ex trying to ruin my life, help appreciated

[turtleturtle4444]

I  dont know how coherent this will be, this situation exploded from this morning and it feels like my life is imploding all around me.

Its been nearly two years since it ended, me and my exBPD of two and a half years. The breakup all happened really fast and it was all over in a moment's notice because my mom interfered and told me that this fight was the last fight. We went to her house and got all my stuff and blocked her on everything subsequently and have tried to live a better life since then. She tried to get in contact with me, but I went no contact despite the pain it brought me. I had to change my cell number, my home phone number, my mom's cell number because she called every day in the middle of the night for two months.

It took me a long time to realize I was abused and how bad it truly was, and it has been a journey trying to recover from this, and dealing with a lot of the negative things I feel I have done. coping is hard. I didn't want to look back on it and convince myself to go back because it was so nice feeling like she wanted me to stay and was sorry and would treat me better. I convinced myself that I was better without it and cut her out.

Since then, I have gone thru tremendous lengths to keep her out of my life, privating all my social media and blocking her new accounts so that she can't contact me. I just don't want it in my life anymore. She contacted my friends and tried to get to me through them, and flipped on them when they wouldn't give in, which I am thankful for. I am happy that I have good friends.
I thought I was in the clear and have worked to lower my guard through all of this, not wear the armor and all that. Let people in, forgive myself and apologize to others I feel I have wronged. through this process there have been a lot of people who I have had to cut out of my life because they're too close to her and they side with her. It sort of destroyed my last friend group.

I made some comment about her, not by name, a vague reference to my ex-girlfriend and a comment about our sex life. One of the people I used to be friends with reached out and said it was completely horrible, exBPD also reached out to them as well and told them they were despicable. They took it down.
She's decided that she wants to take her wrath out on me (and my close group of friends, though it has only been me so far) she's now sending my girlfriend and her friend some of the stupid messages I sent as a teenager in groupchats, and to her. She's threatening to post whatever messages her and her friends can find on her story which sucks a lot.

I shared some of the messages she sent to my girlfriend and her friend and it's cropped to make me look horrible, it's a message from what I assume is a fight of me threatening her that if she doesn't stop whatever she is doing I will attack her or egg her on to kill herself or leave. It's an awful message and I really wish I didn't send it, but I can't change that now. I see it as me trying to get her to stop whatever abuse she is doing to me, but I don't have the rest of the fight, she only sent the one message because she is trying to pain the worst picture of me. I lashed out at her because of how horrible it all was, I told her she had to stop what she was doing or she was gonna push me over the edge, I just wanted the abuse to stop and I just wanted my girlfriend to love me.I don't remember sending the message and it's not true based on the things I did in the future. She was suicidal and blaming me and all this months later and I called the police and made sure that she survived. She wants everyone who I am close to turn on me and hate me like she does and it's really painful because I don't want all of my acquaintances to get random messages from my BPDex about the worst dirt she can dig up on me from what seems like a lifetime ago. Day or night I was there for her, moments where I left social events to see her, had my mom drive me to her house in the middle of the night to sleep there because she felt horrible, she prevented me from going to some events too... It's all so much.

Looking back it's hard for me to try and wholly shame myself for the things I said or the beliefs I had even though I can look back now and identify that they're wrong and I would have realized that with a good conversation about it. Someone explaining to me why my beliefs were wrong // prejudicial. During the relationship, it felt like any issue would be swept under the rug and any opportunity for growth was squandered. I was so swept up in the relationship and all the stupid things I felt I had to care about, I was made the bad guy in many situations over issues that I don't care about because she made me the bad guy in that moment. She wanted to get a piercing and called me while I was at school yelling at me that she got the piercing, she didn’t care what I think and I am horrible. We hadn't talked about this at all beforehand and she was very impulsive, I thought it was my role in the relationship to be her caretaker and make sure she didn't do anything she would regret. The phone call put me in a place where my assumed position was that I was against it, and any sort of "hey can we talk about it" on my part was taken as me being evil. its a lot of situations like that where I feel like because the overall relationship was such a cesspool of garbage with the toxic back and forth that I come off looking like a horrible person. It makes me really sad. One of my friends told me the messages she shared of me were abusive and I know they're not, I don't want my closest friendships to be ruined because of this. they were a big part of how I got through it ending the first time, I don't want them to leave me.

I have forgotten most of what she did to me in the time since, and what I can remember seems like a fever dream. It's so alien to me. I don't want this to start again. Before it was behind closed doors, now she is actively trying to ruin all of my relationships both privately and publicly. I don't want to have to deal with this, I don't want someone to try to ruin my life. this is awful. I was starting to get comfortable with my life.

I don't know what to do, I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow so I'll talk about all of this then, venting has been helpful because I worry that anyone I talk to about this will take her side immediately and then the people around me then start to attack me and side with her.

tl;dr: exBPD after two years is spreading old messages from 3-4 years ago to acquaintances and publicly on social media. Finding the worst messages possible and painting me in a horrible light. Have grown a lot since then and wouldn't say a lot of the things I said then, was very mentally ill at the time. I worry that everyone will see me as a horrible person and that people I care about will turn on me. She's trying to hurt me with whatever she can find and I just want someone to believe me and not pile onto it all.

Any response is appreciated, thanks for reading

[GaGrl]

Are you willing to shut down your social media for awhile?

[turtleturtle4444]

yeah, Im in the process of doing that right now. I deleted my facebook and made a new one with only the people I need, I'm gonna do the same for the rest of my social media. It sucks, but I know it'll be better in the future

[cash05458]

it is simple...move on...cut off everything...ignore...take your pick...but do it if you want a chance...with BDP's there really is no choice...

[Cnvi]

First off I'm sorry this is happening to you, from what you've shared it sounds like the relationship was very toxic and your ex definitely has a victim mentality and likes to paint you as the villain.

This isn't really a solution or anything, but it's hard for people who don't have the experience level with BPD that we do to properly grasp the level of mental anguish that we were going through in that chapter of our lives.

Yeah, you said some bad stuff, and she is more than likely cropping these conversations to make you look as bad as possible. If that isn't a solid appraisal of where she is in her life then I don't know what is, you clearly made the right choice to get away from this person. No matter how hard things get right now, that fact is a thread you can hold on to in the darkness. Imagine how much more chaotic things could be right now if she was still in your life actively?

I find it hard to express to my friends sometimes the mental depletion that I would deal with in my relationship, sometimes after several hours of my ex telling me she's going to kill herself and she's useless and a failure, although I would never say it out loud, I did hear a voice in the back of my head saying things like "If you're going to do it, then do it." but I think it was moreso because I knew that she was kind of full of it, and she was holding the suicide card to control me and get me to do what she wanted.

When you deal with the tornado that can be an untreated pwBPD you end up a caretaker who generally has to focus on the other so much that they lose sight of their own feelings, and you're put in so many insanely stressful and mentally exhausting situations, sometimes daily, that it can make you numb in some senses.

You aren't the person you were then, not by any means, and if these people are your close friends and they've delt with your ex before (you said she freaked out on them when they wouldnt be a proxy to contact you, so clearly these people have your back) then don't give into the fear mind that they are all going to turn against you. Meeting with a therapist is a great call, walk them through all of this, and help them formulate your defense. Write out an explanation that you want your friends to understand and then talk to them either individually or as a group (your T will tell you which they think is better), explain your side of it and then answer any questions they have.

These people stood by you before, have faith that they will again. One thing my T helped me turn into a mini-mantra when I was separating from my ex was "I can only speak my truth with kindness, this is all I can do, and this is the only healthy way forward for me."