Happy to know I am not crazy

[Toby2706]

I have been married for 31 years & dated my husband for 5 years before that.   We have 2 children.  A daughter & a son now grown & moved out.   The first anger outburst came when my daughter was a baby.  My husband would come home & berate me on what a mess the house was & how lazy I was.   These outbursts would occur occasionally.  I spend years trying figure out how I could become the better wife.  I had my son & then the outbursts became a daily occurrence.   My husband was a good provider & was always working.   I held down a job & had the primary role in raising our kids.  My children were affected by the rages.   Anytime I tried to talk to my husband about his rages, he would manipulate the conversation back to how it was my fault so I learned to survive my being silent.
We did try counseling but husband felt the therapist was not good as she didn’t take his side.  Around 2007, my husband was in a serious accident at work.   This changed his focus from work to his family.  His behaviour did improve but didn’t last.  Due to his injury, he had severe pain which required opioids.  He did start adding alcohol & this let to some scary rages.   Looking back, this was a really dark time in our relationship & family dynamic. 
My husband did realize the path he was on wasn’t good.  He stopped the alcohol & opioids & started exercising & doing meditation instead.  The only substance he takes for the pain is marijuana which helps calm his mind.  My husband also decided to work on his behaviour as he came to the realization he was awful to his family.   This doesn’t say the rages don’t happen but it is now around 6 weeks between events.
My husband wants us to move forward with our relationship but I have struggled to open up.  I am so use to suppressing my emotions, I am having a hard time to move forward.   I started to search for resources & found the “How to Stop Walking on Eggshells” & it has been amazing.   For years I have thought I was crazy as I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong in the relationship.  I realize I do have value & my husband has a personality disorder & he is not doing this on purpose.
I have shared the book & this website with my children as they need to share & heal.
Thank you for allowing me to share. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CookeiCrum]

I know what you mean. I had for the longest time constantly thought "what is wrong with me?". Also, the obvious contradictions to what they saying, the bending of facts, the gaslighting and the hope that maybe this time I can at least level the playing field and get her to see that actually I am not so useless etc. What has always blown my mind, is the utter loss of control of what they say and then 3 hours later everything is fine again. We've had periods where she has threatend to leave and take the kids 2/3 times, making all sorts of accusations that I would kill the kids if left alone with them (even though I am constantly alone with them as she is a bit of a work-a-holic). Then to turn around when things had quietend down and say something banans like "I think we managed to do all that well as a team". Though, through that I've learned to accept that what she is saying, isn't really the truth, or the actual truth is nowhere as extrem.

We have kids as well, though much younger at almost 2 and 6 and what constantly comes to my mind is how will all this affect them? Do you mind sharing a little as to what your kids think of your husband?