SO has BPD symptoms...tips to improve relationship

[Kistra713]

Good morning =)

This is my first post here, so it might be a bit long! Wanted to give as complete of a story as I could.

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and we live together. I didn't know much about BPD before coming across the definition of it, and he fits a lot of the traits, even though he's never been formally diagnosed. He said his mother is bipolar, but it sounds like she could have BPD as well. He also had a very abusive and rough childhood, and an ex that cheated on him, so I'm sure that contributed a lot to it. He admitted to me that he had insecurities and anger issues, but I didn't think it would be like this.

I can be passive and codependent as well, tend to "mother" people in need, and have always had trouble asserting and maintaining boundaries, so I know that doesn't help things. Because I didn't understand much about BPD, and not knowing how to deal with his tantrums and wanting to avoid an episode of verbal abuse and false accusations, I ended up lying to him twice. Once was about my friend who didn't like him, but I told him she did because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. The second time involved an old male friend who messaged me out of the blue, and I knew my boyfriend wouldn't believe me if I told him that I really hadn't been talking to the guy before that. I came clean both times but I did shatter his already fragile trust, so that's been causing some issues as well. 

He idealized me in the beginning, and now switches between idealization and devaluing me. He has intense fits of rage over even the smallest of things (especially when things don't go his way), has very low self-esteem and calls himself a "worthless POS" and that he's "destined to be alone anyway", he has a history of addiction (to alcohol, marijuana, gambling, cigarettes, but he is trying his best to manage those now), can be very impulsive (changes plans on a whim, will make big purchases and decisions without thinking them through, etc), he blames 90% of things that go wrong on me, very sensitive to any kind of criticism, and he can be very moody - complimenting me and being loving, and then an hour later, if something doesn't go his way or as he expected, there's a sudden shift into anger and blaming. He also has major issues with boundaries placed on him, because he doesn't like to be "controlled" or told what to do, because it makes him want to rebel and do it less. 

Several times, I've caught him looking through my phone because he "had a bad feeling" that I was talking to other men, which has never been true (I used to keep in touch periodically with male friends, but he knew about them all, and I have stopped talking to them). He can also be very paranoid and jealous, and when the paranoia hits, there is NO talking to or reasoning with him, even if he has no evidence. I can go visit my mom, share my GPS location with him, he'll hear me confirming plans with her over the phone, even hear her talking or her dog barking when I call him once I arrive, I always come back when I say I will, and he STILL won't believe me and think I snuck off to meet another guy. Again, sometimes he's fine, sometimes he'll just inexplicably get paranoid. He'll look for any little thing to "confirm" his suspicions: A blocked message from an old male friend, one of my exes called me on a new number, and I told him to go away and stop calling, and blocked him.   

Our relationship has been very dramatic as a result of all of this, and he's threatened to break up several times, and threatened suicide once when I took him up on one of his threats. I called the police on him and he never did it again. He's also had moments where he's switched from being loving to being cruel, including threatening to kick me out of a car in the middle of a highway because he thought I was flirting with another guy, and nothing I said or did convinced him otherwise.

Outside of all this, he can be very sweet, considerate, kind, and loving, and I know that deep down, he cares a lot about me and others, and that he does love me and wants desperately to make it work.

I have NO idea how to deal with all this, the fits of rage, the devaluing, the false accusations that I'm cheating. I know I can always walk away when he gets verbally abusive or disrespectful, but I know that will just lead to accusations that I ran off to meet another guy and that I'm deleting the evidence. I know I need to set boundaries and stick to them and stop trying to give in to his every demand that he makes on the spur of the moment.

What are some things that's worked for you all? Any tips on how to get them into treatment without overtly asking them to (especially if they're denying a problem at all, or are stubborn and won't go just because you're "making" them). Appreciate any advice and insight!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

He sounds like he might also have a great amount of paranoia, perhaps PPD in addition to BPD. These relationships are difficult and it’s not easy to motivate a partner to seek treatment. Even if they do, often they’ll quit when the therapist challenges them to initiate some changes.

Here’s an article about how these relationships change over time:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[Kistra713]

Thank you, Cat Familiar, for the link. After reading this forum and other members' experiences, and also educating myself more on BPD, I'm beginning to understand more why he behaves the way he does.

I don't know if he has PPD...I looked that up and he doesn't really fit it. He does fit in with the BPD stress-related paranoia, *especially* when he thinks I'm "acting different". But that's another topic more fitting for a different thread =)

[St Jude]

Welcome to the community, and sorry to hear about the troubles.  I unfortunately understand all your troubles far too well.

