I'm willing to understand

[Wifeofbpd22]

Hello,

I'm a 38/F married to a 46/f. We've been married 13 years and it's becoming painstakingly obvious that she exhibits a lot of traits of BPD. She has never been diagnosed and probably will never seek help.

The past couple months I've noticed she's been more depressed and her moods change rapidly. The reason I'm here today is because she recently expressed an interest in having sex with men. We've talked about it at length and I'm ok with working this out but it's the insatiable need for male attention that is shocking to me.

Of course this is only part of the story but I don't want to write a novel yhe first post.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Welcome!  This is an amazing forum, with many people that are experts and quite helpful.  The information on the broader site can help you navigate the difficulties of living with a person with BPD as well.

I wasn't sure if you had a question, are seeking advice, or just introducing yourself and your situation.  Can you tell us more?

For what it's worth, my W is bi-sexual and spends inordinate amount of time online pursuing other relationships.  Many with BPD feel there is a "void" or "black hole" that can never be filled.  My W tends to fill it with women/other men, shopping, or food.  Her time with others feels generally for the attention, though she calls it her need for "social" that she can't get any other way.  With her it is not about the sex, though it does sometimes but rarely lead there.  When she starts to feel guilty, she pushes me into "dating" then goes into violent angry rages if I actually enjoy myself with someone else.  I stopped dating years ago though she still tells everyone we have an "open" relationship.  Hopefully your experience will not lead down this path...

Just know that you are not alone, and you've come to the right place.

[Wifeofbpd22]

Thank you for your response. I guess I was pretty vague in my first post. I guess I didn't know where to start.

My wife is also bisexual however she has also been sexually abused. She explained to me that when she has sex with a man it's about Control and power. It's just been hard because she was with two guys in 3 days and then after she does it I can see she feels miserable and she projects that on me.  I just feel terrible that she feels she has to do that to feel something.

I have learned a lot already from this site and a couple books recommended to me. I guess my next step is trying to learn how to stand up to when she gets mad at me for silly things.

Anyways I'll leave it at that for now. Thanks again.

[Ventak]

You may want to search the site for the advice on "JADE"ing, it gives you tools on how to deal with the BPD anger.  My life would be much better if I had learned those techniques years ago.

[Cat Familiar]

Excellent suggestion from Ventak. Here’s a link to JADEing and why doing this is unproductive

[Wifeofbpd22]

Is this kind of sexual behavior common with people with BPD. I can kind of understand that need to fill a void or to just feel anything but then again I wonder why sex with me doesn't fill a void. When she gets these urges to control/have sex with men she pulls away from intimacy with me.

This is all very confusing. I am still reading and learning and am going to start spending time working on me and making sure I am my best. Does pulling away from my BPDw give her the idea that I am abandoning her? 

[Cat Familiar]

I was previously married to a BPD partner who thought he should be able to have sex with any woman he wanted. He was surprisingly good at eliciting their cooperation. This was devastating to me.

There’s no end to that void and no amount of sex with others is ever going to fulfill that need.

Yes, I think this type of compulsive behavior is common. Maybe not sex, but fill in the blank with shopping, gambling, drugs or alcohol, social media addiction, etc.

I think the question that better serves you is how is this affecting you, rather than if pulling away from her feels like abandonment.

You are tolerating behavior that most would find objectionable. You sanction her acting out sexually with others and she gets mad at you for silly things?

Perhaps it’s time for you to think about what behaviors you are rewarding by your compliance.

[Wifeofbpd22]

@Cat, thank you for your response. The sex with men is not a regular occurrence it has only happened one other time in our relationship and we ended up splitting up because she lied about the whole thing.

This time she has been open with me about what she needs to do and I can be accommodating to a point because I would rather her be honest about it. I have always been open to open relationships so that part is not the issue. It just bothers me that she feels like she needs to have that power/control of them to feel. She exhibits other types of compulsive behavior such as excessive spending and recently excessive drinking.

I would say that it has affected me poorly for about a week because I see how negatively affects her. It is hard to watch someone you love hurt that badly.

When I ask about the abandonment I am referring to me in the next week focusing on me and exercising and not sitting around the house all day while she wallows. Since she has now successfully slept with two guys and still feels like absolute crap. She does not lash out at me in rage she mostly just withdraws and stays in the room or sits in silence. I don't think its healthy for me to sit around and watch her wallow so I was thinking I was going to start some projects and start exercising again. I was wondering if she sees that as abandonment?   

I don't know much, I'm still new at this. The last time she had this issue I didn't know what caused it and now I feel a little more informed.

[Cat Familiar]

I think you need to focus on yourself and do what you need to do to stay healthy, both physically and emotionally.

Partners with BPD can be very draining emotionally and you are under no obligation to play nursemaid to her while she’s moping.

It’s so easy for us nons to try to coddle our BPD partners so they don’t have a dysregulation, don’t get depressed, don’t get angry, don’t explode, don’t do self harm, etc.

But doing that, reinforces the idea in their minds that it’s all about them, which is something that preoccupies their consciousness already.

Asserting your own needs, assuring her that she’s fully capable of self soothing, letting her know you have confidence in her handling her emotional needs—these are ways to help her develop skills and assurance that she needs in order to be a more functional human being.

That said, if she’s accustomed to you managing her emotions, be prepared for her to complain and possibly throw a fit when you hand back that role to her. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.

[Wifeofbpd22]

Update: I have found a counselor and look forward to speaking to her and learning better ways to communicate with my BPD wife. I have also read a few books and watched some seminars on BPD and I have found that information very helpful.

My wife of course knows non of this because I believe she would have a complete rager if she found out I thought she had BPD. I think that learning how those with BPD think has been extremely helpful in understanding my wife. For a long time I thought she was just being a jerk but now I can put together all the pieces and see she is in severe pain and trying anything to feel something.