ex has a new boyfriend

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

my ex-wife has a new boyfriend and the kids seem to really like him. we have 6 kids and have been divorced for 8 years. the kids actually spend more time in my home than hers.it was an ugly divorce, not pleasant, with a lot of time in court battling for custody. multiple orders of proctection against me. she is not stable, for the past 3-4 years, she has been leaving the kids in my care much more than my allotted time. one summer she basically did not take the kids. and since the pandemic, the kids have not been there. i have had the kids with me full time for a year, and a lot of other time too, before that. which, has definitely limited my dating prospects. now all of the sudden she is back and taking the kids. and, the annoying part, with a new boyfriend that the kids seem to really like. and that hurts. and make me jealous. they come back from her and are the whole time, "L said this." "L. said that." they seem to really like him. They come back with gifts and money from him. I know there is nothing to really do about it. Advice says don't be jealous and don't let the kids see it bothers you. Advice also says control what is in your hands.OK, I am a man and it is hard to have kids with no help. I feel i am too tense, too short with them. so now they will have a "good time" with him and her, and I will be hurting inside and "no fun and the mean guy". it hurts.

[Rewards2]

my ex-wife has a new boyfriend and the kids seem to really like him. we have 6 kids and have been divorced for 8 years. the kids actually spend more time in my home than hers.it was an ugly divorce, not pleasant, with a lot of time in court battling for custody. multiple orders of proctection against me. she is not stable, for the past 3-4 years, she has been leaving the kids in my care much more than my allotted time. one summer she basically did not take the kids. and since the pandemic, the kids have not been there. i have had the kids with me full time for a year, and a lot of other time too, before that. which, has definitely limited my dating prospects. now all of the sudden she is back and taking the kids. and, the annoying part, with a new boyfriend that the kids seem to really like. and that hurts. and make me jealous. they come back from her and are the whole time, "L said this." "L. said that." they seem to really like him. They come back with gifts and money from him. I know there is nothing to really do about it. Advice says don't be jealous and don't let the kids see it bothers you. Advice also says control what is in your hands.OK, I am a man and it is hard to have kids with no help. I feel i am too tense, too short with them. so now they will have a "good time" with him and her, and I will be hurting inside and "no fun and the mean guy". it hurts.

[worriedStepmom]

She left the kids with you for an entire year?

That seems like grounds to go to court and get the custody order modified so that you have significantly more time, legally.  Especially if you think she will likely revert to unstable behavior and negatively impact the children.

It can be really difficult when your children first get close to a potential stepparent.  Counseling might help you come to terms with it.  Time will also help.  If it makes you feel any better, my ex and I have been divorced 10 years and both remarried.  Our youngest, at age 10, told his therapist proudly, "I have four parents.  There are my two main parents, and then there are my other parents who love me."  Even though he was a toddler when I married my H, he *knows* that his daddy is the "main" parent.

I firmly believe that it is in my children's best interests to have other adults who love them.  Their stepmom brings qualities I don't have - and I have qualities she doesn't have.  My children feel safe and secure because they know deep in their bones they are well loved by both their families.

My SD13's mom is uBPD.  Due to mom's bad behavior, SD13 spends more than 85% of the time in our home, and she turns to me to fulfill much of the mom role.  Nevertheless, her mom is her mom.  That bond is very strong.

You cannot be replaced in your children's lives.  Love isn't pie - your children's growing affection for this other person doesn't at all diminish their love for you.

[Rewards2]

i totally hear you
court, forget about. too much of a waste of time and energy. plus she would love to go back to court.
anyway, your advice is solid.
i feel dumped on and it hurts. basically leaving me with the kids and making her life and then coming back on her terms. it is like continued abuse. she does whatever she likes.
on the other hand, i cannot control that part. i take care of the kids because i am their father.
you are right and others told me the same. i have to process the new dynamic. it was only me for the past year or two, pretty much. now all of the sudden...
one more thing too.
taking care of the kids was in a way letting me know that i was not who she said i was. constantly being told their was something wrong with me, that i was mentally ill, or with Aspergers, or whatever else she was throwing at me.
now she comes in with some guy who seems so normal, it makes me doubt myself. maybe i was the one who destroyed the marriage and could not help her. even though i know what happened and who she is and how she is, it still plants some doubts. maybe if i was stronger or smarter i could have made it work.

[ForeverDad]

My ex was consistently sabotaging my time, the exchanges, etc.  A couple years after the final decree I went back to seek full custody.  I was seeking majority time too but the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) wanted to attempt a middle ground, so I gained custody but ex kept her equal time... for another few years.  Anyway, back to my story.  I told GAL I hoped ex would just get married and not focus on me as much.  Gal said, "No one would marry her."  She was right, my ex never got married again.  Neither have I, so far.

My point is that your ex's new BF may not last.  Many will eventually get wise and fade away.  Or even be driven away when your ex has an incident with him.  And you know that if she does get married, it will probably be a rocky one.

