When the other parent/guardian is emotionally abusive

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey everyone.

This post involves my sister, but I am posting here for advice from people who have to co-parent with people who have BPD traits.

For context, my older sister (who has PD traits including BPD and covert narcissism) has guardianship of my oldest kids. I have custody of my youngest. I am beginning the long process of seeking to regain custody, though she doesn't know that is the ultimate goal. She thinks I am just wanting to increase my visitation with them (that's just the beginning).

My D14 just texted me and asked me if I ever think she is a "bad kid" or a freak. I told her absolutely not, never, and asked if she feels that she is.

She said that she drank one of my sister's sodas and my sister called her a "freak" and a "stupid a** kid" and said she was selfish.

She said my sister always gets mad at her and she doesn't know what to do anymore. She thought she could just hold out until graduating and then leave, but she doesn't know if she can wait that long because my sister "makes her feel useless".

For context, my D14 is not a bad kid. She is the parentified kid to her four younger siblings. She babysits, takes responsibility for her siblings, does her chores, does her homework, doesn't rebel, tries very hard to be perfect (to win approval).

I tried to be validating and not jump on the triangle, but I don't know that I did it very well.

I told her that I could see how that would hurt her feelings and that I have experienced that kind of pain too (I didn't tell her my sister was the one who had said things like that to me, though she has). I told her that her value does not depend on her ability to do everything perfectly and that I love her.

Was this the right approach? I feel like I may have done some things better. I tried to stay away from comments about my sister and just validate my daughter's feelings. I may have stepped into rescuing a little bit.

What do you do when your kids tell you about hurtful things the other parent (in this case, guardian) says to them?

[I Am Redeemed]

I discussed this with my T. She feels that I handled it well. I guess I will try the same approach if future events occur.

[alleyesonme]

Tough situation and tough question here, and I applaud you for fighting for your kids.

My stbEX says and does some extremely inappropriate things to our D, and it always puts me in a tough spot. On one hand, there's the goal of trying to avoid contradicting or criticizing the other parent. On the other hand, your child needs to know that those things aren't true, aren't acceptable, and that you'll never say/do them.

What I typically do is to validate first, and then when the tension has died down a bit, then calmly talk about how untrue and/or inappropriate that behavior was. I don't explicitly tell her that I would never say or do that, but she knows that and even tells me that she knows that.

[alleyesonme]

Also, document as much as you can. If these are text messages, make sure to save them. If they're in-person conversations, try to record them if possible (assuming that's legal in your state - check with an attorney first), or at the very least, jot down what was said as soon as possible and then send it to your attorney immediately.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, alleyesonme!

I tried in the moment to remember what I've learned from these boards. I tried to focus on validation, and empathy without criticizing, as you said.

It's hard because my sister raised me (she's over 20 years my senior) and what my daughter said was triggering. There's also the natural instinct to jump in and protect, but I have to be careful about how I do that. I feel pretty powerless to change the situation at this instant, which is what I want to do. It's a process, and I did what I could in the moment.

These messages were texts, and I saved them.

I can see my daughter having the same thought processes I did at her age and even years after; these are thought processes I have worked diligently in therapy to unpack and untwist. If I can be one stable,  supportive voice to her in the midst of emotional abuse, then that's more than I had at her age. Studies have shown that a stable and supportive adult can buffer some of the trauma of adverse childhood experiences and help foster resilience.

[formflier]

Depending on how often you get to have conversations with D14, I would ask your T about this wisdom of...

1.  Listen the way you did, I'm in agreement that you handled it well.

2.  Come back around later, when things are "neutral" and then you intentionally bring it up again.  Tone is very matter of fact.  "Hey D14...been thinking about our conversation the other day about drinking that soda (I would shy way from reminding her of exact words used against her).  You know D14 it used to bother me a lot more when people would say things about me  I know aren't true.  I try my best to realize those words are really more about themselves than me.  Of course it still hurts, but helps me move on."

Clarity...probably not something to try to handle via text.  Great time to put your hand on her arm or shoulder for an encouraging rub/pat.

For me...I need to work on listening, so I'm deliberate to "stay in the moment" with a kid (and adults) and listen.  With adults I will normally pivot and ask if it's a good time for advice or if they want advice.  Kids won't know what to say to that.

So...I make sure I listen and validate some and then give it a day or two.  Circle back and make 1 or 2 big points (really try to stick with 1)...and then move on.  Let them incorporate it.

Maybe a week later ask "Hey...how are things going with the soda conversation?"  Make sure you have time for the dam to bust...or them to say "Oh..fine.  Can I have more ice cream?"  Roll with it either way.

Best,

FF

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, FF. I'm just now starting to have more in-person contact with the kids since the pandemic.

D14 may be babysitting for S5 when my fall grad school classes return to face-to-face, so perhaps I can start trying conversations like this. I prefer not to say too much via text in case my sister reads D14's texts.

I did tell her I was working to get all the things accomplished that my lawyer says I will need in order to get the judge to extend my parenting time to overnight visitation. I told her that would give her some time away and give my sister a break from all the kids (true, but I wonder if this was rescuing...my T didn't think it was, at least not in a bad way).

Biggest hurdle will be finding a bigger house. I currently have a 2 bedroom and my lawyer said this particular judge will require a 5 bedroom.

More in-person contact without my sister present will give me opportunities to be supportive of D14. It's hard when most of our communication is text.