Advice needed on estranged adult son

[Muttly]

I've ticked child with BPD - but he's an adult - mid 30's. And I'm at a loss to know what to do. I've read a lot of books and articles about depression/ptsd over those years and BPD seems the likely cause. I think.
It'd been 5 years since I've seen him, although I did try to visit him 3 years ago but he threatened the police on me if I didn't go away; so, in shock, stunned, I drove off.
He doesn't respond to texts, email, or phone. He's moved area, so I no longer know where he lives. He does communicate, occasionally, to his younger brother, but I understand that he is reluctant to contact us; mutterings about 'it's been too long' and 'need to decide limits' and waiting for us 'to express we're sorry'. This is how I understand it. We're willing to talk with him, but he won't let us. We love him so much, but this complete rejection hurts. Every minute of every day.
I'm really tempted to email him to let him know how much we miss him, but I'm scared I will write something that will set him back. Your thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi
Estrangement is tough .  Here is a  link from this forum on the topic.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296973.0
I also am estranged from my adult son and it is ... I can't put it into words.  But worry  and self recriminations are a large part of it. 
Read through the suggested reading and see what you think. 

[squirrel20]

Hello,

We have a daughter, 28 who stays away as well.

First question is...do you even know what you’re supposed to be sorry for? That stuck out in your post. Plus your comment that he is waiting for you to reach out to apologize.

This is a common theme with them. Blame others. Everything is everyone else’s fault. I’m thinking you don’t have a firm grasp on what you did to cause this. We don’t apologize for anything because we didn’t do anything, it’s the nature of the disorder.

[incadove]

Hi Muttly - it feels awful to not be able to make contact with someone important to us.

My dd also does not want contact right now beyond brief texts, but I am grateful she is willing to express this directly to me.  Before I had a lot of conflict when I had very specific rules and obligations in my mind when she lived with me, and even after at some times.

But, for myself I find I am actually grateful for her to be open that she does not feel comfortable with contact right now.  She is not asking for an apology but she does sometimes tell me when something I said or did hurt her inadvertently. 

I am not trying to minimize or to compare at all.  But I think maybe this could be a form of radical acceptance, the acceptance that a loved family member does not in fact want contact with me, because it hurts her to be in too close contact.  That's just how it is for her so if I know that, I can understand why she would not want me to visit or see her right now.

Maybe a message of accepting this boundary, with openness to connect or a short message saying you hope he is well or a small card or gift, and leave it at that, every so often?  I think over time trust can build up, but it will always be difficult.  Also not taking responsibility for their life is a good thing on both sides I think.

I'm sorry it sounds really wrenching and hard for you to have received that shock, and it certainly doesn't feel appreciative!  I think accepting our own real emotions is important too!

Best luck with building your own world in a happy way and for your son