Embarrassed of me - is this a normal BPD thing?

[johnsang]

Another question here... my 20 year marriage to my BPD husband and this came up last night - a very familiar narrative for us.

We were watching our freshman son's basketball game - and the other team made a beautiful 3 point basket.  I clapped.  He whispers to me "OMG, that's so embarrassing". Later that evening, we had a "normal BPD conversation" for about an hour - high intensity, high volume, lots of thoughts, not a lot of straight logic - about how embarrassing and cringe-worthy I am.  This is absolutely not new to me. At this point, I don't care at all about his embarrassment of my natural expression. I'm happy to own this behavior, and I will always applaud a good moment of sport - and if he is embarrassed, we can choose to sits in different parts of the gym. He feels this is very disrespectful of his feelings.

Is this a BPD thing? Is anyone else's BPD partner embarrassed and quick to tell you about how embarrassing you are to them, especially in public? Or is this just my husband? 

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[Jabiru]

Yes, sounds like normal behavior for a pwBPD. I recently went through a similar experience with my wife and later at home she raged.

At this point, I don't care at all about his embarrassment of my natural expression. I'm happy to own this behavior, and I will always applaud a good moment of sport - and if he is embarrassed, we can choose to sits in different parts of the gym. He feels this is very disrespectful of his feelings.

Sounds like you have a good sense of self. I've read and am learning that's a valuable trait when with a pwBPD.

[jmbl]

This is a regular experience in my relationship. I try not to give into it or adjust my expressions of emotions, while trying to remain cognisant of his thought process.

For example, yesterday we walked up a creek where rainbow trout are spawning (my partner is an avid fisherman). I was SO excited to show him my discovery of their spawning environment, he said I was too loud and he didn't want anyone to hear us. We were 45 minutes away from town NEAR a popular spot (in loud shouting range of the parking lot).

My response was: "nobody is listening and I am really excited to show you these trout, but I understand that you strive in calm interactions so I will work to be aware of this. Please understand that I am excited, my voice may get a little louder from time to time." It seemed to work, and we continued our hike without disruption.

Nonetheless, it can be a strange boundary to keep in place. I do feel that maintaining this boundary is imperative though for our partners to see and accept us as we are - just like we do for them.

[Ventak]

My pwBPD has always expressed embarrassment whenever I "draw attention" to her in any way.  This can happen chatting with a store clerk, honking my horn when I'm cut off in traffic, or a million other ways.  She has always chalked it up to her social anxiety which makes sense, but I could also see it being BPD related.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I have family and friends who "cheer weirdly". Too loud, too much heckling, not following the game, cheering at the wrong times, etc.

But what you realize when you watch all the fans at a game is that everyone cheers differently. A normal reaction to a "weird cheering habit" would be to roll your eyes, laugh it off, maybe explain the rules to someone (if they are cheering for the wrong kind of play).

With BPD, these things often go way beyond cheering... "you're embarrassing because..." or "you're a terrible person because..." or "nobody likes you because..."

The important thing is to look around you for external cues and evidence, and never let pwBPD be the sole judge of your actions. Sometimes they actually have a point, so you can't always dismiss them. But I've found it's important to look for more input.

For example, if you're questioning yourself in this case, look around when you clap after an opposing 3-pointer. Is anyone else clapping? Probably a couple people. Is anyone else giving you dirty looks? Doubtful. Now you have your evidence and you can move on with life.

Recently I heard from uBPDgf "the only reason you have friends is because you spend money - people only like you for your money and it's so embarrassing that you don't realize it". A seemingly random insult, but I started to question myself.

I did a "scientific study" and wrote down 3 friends I have that have no knowledge of my financial situation and have never been associated with any monetary transactions. This disproves the statement. Maybe some of my friends are like that, but not all (and maybe zero, given the source of the original judgment). I'm now able to move on with life and dismiss the BPD assessment I've been given.

tldr - Keep cheering. You're fine.

[johnsang]

Dear jmbl

For example, yesterday we walked up a creek where rainbow trout are spawning (my partner is an avid fisherman). I was SO excited to show him my discovery of their spawning environment, he said I was too loud and he didn't want anyone to hear us. We were 45 minutes away from town NEAR a popular spot (in loud shouting range of the parking lot).

My response was: "nobody is listening and I am really excited to show you these trout, but I understand that you strive in calm interactions so I will work to be aware of this. Please understand that I am excited, my voice may get a little louder from time to time." It seemed to work, and we continued our hike without disruption.

this literally breaks my heart for you.  A natural expression of your delight being squelched.  I HATE that!  Good for you for being so sensitive to your partners disorder, but I just want to sit with you for a moment and say how hard that is for you.

you're amazing.

[johnsang]

Dear Thanks for Playing

I absolutely love your advise. 

The important thing is to look around you for external cues and evidence, and never let pwBPD be the sole judge of your actions. Sometimes they actually have a point, so you can't always dismiss them. But I've found it's important to look for more input.

This is sheer brilliance. There were other people clapping in my section for the excellent 3-pointer.

This advice is literally a nugget of gold.  Thank you.