Feeling so confused

[MapSack]

Hello,

This is my first post even though I've been visiting this site for some time now. It's been really helpful to read people's posts and it makes me feel a little less lost. I'm not 100% sure diagnosis wise, but my ex really seems to suffer from some of the traits of BPD and I'm thinking that this is why I feel so confused. I see some red flags and yet I can't stop myself from loving him and wanting to be with him. He has broken up with me about 5 times in a years period, and each time it's been difficult getting over it/healing. It's almost as if he has a 6th sense though, because as soon as I start to feel good about myself again or get my life on a good track, he texts me and eventually asks to get back together with him. I'm really ashamed of how many times I've gone back to him and it's something I hide from my friends and family.

At the beggining of this year we were hanging out casually when he told me that he was waiting for me to "* or get off the pot" and decide if I wanted to be in a relationship with him. I was confused by this because he previously had told me he wanted to take things slow. I told him that yes, I liked him a lot and that I really wanted to be in a relationship with him and to make it work between us. However, that night was followed by a two month period of radio silence. I figured he had left me like the previous times and I've been trying to move on since then.

He recently reached out saying that he wasn't sure if I ever wanted to talk with him again but that he had been reading a book about mindfulness and was sending positive vibes my way. I'm so confused by this and I have no idea how to respond. It's like the narrative of our relationship gets flipped and I have no idea who he is from one day to the next. It's been so painful and confusing to try to make sense of it all and I'm not the best communicator which just adds to everything. It feels like I always misunderstand him and that I'm doing something wrong but I have no idea what that might be. He has told me in the past that I am too aloof, too needy, codependent, too emotionally unstable etc. and I've been trying to improve myself by going to therapy and reading up on codependency and trying to use CBT techniques. I feel so strongly attracted to him but this on/off cycle is wearing me down emotionally and I feel so stressed out. My friends and therapist have recommended that I move away from him but I obviously have a hard time doing that. I really want this time to be different. Any advice on how to resist going back? 

[Rev]

He recently reached out saying that he wasn't sure if I ever wanted to talk with him again but that he had been reading a book about mindfulness and was sending positive vibes my way. I'm so confused by this and I have no idea how to respond. It's like the narrative of our relationship gets flipped and I have no idea who he is from one day to the next. It's been so painful and confusing to try to make sense of it all and I'm not the best communicator which just adds to everything. It feels like I always misunderstand him and that I'm doing something wrong but I have no idea what that might be. He has told me in the past that I am too aloof, too needy, codependent, too emotionally unstable etc. and I've been trying to improve myself by going to therapy and reading up on codependency and trying to use CBT techniques. I feel so strongly attracted to him but this on/off cycle is wearing me down emotionally and I feel so stressed out. My friends and therapist have recommended that I move away from him but I obviously have a hard time doing that. I really want this time to be different. Any advice on how to resist going back?  

MapSack ...

Hi... welcome... my word I so relate to everything you write... right down the numerous break ups and the magnetic attraction. For me, it was like she was a drug I needed to break free from.  And like an alcoholic who one day hits the wall and just decides to do what is necessary, my ex crossed a line for the last time and I just knew that was going to be it.

From there, here's what I did in concrete terms to not go back once again, or to make excuses or to fall prey to yet another charm - an believe me, she tried everything.

1) I made a list of the worst part of our relationship and every time I would start to miss her, I would read it.

2) I stayed off alcohol and got lots of exercise.

3) I had three friends hold me accountable.

4) I found a playlist of pop psychology youtubers that I listened to so much I almost knew them by heart.

And of course, like you, I did therapy.

My friend, from what you write here, it would seem that you've got to tough it out until you completely de-tox from him. For me, it took about six months to get to the first stage and another year for the ruminations to stop. But once I got past the first six months, which were painful, then things go progressively easier.

I hope this helps.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time. There are great people here.

Rev