At the end of my rope

[Pandan]

Help! I have been dealing with my 24 year old daughter who has BPD for a long time. After a recent triggered episode where Child services got involved, my husband and I took custody of her 3 year old and her husband's family took the 1 and 1/2 year old. She went ballistic as I'm sure you can understand. Subsequently, she has decided to get a divorce and it is ALL MY FAULT (go figure). A lot has happened in the last month and I'm just so tired of it all. I've been reading "Stop walking on eggshells" and thought I'd try out this discussion board because I do feel like I'm at the end of my rope. Just when I think there is hope, everything comes crashing down. I'm so done but I can't be with the kids. Seriously, I need help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Pandan,
     This is such a painful place to be in. I am glad you have connected with this forum, as understanding hearts who feel the same pain go out to one another here. (Our "J" is almost 40.) Just knowing others who are going through this helps us to carry this load.
     You mentioned you have your 3 yr-old grandchild, however you said you can't be with them. I'm not sure what this means.
    Over the years, I've thought more about the importance of self-care and the acceptance that I can't cure or control our son's BPD. Are you able to be involved in some things that bring you relaxation and self-care?

[Pandan]

Hello Still Water,
What I meant was that I am so done with my daughter but I can't be done with her because I can't abandon her kids. If it were a matter of cutting her out of my life, it would be pretty easy to do with everything she has and continues to do that is too much to handle. But I have to try and keep in her good graces so I can have some kind of influence on my grandsons and give them some sense of stability. Unfortunately, since I am the devil right now, she won't let them see me at all. I am heart sick because last week when she took the three year old home with her he screamed for me and begged me to not make him go with her. I really don't know what to do. It is so painful to know he is in the middle of her drama without any stability. The one year old doesn't have the words to express his emotions but he will scream and bang his head on the floor. She thinks it is funny. I don't because she often makes me feel that way too.

Luckily, I take pretty good care of myself. I do yoga. I have friends who I go out with regularly. I'm part of a book club and a bunko group so I stay connected. In addition, I take long walks and read or listen to books (some self help) to reground myself. I just wish she could see what she is doing to her kids but as you say, I can't control her. It is just so frustrating to see them struggle with her.

[By Still Water]

Estrangement and harsh accusations are incredibly painful. The feeling we get that "nothing we do will matter or change anything" is so sad. To me, another difficulty is realizing that so many friends can't relate,  except those who have BPD relatives, so we tend to not share with others. I'm glad to hear you have self-care activities.