, this seems quite harsh. My daughter is a much better mother to the young daughter, owing partially I suppose to being older and more mature, and perhaps partially to the child being a girl. On the positive side, my daughter and I have finally within the past couple of years reached a sort of 'truce' in our relationship for the most part -- we typically don't interact much at all unless it involves the kids as of course she needs lots of babysitting help as a single mother. We keep our relationship primarily 'business-like', and communicate through text and a shared calendar, as phone or in person conversation is a slippery slope (I might make the 'wrong' face or have the 'wrong tone' or some other similar transgression). Of course there are still the occasional blowups, but I have given up having any kind of normal relationship with her and have made peace with this so long as I am allowed to be in my grandchildrens' lives. I know even when she is angry with me, I will be 'forgiven' as soon as she needs my help again, sometimes the same day. My dilemma is this -- I have such a massive amount of resentment, even hate, towards her for all the pain she has inflicted on my grandson, who I love like my own child, that I do not know what to do with it. My grandson is a handsome, athletic, kind-hearted, sensitive soul who dropped into a downward spiral during adolescence, and I am 99% sure none of this would have happened if she had not broken his spirit. It breaks my heart to think how much he now has to overcome. And I miss him terribly - we are only allowed phone calls and video visits. I did retain a good attorney, at great expense, and am hopeful they can help get him the best possible outcome. Inside I am seething all the time and want to lash out at her, but of course that would serve no purpose other than to make me feel (temporarily) better. I am in therapy trying to deal with all of this, but I experience such a 'cognitive dissonance' -- if that's the right term. Anyone dealing with anything remotely similar? (And I really hope not!)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Hey, I remember you - sorry to hear about this development; I've responded by private message, but they're almost impossible to notice on this forum's layout so you can click https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=pm to check it out.

[Sancho]

Gosh you have a huge load to carry. We all do that come here, all in our own ways, different burdens, same weight.

I have times when I am so angry. I live in a small village and watched the failure of validation in my BPDd's life journey via teachers, friends and friends parents.

When I think of it I am really enraged.

You mind must constantly go over all the times when your grandson was treated so badly - and all the effort that you put in to try to compensate.

You understand your daughters' responses to things and there is a certain numbness as you go about supporting her and the children.

Then there is the pain and distress you carry regarding your grandson.

Anger and numbness are the things that I feel in my situation. I let myself feel angry quite a lot, then I 'let it go' - I deliberately 'come out' of the past, and put my mind totally on the present.

Your grandson is still so young, and with your support and love, he could come through this difficult time. His chances are so much greater with you there.