Newbie here struglling with break up with bpd ex girlfriend

[Tommy68]

Hi everyone,

Hope everyone is doing ok. This is my first post here. So here goes.
Basically, my bpd ex, whom I'd been in a relationship with for 18 months or so, split with me on New Years Day, 5 months ago now! It wasn't the first time, and she had split with me before, but for only 6 weeks the first time. This time, it's been 5 months, and she has totally blocked me out of her life, blocked me on her phone and on her social media. To her, I do not exist! I loved her dearly, and still do! In fact, the pain inside gets worse as time goes on, not better! She split with me, because basically, I did not want to argue with her, over something quite petty really, but she pushed me into a corner, where I just left her house, and came back to my own flat (we live separately, but very nearby to each other). In hindsight, I should've just given her a cuddle and told her everything is ok, but sometimes, I'd do things wrong in the heat of the moment, like walk out, when it get too tough and at times, she could make it very difficult, and I'd panic and walk away, hurt though, back to my flat. It didn't mean I never loved her though, cos I did deeply! And the next day, I'd always be the one trying to make up. But this time, the last time, she has cut me out of her life completely, and I just don't know what to do? She split with me by sending me a short text, saying it's over and we'll never get back together again! And that was that! No chance for me to have any say whatsoever! And that was at the start of this years lockdown! So I had that to deal with too, living on my own, being dumped and not having much support.
And I just cannot cope with it or get my head round it! In the main we got on! We were good together, but our differences, our views on stuff, on the world, she took as a declaration that I did not love her, when really I love her dearly! And I truly believed, knowing she has bpd, is that if I showed her by actions, that I loved her, that, that would hopefully show through how much I did love her. I took her on holiday abroad last year, we got engaged (she made the rings on a jewellery course), I took her to Cornwall to see her family (she doesn't drive), as she hadn't seen them for a long time, because of the covid pandemic, I'd take her and her young kids places, to the beach etc! And I'd do so much more for her, her shopping, buy her things she wanted and so on! There's so much more, but, she has just cut me off, out of her life, and it's now as if I'm dead in her mind! It's killing me! I've done my best to respect her wishes, to respect the boundaries she has put up, but, she never gave me a chance to let her know how I feel, or has not once, given me a chance to communicate my feelings at all! So twice now, since January 1st, I've written to her twice, explaining my feelings for her, that I love her dearly and that this is hurting badly. But no response whatsoever! And like I said, I live so close to her, but cannot reach out and show her the love I have for her. I see her walking down the street, when I'm out driving somewhere. I pass her young kids in the street, and they totally blank me, which hurts, cos I was nothing but a friend to them! It's all so toxic and so sad, but I know that she loved me, because she done so much for me, and I loved that she was so caring at most times towards me. She could be so loving but then she could be so cutting sometimes too! But I love her still! It's her birthday in a few weeks, and I just don't know if I should put a card through her door, to let her know I'm thinking of her, or should I just leave it and try to forget her (which I'll never do) and just get on with my life (not that it's that great anymore). Everything I do now in my life, I miss her, and want her there with me! I've had much longer relationships in the past, with people I really care about, loved and respected, but this has hurt more, because, well, as everyone knows, there is no closure with a bpd break up. No communication, no answers, no nothing, just pain, confusion and more pain! I just don't know what to do? Anyway, thanks for reading this and wish I could be saying hello in better circumstances. Thanks everyone X

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[once removed]

i was in a similar position to you when i arrived here around 11 years ago.

my ex broke up with me. she pretty quickly got in a new relationship, so there was really nothing for us to say, or talk about. but i wanted her back, for months.

there are two very difficult parts of your circumstances. the first is that it has been five months. it is rare, although not unheard of, to reconcile after a period that long. the second is that you are blocked at every avenue, so there is little you can do in terms of actual steps you can take to get her back.

but there are two pieces of advice that apply in pretty much every situation. the first is that the best way to get someone back is to build up your life and become the best version of yourself. if she were to suddenly talk to her tomorrow, youd want her to see that. the hard part is that for a while, its very draining, because it feels like it revolves around them, but then it starts to become routine, and you feel better. the second is dont chase. if you have sent two letters and she hasnt responded, dont send more.

i suspect though, that a large part of what has you feeling this way is the nature of the breakup and the hard cut off. its very hard to know what to do with those feelings. unfortunately, its a brutal way to break up with someone, and its also an increasingly common one. its not easy, but there are ways to adapt and to move through it. i tend to think doing that part would help you the most, in the short term and the long term.

[HealingTee]

Hi Tommy68,

Me and my exBPD fiancé also broke up on New Years day! Its been almost 5 months since the breakup and we were together for 15 months.

You could probably read my story on my profile. I have a few posts on here already. Me and my ex had a very nasty breakup which included a smear campaign against me. Throughout the 5 months separated, we have been in no contact almost the entire time (we did make contact in April to retrieve some of my things, I wrote about that story in another post).

I want to let you know that I completely understand what you’re going through. I loved my ex deeply and when he wasn’t being triggered, he was the most caring, loving, sweetest guy you could ever meet. This is what makes a breakup with a BPD partner so confusing and devastating, but it helps to remain mindful that our ex partners are very mentally ill. The illness drives our exBPDs to behave irrationally and abnormally. It’s difficult for us non-BPD people to understand and wrap our brains around their behavior.

I also missed my ex like crazy after the breakup. The pain of missing him and wanting him was unbearable. I was very depressed and felt empty and lost without him BUT i’m finally at a place now where the pain is fading. I no longer miss him as much and I don’t feel as much love for him as I did before.

What helped me to get past the breakup was to focus on fixing my codependency. For the most part, people who are in a relationship with a BPD partner tend to be codependent. I discovered that I am very codependent and I actually started going to therapy for it. I been in therapy for a month now and it has helped me tremendously to get past this breakup and to self improve. I think therapy would be something good for you to try out and to help you get past your current situation.

Focusing on yourself and having yourself become your source of happiness is key. I also recommend that you check out A.J Mahari’s youtube channel, she know’s a lot about BPD and has worked with many clients who have been discarded/ghosted by a BPD ex.

I hope this helps and best of luck to you!