Need help seeing the light again :(

[Depression = 72% of members]

Though undiagnosed I’m certain my husband suffers from unconventional BPD. Through the help of a therapist I’ve been able to communicate much better with him.  But he seems to currently be in crisis and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. He is incredibly stressed yet refuses any stress reducing self care even when I insist he take time for himself to relax and recharge. He barely speaks to me and when he does the conversation instantly turns to ways in which I’ve wronged him and often he explodes in rage at seemingly innocuous things. We have a 3 year old and I’m very invested in my relationship and love my husband deeply; however his behavior now affects our child which is unacceptable. I don’t know how to communicate with him and set boundaries. He’s incredibly good at twisting so it appears I’m evil and abandoning him even though he’s completely cut me off emotionally and his behaviors suggest he has no interest in a relationship. But I’ve seen such wonderful improvement since working with my therapist and was able to see my real husband without the mask of this disorder for an extended period of time. Now that he’s spiraling again, I feel like I’m slowly dying and need to get my life back so I can focus on my son, career and a much healthier relationship.

[Thorn212]

Though undiagnosed I’m certain my husband suffers from unconventional BPD. Through the help of a therapist I’ve been able to communicate much better with him.  But he seems to currently be in crisis and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. He is incredibly stressed yet refuses any stress reducing self care even when I insist he take time for himself to relax and recharge. He barely speaks to me and when he does the conversation instantly turns to ways in which I’ve wronged him and often he explodes in rage at seemingly innocuous things. We have a 3 year old and I’m very invested in my relationship and love my husband deeply; however his behavior now affects our child which is unacceptable. I don’t know how to communicate with him and set boundaries. He’s incredibly good at twisting so it appears I’m evil and abandoning him even though he’s completely cut me off emotionally and his behaviors suggest he has no interest in a relationship. But I’ve seen such wonderful improvement since working with my therapist and was able to see my real husband without the mask of this disorder for an extended period of time. Now that he’s spiraling again, I feel like I’m slowly dying and need to get my life back so I can focus on my son, career and a much healthier relationship.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

the hard part about these relationships is that no matter how much you improve, you will not necessarily make your loved one an easier person to live with, or love.

you may cope better. your partner may meet you half way, and you may see real improvement in your relationship. or you may find an even greater distance that ultimately kills the relationship.

it varies. but you love a difficult person who will always struggle, and if you choose this relationship, even with marked improvement, you will always struggle.

tell us more. what sorts of improvements have you made? what was the last fight like?

[tvda]

Hi Thorn212, I'm sad to hear you are going through such difficult times... I feel for you - especially with a young child involved...

It's always bewildering to me to see people going into therapy to work "on themselves" to make life with the partner with the disorder better. I do recognise that it can help in some ways to make your life better, but somehow it also feels carrying water to the ocean...

Are you considering ending the relationship? If his behaviour suggests he has no interest in the relationship and negatively affects your child there seem to be enough reasons to consider this.

Have you mentioned leaving/divorcing him, and if so, how did he react?

[maxsterling]

the hard part about these relationships is that no matter how much you improve, you will not necessarily make your loved one an easier person to live with, or love.

you may cope better. your partner may meet you half way, and you may see real improvement in your relationship. or you may find an even greater distance that ultimately kills the relationship.

it varies. but you love a difficult person who will always struggle, and if you choose this relationship, even with marked improvement, you will always struggle.

Agree with this 100%  When you are with a pwBPD, you will be in a relationship that will never, ever be 50/50.  Never be devoid of difficulty.  For it to work out for the long term, it will involve a good deal of acceptance, and losing some of yourself. 

At this point in my r/s, I am already accepting some things I will never have as long as we stay together.  Whether I can be happy with that is a constantly re-evaluating internal struggle. 

Right now I am just working on getting a few hours personal time per week.  My personal time has been almost zero for the past year.  Given W's pattern, my best hope at this point is that I can find a way to achieve some space, resume some hobbies, have time for my career, while W gains some ability to manage her own emotional affairs.