I have been with my husband for about 7 years now.  Most days are good these days, but he has an underlying fear of abandonment and agonizes over his friendships and the feeling that he doesn’t have enough friends.  I know you didn’t mention that specifically on your post, but when his angry fits became less and less (but still exist) and his jealousy issues became far less (but still exist), we’re left with his inability to maintain friendships with people that he doesn’t see on a constant basis, despite the fact that he has made many good friends along the way... and his complaints and agony over this.

The point I’m making is that even though we’ve gotten past the bulk of the issues you described, it’s still a rough road and a lot of work.  I love the guy, he’s such an amazing person on so many levels and I wish he could be free of his struggles.

Best advice to you, please stand your ground and use firm boundaries.  Do not give in to his angry outburst.  Remember your self worth and that you deserve to be treated with respect.

[once removed]

you have a very jealous boyfriend.

most of us have abnormally jealous partners. i did. it was rough.

yours is a bit higher on that spectrum than mine. for me, it was a persistent, and consistent problem. my aim is to give you hope and tools here, but also to be frank with you, that this will likely always be a persistent and consistent problem for you.

evidence of your not cheating isnt going to cut it. when youre dealing with a person who is dysregulating, it may even make things worse, as it sounds like youve seen. you wont convince him out of this. you wont evidence him out of this. while extra reassurance is vital to loving someone with inherently low self esteem and trust, and you should learn how and when to give it, you cant reassure or love him out of this. knowing that is, frankly, half the battle. if you choose this relationship, you should know that navigating this issue is primarily about coping, not making things worse, and hoping for the best, rather than eliminating it.

I ended up lying to him twice. Once was about my friend who didn't like him, but I told him she did because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. The second time involved an old male friend who messaged me out of the blue, and I knew my boyfriend wouldn't believe me if I told him that I really hadn't been talking to the guy before that. I came clean both times but I did shatter his already fragile trust, so that's been causing some issues as well.

likewise, know that for someone with BPD, there is an inherent lack of trust, and a tendency toward a confirmation bias...looking for things that validate that lack of trust. understand that i dont say this to scold you (i, personally, went outside of my relationship and my ex found out), but that it will be a long time, if ever, that he forgets about this. and frankly, you shouldnt expect him to.

a good place to start would be with this workshop. it involves several of us who have been in very jealous relationships, tools, lessons learned: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

i would urge you though, above all of that, to assess the differences between the two of you, and what its going to take in order to meet in the middle, if possible. it is really not as simple as "set boundaries". your relationship has lacked them all along. trying to introduce them now, while a vital part of a healthier trajectory, will necessarily rock the boat (make things worse), and you need to determine what is realistic, and you need to do it together, in harmony, if possible.

[Kistra713]

Welcome to the community, and sorry to hear about the troubles.  I unfortunately understand all your troubles far too well.

I have been with my husband for about 7 years now.  Most days are good these days, but he has an underlying fear of abandonment and agonizes over his friendships and the feeling that he doesn’t have enough friends.  I know you didn’t mention that specifically on your post, but when his angry fits became less and less (but still exist) and his jealousy issues became far less (but still exist), we’re left with his inability to maintain friendships with people that he doesn’t see on a constant basis, despite the fact that he has made many good friends along the way... and his complaints and agony over this.

The point I’m making is that even though we’ve gotten past the bulk of the issues you described, it’s still a rough road and a lot of work.  I love the guy, he’s such an amazing person on so many levels and I wish he could be free of his struggles.

Best advice to you, please stand your ground and use firm boundaries.  Do not give in to his angry outburst.  Remember your self worth and that you deserve to be treated with respect.

Thank you! It's nice to be in a community where everyone has similar experiences and understands what we're going through. I have trouble talking to my family or friends about it, because their advice is generally "Why do you put up with that? Leave him and find someone better." I read something once about experiencing the highest highs and lowest lows when you have a pwBPD, and it definitely fits very well here.

I also used to take all the angry and jealous outbursts personally, but now I just chalk it up to dysregulation and his inability to maturely deal with his emotions, and I just let it slide off my back. I also have a mom like this (not BPD though, but stubborn, critical and always had to be right. Fortunately she's much better now), so I got used to letting it go in one ear and out the other.

My boyfriend definitely has friends who have his back and like your SO, he has made many good friends during his life. He has a lot of drinking buddies and acquaintances and the like, but his close friends are far and few in between.