The shoe dropped

[KBug]

I've been writing about my 22 year old stepdaughter on this forum.  I was concerned a month ago that she had gone off her meds. She also moved out of our house and back to her mother's house after she had spent several nights staying up late and crying/agonizing with me about how miserable she is.  I don't know what exactly I said to her that lead her to go to her mom's house but our later conversations were about how her use of alcohol and pot use are harming her because of their possible impacts on young adult brain development and their possible side effects of exacerbating depression and/or anxiety. It wasn't an angry exchange-mostly matter of fact. She did get upset when I offered to take her to a 12 step program if she wanted me to. Anyway, since then, she can't tolerate being around me. I haven't communicated with her for a month. She's texting her dad on a limited basis.

I knew that what happened would likely lead to a crisis and hospitalization. It's her pattern.  Tonight, she took 10 of her lithium and immediately called 911, so she was likely attention seeking rather than threatening suicide.  She's probably feeling really jealous and ashamed that her younger brother is becoming more independent and living the life that she wants. She's been really nasty to him and demanding that her mother kick her brother out of the house or that her mother pay for her to get her own apartment. Part of me is glad that all this drama is happening at the ex's house and not at our house and I want to stay out of the storm.  

The other part of me wants to reach out to her and find some ways to support her. I'm not giving her money to get her own place. She's welcome to live with us and her mother will let her live at her house, too. We have college money for her but we will only pay tuition and books.  Her mother, against our wishes, gave her enough money when she turned 18 for living expenses for 4 years but she blew through that money quickly even though she has been living at home. I've texted her that I love her and that it sounds like she is going through a difficult time but I haven't gotten a response. I'm not sure what appropriate support looks like or effective ways to reach out to her.  Do any of you have suggestions that might help me think about how to love her through this storm without enabling her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

I've only seen one of my far-too-many pwBPDs at that age - and the one thing that stands out for me is how much she absolutely loved restaurants even though she rarely spoke about it. Could bribe her to anything if it ended in "and the guy at work gave me a $50 Taco Bell gift card and I thought you and I could go see if it's possible to order that much TB food and take it to the park and eat it, haha". Suddenly, game to talk about boyfriends, suicide attempts, future plans, going back to school, quitting drugs...because there was $50 of Taco Bell, or a "Drive your sister to her ball game and then pick up the order at Cabela's and then I'll meet you at the Chinese buffet for an early dinner and drop you back at that other place?", etc.

May not work, but passing on one of the very few secrets that worked, .

It shocks me that stomach pumping and such isn't handled...a little more roughly than necessary, to dissuade people from such attention-seeking behavior.

[KBug]

LOL!  Great idea!  I can always bribe the kids with food.  That's how we still get them to come over once a week even though they are in college.  You are the good kind of evil genius!  I'll give it a try. 

[PearlsBefore]

"The Good Kind of Evil Genius", I may need to print new business cards ;)

(PS: There was never really a co-worker who gave me such a giftcard, I invented the story to explain the giftcard I purchased about one hour beforehand!)