Do you think that part of the reason she's taking the kids again is to look good and normal to her new flame?  If so, over time she may revert back to her prior patterns, her prior level of interaction.

[Rewards2]

i think she is using him to deal with the kids.
for example, she calls my house and she barely speaks to the kids, she immediately puts the phone to him to talk to the kids.
obviously, she cannot deal with the kids. it has been like that since the kids were babies.
it looks like she found some kind of helper/enabler to intermediate between her and the kids.
what is the real issue here? that i should remain positive and confident and when the kids are with me. yes, it hurts to hear them talk about this guy. but she is their mother and as good a relationship as can be is good for all.
i cannot, and probably should not, stop them from going to her.
my job is to keep my mind straight so i can focus on taking care of them properly.

[worriedStepmom]

It is tough to always be the responsible parent.  My ex and I have a great coparenting relationship...and still I get the short end of the stick a lot.  I've accepted it's just my job, but I still get really frustrated sometimes.

The kids notice this stuff.  They really do, even if they don't bring it up to you.  They know you are the parent who is reliable.  Being the reliable one, though, is hard.  It's got to be especially hard since you have twice as many kids as I do and no partner.

Do you have help?  A good team of friends or family or babysitters to give you some time just for you?  Activities or hobbies that you enjoy that don't involve the kids?  It's important that you also prioritize yourself.

You say

i cannot, and probably should not, stop them from going to her.

 
That totally depends on how she is treating them.  If she ignores them the whole time they are with her, what's the point?  If she's being emotionally abusive, also...nope.  If she's able to cope with them and be a somewhat decent mom because she has help/someone to show off too...well, that's good.

If SD13's mom hadn't seen SD13 in six months or a year, there wouldn't be unsupervised visitation again until she'd met some criteria.  (We actually wrote this into our decree because mom frequently threatens to abandon SD).  I wouldn't trust her.

Also, how long have the kids known new guy?  It's striking some red flags with me that he's talking to them on the phone when they are with you. 

[Rewards2]

i know. she calls and puts him on the phone. it's annoying. like, look lady, you barely see your kids, and then when you call you put him on to talk to them. she has her reasons.
maybe this is shaking my self-confidence more than it should.
she was really crazy when we got divorced. of course blamed it all on me. it was clear to parties at the time that she was "wrong". really, made up order of protections and having me arrested?
then leaving me with the kids almost full-time while she developed her life and business.
and now hearing about her "success" is really bothering me.
maybe it was me. maybe i did not treat her right. (as she always told me)
obviously there are a lot of pieces to this, but i need to vent.

[worriedStepmom]

It's not you.

You're a good dad.  A responsible person.  You care.  You are also trying your best to do what is best for your kids regardless of your own feelings.

She's focused on herself.   She abandons her responsibilities - her CHILDREN - until it's convenient for her.  She doesn't prioritize anyone's emotional wellbeing over her own.  She can't.

[Rewards2]

this is true and solid, thank you.
for example, tonight is Sunday. last few Sundays she has claimed "her day" with the kids.
today, all day I am waiting for the phone to ring. and no call at all.
it is hard for me, not knowing what to expect.
i feel like i am the convenient guy to leave the kids with.
no joke, a woman declined to continue speaking with me today because she feels like i do not have time for her. and it is true, i feel overloaded with the kids here, like i have no time for a relationship.
and my ex does whatever she wants.
i think i need to speak to a therapist to process this.

[worriedStepmom]

Therapists can be really helpful!  Mine has helped me through a lot of these feelings.

How precisely is your custody decree written?  Would it be possible to demand that ex tell you by 24 hours before the scheduled visit if she is going to pick up the kids or not?  And if she doesn't tell you, then she doesn't get them?

I hope that you are documenting all of these visits and no-shows.  It's good evidence for if/when you want to go back to court to change the agreement to something that more reflects reality.

How are your kids doing with mom just not showing up?

[Rewards2]

the agreement is clear, but i really don't see myself going back to court. the kids are getting older, court is really stressful, and from my experience little is likely to be gained.
it will only create ill will from the kids.
especially since i have not been documenting this behavior.
i would say court is not really an option.
and as much as i would like to say the kids, you cannot go to her, the two kids that do go to her are 12 and 8 yr old boys. tough to really stop them.
sometimes i can.
for example, today the 8 yr came home while i was still at work and was staying with my D20. then the 12 yr old stopped by my office on his way home from school. i asked him if he wanted to drive home with me, it is not far either way.
he says, i am not sure, i might be going to mommy. so he calls her from my office and she she told she was busy. Monday is "her day". then she flatters him up, asking him his opinion about how to decorate his new room in her new apt.
(she recently took and apt. on the floor above her boyfriend in the same bldg.)
then he comes home with me.
it does sort of amaze me how he is so eager to call her and go to her, when she always is not reliable, but it is his mother and like many people point out, a good relationship with both parents is desired.